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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

did I make a huge mistake in leaving my husband?

77 replies

soontobedivorced · 26/08/2012 18:48

I keep thinking did I make a huge mistake in leaving my (almost) ex. We have been separated 2 years now, at my initiation, and are partway through our divorce. There was no-one else involved and it took me a long time to come to that decision. He is a good man and would never have been unfaithful, always provided for me and even though he wasn't tactile he did little things that showed me he cared.

But then I felt so trapped in the relationship, we were very dependent on each other, he tended to be moody, withdrawn and critical, didn't want to spend any time with me, and we didn't do each other a lot of good. I wilted with him and lost myself, although did lose a baby and have other babies so this was more to do with this than with him. And since leaving him I have become stronger and more empowered, lost weight, bought myself make-up and new clothes (always had to argue my case for new clothes as he was the breadwinner, I was SAHM, it was always "his" money). I did not fancy him in the least, perhaps because I was so angry at how he was treating me, even now I have no physical desire for him.

But I miss the friendship and the companionship. Being on my own is lonely and I miss him, and all the things he used to do, like bringing me a cup of tea in the morning, or listening to me and helping me see sense and not doing anything stupid socially (I'm emotional and impulsive and he moderated me). But I felt the negatives could never be fixed, and could not imagine going without intimacy with him (emotional and physical) the rest of my life. But I've thrown away my best friend and my security so I'm not sure it was a good trade-off. I doubt he would take me back now even if I wanted as he feels so hurt that I had other relationships since we separated and I can't ever change that. Just think what if I never have such a loving relationship again and maybe I should have done what many women do and just lived without the sex and put up with his crap for the sake of having a faithful companion and security and respectability (I tried to get him to do counselling but he wasn't interested, he hates counselling). I knew it was a big risk when I left him that I would never find that again but having tried to date for the past two years I didn't realise the odds were stacked that much against me and finding another man I'd be happy with seems an impossible task right now. I guess I need to just focus on things that make me happy like getting my career going and doing things I enjoy but I can't get my need for love and intimacy out of my head, even when I'm asleep I dream about being with someone. I worry that maybe I should have settled with what I had...

OP posts:
MissBoPeep · 29/08/2012 20:00

OP did you marry very young or go from living with parents to being married?

I married at 30 and know that if I was ever on my own, I'd cope as I did before.

I know you are having counselling which is good, but in time you might find that a life coach would help raise your self-worth, and help you move forward in a very practical way that counselling/psychotherapy rarely does.

You might like to read some books on being more positive/confident by Vera Pfeiffer- see Amazon.

DoingItForMyself · 29/08/2012 20:03

mellower "many of us (like me) were basically a single parent pre seperation, I just had a man come home at night and leave in the morning, and burn sheets and shout and shit!"

Grin
Mellower · 29/08/2012 20:26

I know I sound so flippant about it all now Blush

Too true though Grin Okay I guess he may have helped financially when he worked rather than his £12 per fortnight for the boys just now but nah no big loss tbh.

I just love the Freedom.

DoingItForMyself · 29/08/2012 22:32

Just made me laugh as it was so familiar. I've been a single parent for years, I just have one less child to look after now!

soontobedivorced · 30/08/2012 01:03

MissBoPeep yes we got together at 18 in my first week at uni, had just left home (sheltered upbringing) been together ever since, never lived on my own! Thanks for the life coach tip, I'll think about that. I'm not sure if I could afford it though. Ironically, when I most need it. I got my psychotherapist to give me a discount as I am on benefits but not sure a life coach would. I'll look into it. I'll check out that author as well, thank you. Never got my career going (gave it all up for ex-dh) and having awful trouble finding a job now even though I went back to uni to do a masters to put me at better advantage :(

OP posts:
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 31/08/2012 01:33

They bring you down these people, living in the shadow of someone joyless sucks the joy out of you too.

This is soooo true. I was a cheery Pollyanna years ago, and I've become bitter and cynical. I want to find myself and my sense of optimism again.

soontobedivorced my mum is a narcissist as well. I have never felt unconditionally loved by her, and don't now. I wonder if I chose dh because I felt comfortable with someone who thought nothing I did was good enough. I think having a crap mum makes it harder to go it alone however. I really do feel very out on a limb without dh. I haven't found people less friendly though. I'm a friendly person who can talk to anyone but that side of me has been squished for quite a long time and seems to be re-emerging now. And I have hardly had a drink in six weeks and my drinking habits have been pretty scary in the last few years.

I'm not missing it at all. I'm putting lots of energy into sorting out my new house, which is big, old and empty (and was very very dusty). I haven't moved in yet. I'm trying to furnish it (and the sellers took EVERYTHING) with a very limited budget. I've been going there alone and cleaning until late at night (knackering!) and it's weird being in an empty house I know is mine but that doesn't feel like home yet and is all empty and echo-ey. It's a relief to get back to my old home which is warm, familiar and beautiful. I feel so much sadness at home though, from dh and my kids too :( I sit in one room, watching telly with them or on my computer, and he sits in his study, working on the computer or listening to his music. It feels very sad and I can't believe the end is so near.

DoingItForMyself · 31/08/2012 11:10

Once your new place has your things in it you will start to feel more at home there too tired. Its the little things, like having your pictures on the wall and your own plates or cushions that will make it homely.

