Totally left out and not sure why

[BadEducation]

I am feeling very fed up and feeling on the outskirts of a friendship group. This is all going to sound incredibly childish but it still upsets me.

I am a member of an online forum. We all joined the group when we were pregnant, as we were all due at the same time. Our babies are now 3 and a half and we are still on the group.

My problem is that, although I am very active on the group, I can't help feeling that people don't warm to me as much as they warm to the other members. There are around 25 of us.

The main way is that they all constantly comment on each others' FB statuses and photos yet mine always get ignored apart from maybe one or two other members that generally always comment on everyone's stuff. Everyone seems to comment on everyone else's stuff but mine gets left out. I posted, for example, a status about my youngest becoming potty trained, and got no replies from the group at all, whilst everyone else gets replies from loads of other members. Everyone else's photos of their little ones gets loads of likes, whilst mine are ignored. Someone regularly posts on her status about her fitness routine and everyone replies to her. What I'm saying is, my statuses and photos are no different to everyone else's but mine are ignored.

We are all still on our main forum chat board and I am very active on there; I also always comment on everyone's FB photos and statuses as I know everyone is proud of their little ones and it seems to be what everyone else does. Only everyone else gets it reciprocated apart from me. I am also on Twitter and they all chat away on that too, and if I reply to any of them they ignore my tweets rather than coming back with a reply. The rest all seem to be having constant conversations. Even those that don't post very often on the group or FB get treated like royalty when they do make a FB post.

I don't know what to do. I keep thinking of leaving the group, but in a way I don't want to. I know it's only the internet and I should just leave the group but I just want to know why they ignore me.

Sorry if this all seems rather pathetic

Maybe its time you left the group. I found that fb really affected my self esteem as i would be upset if someone hadn't commented on my wall or liked a status. It is not worth the stress, and by the sounds of it they are not great friends anyway.

I don't think you're pathetic. It's clearly very hurtful to you. Do the others have more in common? For example are they SAHMs or do they live closer to each other?

You are not pathetic.. I can only relate it to my family, how other people get invited to things and included in events where as me and my children seem to be forgotten and not included.
I try and tell myself its because the others a SAHM where as I work but if they really wanted to include me they would.
Sucks really and it does hurt me.

Does your fb account show your info to everyone or a limited number of people? I'm not really sure how it works. Can you make your info accessible to all or just a select few? Perhaps they can't all see your updates?

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Puds11 I think you are probably right, I need to leave the group. It would be a shame but it's not doing much good for my self esteem.

Lucid, we're all from different areas and some work, some SAHM etc. I wonder if perhaps as I've always been active on the group and FB they've always all just assumed I'll be there so don't make any effort for me.

Chocolatespiders, sorry to hear you've been left out too, it's so hurtful isn't it? People need to think more about how they behave and about how it will affect others.

Ilovemydog, you can make your info accessible to just a select view but mine is visible to all my friends. I double checked the other day as wasn't sure if it was restricted at all

If you don't meet up with these people in rl delete the group and don't fret about it - doesn't suing like you'd miss much

Do you comment on all their FB statuses/photos too? Do you post 'proud Mummy' posts that may make their children appear less clever/co-ordinated etc? I know that tends to annoy some folk, although it wouldn't be your fault!

It's a shame. I met some lovely ladies on an Internet forum. They probably stalk me on here too
It's crap being left out.

crackcrack, I know that logically I should leave, it seems a shame to though as we shared our pregnancies etc.

Beckamaw, yes I comment on loads of things of everyone else's. I know everyone is proud of their children and likes a comment or a like from others. No, I don't tend to do proud mummy posts, well certainly no more proud or more frequently than any of the others do. Even if I've posted about DS being ill I've had no replies from any of the board members.

How about not posting for a while, then reappearing, see if that makes any difference?

Or create a fake profile and have it respond enthusiastically to your posts to start a conversation ;)

Is there someone in the group you know better that you could mention it to?

It does sound very odd, and very hurtful. But I'd give it another shot before leaving.

Yes I think laying low is a good idea Yika.

I have got one group member I could talk to about it, might mention it to her

Good idea. Perhaps she may have some insight.
The reason that I mentioned the 'proud Mummy' thing is that I had a similar experience with DD1s postnatal group. DD was a very early talker. At another child's first birthday party, she was chattering away. Most of the others were walking but not talking. DD was the opposite.
After the party only 2 other Mums stayed in contact. One said that the others were hacked off about DDs talking. Like I did it to spite them!?!?

unfortunately none of them knew that DD was being forcefed language by MIL who was a headmistress. Flashcards at 6 mths FFS

Sorry you are going through this.

Beckamaw, that's awful, and really unfair of them. Totally jealous behaviour.

These people are not your friends! Try to find a few really nice people who actually care about your life and if your little one is potty-training, or whether you should buy this or that and so on. My best friend and I always relay the little details of the week to each other (I also bore my mum) but in truth, no one else cares whatsoever, and although they may be wrapped up in a social game of 'liking' each other, I very much doubt they actually like each other enough to stay friends for 20 years/help out if one of them got sick/care in a deeper sense than commenting trivial crap on some Twitter feed.

For whatever reason, they bond well in this world, but this does not mean you should try to be more like them. I wouldn't bother investing anymore of your time and energy in this group, keep in touch with the few people you really like and get out there and do something more interesting than monitoring everyone's internet interactions, it will only upset you, and for what purpose?

Haha this sounds like behavior from a group with a group that I belong to.... If I tell you it starts with Baby and then the last bit is the 'middle'....you might know it.

Essentially there was a group of yoghurt swilling yoga mums who named themselves hippies, cos they wore slings. FFS.

They ignored or over commented, depending on who it was, posting. Twas truly shit, and finally kicked off big stylee... And NOTHING that the out group did, would have gained them admittance. If you weren't part of the clique, you weren't getting kn.

So. Forget about it. You only have a birth month in common. Why assume you like them anyway? Once you dig below the surfaCE on FB, people soon appear hideous.

Some even vote Tory, FGS!

Please try to forget it. Engage with parents in your local area and see where that leads you.

Good luck

i know what you mean BadEd i've been in similar situations myself - i'm a naturally shy person so don't always get "in" on things - preferring to stand on the outside looking in. I had this in a forum i was in - cancelling me out etc, and in one of my jobs where i felt excluded for no reason that i knew of - i just didn't fit - it really knocked my self esteem. People do it for any number of reasons: because they feel threatened by you, because they can sense your lack of self esteem and want to exploit it, or because you just don't fit. Now i'm in with a group of people who are more like minded and i feel accepted and liked - its made me realise its wasn't me.

As my name says, life is too short to waste time on people who dont value you and make you feel good about yourself :)

You aren't being pathetic, but please leave this group. I had a similar thing in a book group. I felt I was back in the school playground, with people ignoring me, their cliquey behaviour, bitchiness, weird comments. I was very naive and it took me a long time to acknowledge that they were just not very nice people. I have no idea why 'mature' women might do this - especially face to face. It still perplexes me. But it's probably something to do with 'pack' behaviour. Dunno. I even stuck it out for a few years because I wanted 'to be in a book group'. After a long time worrying I realised I didn't need them in my life. It took me ages because I tend to commit to things and then persevere long after they're dead and buried - beating myself up all the way. One day I just stopped going. Best decision ever. I would seriously recommend branching out into new territory where people really do like you, want you and appreciate you.

Thanks everyone for your replies

I've decided to stay away from the group for now, and avoid FB too, certainly avoiding the profiles of those from the group.

Once I've had some time away from it I'll then hopefully be clearer as to whether I should stay there or not