Need advice

[springsquill]

To cut a long story short I don't know where to go from here. Years of emotional, mental and physical abuse, I've tried to ignore it all for the sake my my elderly father, but I can't take it anymore, as much as I love my father I just can't deal with her, so it looks like I will just have to cut him out as well. I'm a placid person like my dad, but after she yelled at me on Monday and I had chest pain, I can't do it anymore :(

Hi, didn't want to let your post go unanswered... why do you have to pass on your elderly dad?

"She" is step mum? mum? someone else?

have a hand to hold and come back with a little more of your story if you need to.

Sometimes the only way we can take care of those we love is to take care of ourselves first.

Is "she" abusive to your DF? if so you could consider whether social services need to be involved to protect him

she is my mother, the person who gave birth to me and that is it. I can't go to SS, my dad is still driving and at the moment able to see me. Thank you foolonthehill for the hand to hold. I just can't fathom why she hates me so much, my sister cut contact with her last year and has never been happier. I just can't understand how a mother can be so nasty to her own children, in saying that she hasn't had a lot of contact with my son as we lived abroad, but when he was 3 she held a knife up to him and since then he's been afraid of knives, thank God I never had to rely on her to look after him. She looked after my niece and it's all coming out now, the hitting and slapping etc. She's only 16 and dealing with a lot, I just don't know what to do from here, confront or let it lie and let her get on with it.

perhaps talk about it to start with. Either here or in proper counselling. Once you start to see what she does through other people's eyes you may find ways to deal with it, or may need to find extra help as i am sure if her DGCs have been affected, so will you have been. Cutting her out at least at present looks like simple self preservation and is a good place to start especially as your DF can come to see you independently. There again you may see that although he is "lovely" he is also an enabler of her bad behaviour and may give you pause for thought in how you deal with him.

Being kind to yourself does not mean that you will be/are being unkind to others, it is just a way to see the wood for the trees, it does not sound like you need to decide what to do straight away (confront/let it lie) take your time and I am sure you will find the best solution for you and your family.

I can tell you now springsquill that cutting loose is bliss sometimes.

You dont have to tell them why, or anything at all that you dont want to do.

Your Mum sounds dangerous, in fact the sooner you cut contact, even if for a while, the better x

Wise words there.

What a painful situation.

I dont have any advice really, just wanted to offer some 'hand holding'....

I tend to feel for your DF but think that the point made by foolonthehill is very pertinent!

For what it is worth, I would definitely cut contact, and go see your GP.... I suffered chest pain through stress and am now on betablockers :( take care of yourself ((hugs))

Another hand hold here.

It is a very hard thing you are doing. You have done the hardest thing in realising that your mother is not a good mother and that you don't need to have contact with her.

You have to be strong to stop yourself being drawn back in.

I agree with foolon your dad has been with her all this time, what has he done to stop her? Sitting back being placid and letting her be abusive is also unacceptable. He is an adult if he decides to live with this woman that is his choice.