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Relationships

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Original poster

His daughter's plans overriden ours...

57 replies

theendishere · 26/08/2012 23:14

That's it really. I've been seeing someone for just over 2 months and had planned to spend a few days staying at his house. He's now said that one of the days he might not be able to do as his daugher (14) wants him to take her and a friend to a theme park (as they'd planned to go when they ere on hols but it got cancelled). I haven't made a fuss about it to him, but do feel a bit fed up about it. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 26/08/2012 23:54

Its the 14 yo he's taking out

OP posts:

Earlybird · 26/08/2012 23:55

BTW, I completely sympathise with the pit-of-the-stomach feeling that comes when your plans suddenly change. It can be tricky to tell the difference between a man who is a conscientious and committed father, and someone who is an inconsiderate boyfriend.

I'm sure you were looking forward to the time together, and now suddenly you have a gaping hole in your diary. Don't sulk or make a fuss. You don't want to pressure him or make him feel you want him to 'choose' between spending time with you or being with his dd. You won't 'win' that one.

squeakytoy · 26/08/2012 23:56

Well the 18 year old is not going to have any impact on your relationship I would hope, and the 14yo is going to be out with her mates and doing her own thing most of the time.

No reason really why it should stop you seeing him at weekends.

However, if he has gone through quite a few short term girlfriends, it could be that he uses his kids as an excuse to be a crappy boyfriend.

When I met my husband he was divorced with 3 teens, and it didnt cause any problems in our relationship. They were old enough to meet me almost straight away, and were included in our plans on days out etc too..

Original poster

theendishere · 27/08/2012 00:00

I haven't met either of the kids yet and don;t feel ready to atm.
Hs son (18) is apparently young for his age, even going to uni in his home town and staying at home! Thye're both with him most of the weekend or he's 'on call' if the 14 yo wants a lift somewhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

theendishere · 27/08/2012 00:02

yes, definately difficult to tell the difference between whether he's a conscientious dad or inconsiderate bf!
I can usually only go out a couple of eves a week so we choose nights when his kids aren;t around

OP posts:

Dryjuice25 · 27/08/2012 00:05

Yes yabvvvvvvvvvu. Sorry op

Original poster

theendishere · 27/08/2012 00:06

no apolgy needed! Just wanted honest opinions :)

OP posts:

Earlybird · 27/08/2012 00:09

Do you think he is serious about wanting a relationship with you (or anyone), or is he looking for something casual?

Sounds as if he, his dc and his ex are accustomed to him being completely available to the dc at all times. He is conditioned to it, and so are they.

If he wants a serious relationship (or at least wants to explore that possibility), it will require a shift of thinking. There is nothing wrong with him being unavailable to them once in a while (obviously not during an emergency), and they/he need to know that he can't/won't be at their beck and call for every little thing.

He is entitled to a life too - if he wants it. And that is the key: does he want that now, and does he want it with you?

LineRunner · 27/08/2012 00:10

Can I just say, what a very take-it-on-the-chin gracious OP. I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster

theendishere · 27/08/2012 00:14

Earlybird - I'm not sure at this stage what he wants.
You're right that they have all been used to him being availble for lifts, etc and he feels he must do it.
I don't know what he wants atm,

OP posts:

Earlybird · 27/08/2012 00:39

Sounds as if he is a loving/involved/completely available father, and you want to explore the possibility of something more serious. Clearly, it is easier for him if things are casual because no one is unhappy.

It may be that you can accept a casual relationship with him for now (while remaining open to the possibility of meeting someone else if this man ultimately cannot be more serious with you)?

Or perhaps it is simply the wrong time for him to have a relationship due to his family priorities and commitments.

I suspect he has such a strong commitment to his dc, and has submerged his own needs for so long that he can't/won't give himself 'permission' to have any sort of life of his own - especially as he is likely to get push-back.

I am going to go against the grain here, and say that if the two of you were/are serious, there would be nothing wrong with him saying to his dd something like 'I'd be happy to take you and your friends to the theme park but I can't do it this weekend as I have made plans. Let's choose another time that suits all of us.'

As I said before, this would only come with a more serious relationship and would be tricky at first because everyone is accustomed to him being completely available all the time. They'll be unhappy, and he is likely to feel conflicted/guilty. It would be easier for him to simply continue as they always have done.

Obviously it goes without saying, he'd be with his dc if they had plans, if there was an emergency, big school event, etc.

Does his ex have a new partner?

duchesse · 27/08/2012 00:54

Yes YABU. His child comes as a part of him. If you can't accept her and her 14 yo ways and his duties as a father, maybe it's time for a think...

OneMoreChap · 27/08/2012 01:17

Wow. If I said

"I've been seeing someone for just over 2 months and had planned to spend a few days staying at her house. She's now said that one of the days she might not be able to do as her son (14) wants her to take him and a friend to a theme park (as they'd planned to go when they ere on hols but it got cancelled). I haven't made a fuss about it to her, but do feel a bit fed up about it. AIBU?"

I'd have looked at it, and deleted it without sending it. I'm delighted to confirm you got exactly the reaction I would have got.

As an aside, that confirms completely that often men and women get the same response.

NellyJob · 27/08/2012 01:28

YABU, what kind of dad would he be if he cancelled time with his daughter, for the second time, so he could stay home shagging with a woman he has only known for two months?
also, I detect a sneery tone about his other child ....
even going to uni in his home town and staying at home
that's kind of normal these days what with the expense of studying.

Mayisout · 27/08/2012 07:00

I think that you have to go along with his routine in a cheery way if you hope relationship to go further. Once you are more of a fixture, and a pleasure to be with, he will be more inclined to arrange things to suit you. But this will take time. If he has guilt about the break up or about leaving his DCs you will have to accept that he puts them first though they will lose interest in him as they grow up imo.

sashh · 27/08/2012 07:35

I would not want to be with a man who, after two months, put me ahead of his daughter of 14 years.

Ormiriathomimus · 27/08/2012 07:54

I see you've had your answer

I suspect it comes with the territory when dating a parent. Give it a few years and she'll be independent for most things.

FellatioNelson · 27/08/2012 09:23

That's what happens when you are a fully involved parent - your life revolves around your children, not the other way around. I'm afraid you'll have to suck it up.

Original poster

theendishere · 27/08/2012 09:42

Thanks for all the replies :) It's just an unknown to me and i do nlove that he's such an invloved dad. It's just difficult sometimes, especailly as I'd like to see him a bit at the weekends. I think he has got so used to being around for his dc he feels must continue to be. His ex doesn't have a new partner and is often unreliable, and used to be an alcoholic which is why he left her (she recovered several years ago)

OP posts:

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 27/08/2012 09:49

I'm afraid I disagree with this. His kids have to take priority. Also if you think he's a keeper and things might get more serious, his kids will have to accept you, and that's much less likely if he's let them down to put your plans first.

He sounds like a good bloke, but it's too early to know if it will be a serious relationship. You need to go with the flow and get used to fitting in with his family.

pictish · 27/08/2012 09:50

I think he has got so used to being around for his dc he feels must continue to be.

Um yeah...that's known as 'being a parent'. It is not a failing on his behalf, it's a lack of comprehension on yours.

bumhead · 27/08/2012 10:16

I hope it works out the way you want it to Op.
You sound lovely and reasonable. It is a different ball game dating someone with kids, can be complicated at times, but you sound very well balanced.
Of course it's natural to feel disappointed because your plans have been cancelled but this will happen now and then. His priority is his daughter but if you mean a lot to him you will also become a priority eventually. If it starts happening too often then you might need to have a talk about where it's heading.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/08/2012 10:35

Well of course he must continue to be around for his DC

His daughter is 14. For the next 4 years she will come way ahead of you in the pecking order, which is exactly as it should be.
You must be prepared to have weekends away cancelled, interrupted, and plans altered at the last moment - because that is what happens when you have children.

I don't think you have kids OP, because you are coming at this all wrong.

If I was dating a bloke with kids (hypothetically - DH and I v.happy), then I would be looking to see that he put his kids first, or I would walk away if I couldn't cope with that.
Certainly when I was younger I had a rule that I wouldn't date someone with kids because I didn't want this kind of conflict, and didn't want there to be an ex of any kind involved forever in my life.
You to need to decide whether you can do this, or not, and if not then you need to be honest and end this relationship before you get in too deep.

Earlybird · 27/08/2012 16:06

Well of course his dc come first! That is not in question.

But what is wrong with him having a bit of time to himself - especially as his dc are 14 and 18? If he is constantly at their beck & call for the slightest whim, his children learn not to be considerate, not to respect his time/schedule, and expect immediate gratification for whatever they desire. They are old enough to grasp those concepts.

Children need to know they are the most important thing in a parent's life, but also can learn that parents need a bit of time to themselves too.

This man made a plan to spend time with his new girlfriend during a time when he was not supposed to be with his daughter. Given that the activity that 'requires' his presence (trip to a theme park) is not urgent, can happen any time, and is not tied to a specific one-off event - is it really unacceptable for him to tell his dd that they'll need to agree another time?

Earlybird · 27/08/2012 16:22

An example from my own life: my dd badly wanted me to take her to the cinema this weekend, but I didn't because I had made another plan for myself that I did not cancel.

My dd is the center of my world and is unquestionably my top priority - and she knows it because I show her with actions and tell her with words. She has everything she needs and many (most) things she wants - but SHOCK/HORROR -she was asked to wait until next weekend for the cinema trip when I will gladly take her to see the film.

Does that make me a bad Mum? Or is my daughter (age 11.5) learning that she needs to think about someone other than herself? She is learning that sometimes she has to compromise. She is learning that other people's needs and desires are important too, and she needs to consider them.

These are valuable life lessons. IMO.

That is why I have been so adamant that - based on what the OP has told us - it is not unreasonable for this man to tell his daughter he'll take her to the theme park another time. And then he should set the date and stick to it. Everyone (op, her boyfriend, the dd, etc) knows where they stand, and everyone has been treated with respect and consideration.

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