Living in separate rooms is very familiar. stbxh would hole himself up in the study on his computer when he got home and emerge for dinner (not to help you understand, just to eat it!) then disappear again behind his laptop for the evening.

It is sad that this is the end of one part of your life, but its also a new beginning, one where you are in control of what happens and you make your own decisions, which is both scary and liberating.

Even without support from your mum, your friendly nature will ensure you're never alone (unless you choose to be). My parents both died a few years ago and it would be lovely to have them around for support, but I am thankful in a way that I have had to do this alone, as it would have been too easy to revert to a child-like dependence on them, whereas without them I have had to grow up and take responsibility for myself.

JessicaLuis232 · 03/09/2016 07:36

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Tony51 · 23/10/2020 11:38

From my perspective .... Anyone that settles down and has children with someone, there has to have been an initial attraction both physically and emotionally, unless you met at a blind school and suddenly you gained vision later in life.

So saying you are not attracted to your once desired partner in anyway shape or form to me, seems just crule ! So much of what we think and feel everyday starts with how we think and ultimately thoughts build over time in both good and bad directions. So if you start down a route of blaming someone for all the issues, then sure enough you will end up hating, resenting and being unloving with that person! its almost a dead cert!

Lets be clear here though... Any person male or female suffering because of another person. should consider or just leave such a relationship. Abuse both mentally or physically is just wrong on every level and not acceptable.

I am talking about the huge number of people and children I know of and have heard of, that suffer huge mental anguish because one person is such a negative thinking person. If you are in relationship that is stable on every level but aren't quite feeling the love anymore, then before you rip your whole family apart at least try to fix what is wrong in your head ! If this is you and you are the sudden unhappy one, but for no real reason, other than saying ....

"Oh Im not feeling it any more, but we do have kids, a home and whole extended family but !"

Then I suggest at the very least put your kids and life you have built together "First" and at the very least try to work things out in your own head ! go for your own therapy ! forget counselling together ! stop looking for beauty and the beast type love ! and sort your own head out. You wont find happiness in another arms ! its in your head start there and see where you get too ! After working your own mind out then maybe go for counselling as a couple. If your partner does not want to (more fool them) then at the very least you have tried as far as you can to work through the issues from every angle and can be at peace if you decide to leave !

As you might tell this happened to me ! my wife of 23 years just up and left for no reason. Ran out in 2 weeks, following god knows how long of negative thinking without saying a word. Left her daughter, her son and grown up son shattered ! And to this day none of us really know what happened ! I hear bits from family that she was sad and unhappy ! we'll maybe we should have discussed the issues so we had a chance to work through them !

Im a year down the line now and still don't really understand what happened. I work hard, are financially sound, we own a family home, I don't cheat, never raised a hand and we rarely argued ! The last 8 months however something changed and I can only conclude from bits of information that she got caught up in a romantic visualisation of a man she was missing and this snowballed that into 8 months of thinking she was missing out. Bizarre considering she is so unromantic, cold and unloving for most of our relationship.

My reason for contributing was to maybe help one person and maybe family. If you are romanticising how your life could be somewhere else, but already have a stable caring family home then maybe take those same thoughts and apply them to where they are now. We can all get caught up in thinking we deserve something better but if you truly do love someone and they (man or woman) are a good kind loving person, just maybe its you that needs to change how you are thinking. Maybe practice gratitude for what you do have, not what you don't have. Life is rarely a fairy tale romance and the truth of it is, if someone has your back and they are a decent human ! maybe you already have all you need for a truly great life x

billyt · 23/10/2020 13:34

Zombie thread alert!!!!!!

BeeDavis · 23/10/2020 14:00

Rock up to his home wearing a sexy number and if he turns you down you know what to do Grin

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha · 23/10/2020 14:15

You’re grieving for the relationship, it sounds like, which is completely natural and might not happen straight away. Or perhaps for what could have been the relationship if xyz has been changed.

I felt like that even after leaving a horrible relationship.

You also need to stop thinking you need another man to be happy. The dating world is absolutely stacked against women, especially women who are a bit older than 21 iyswim, have got kids or have been married. But that’s ok. You don’t need to be in another relationship to be happy. Nothing to say you won’t meet someone else but don’t make this your goal. Concentrate on being happy yourself and see how far you’ve come!

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha · 23/10/2020 14:16

Shit! zombie!

Cheeseandwin5 · 23/10/2020 15:02

Sorry, you are just using him as you havent found anything better and will jus use him till you do and this whole fallout will happen again (only worse).
Assuming he did want to get back together with you and I think that's a big IF, you would probably end up destroying him when you left again and for sure you would.
You don't love him, in fact I would say you don't really care about him, its just about fulfilling your current needs.
Let him find someone who loves him and wants to be with him.
this will give you more time to do the same and if you don't , then you don't, but hopefully you will realise along the way you dont need to settle or need anyone else to make you happy.

Cheeseandwin5 · 23/10/2020 15:03

oh bugger - zombie thread what a waste

PicsInRed · 23/10/2020 15:58

He financially abused you. What friendship?

You had no sex and had to put up with "all his crap plenty unsaid there. What faithful companion?

Is he on a lovebombing campaign at you, or something? Pointedly behaving himself so you wonder "was that all in my head"? What on earth would posses you to take all the good and and all the happiness you've made for yourself and flush it right back down the toilet?

PicsInRed · 23/10/2020 15:59

I do hope she didn't take him back. 🤔

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/10/2020 20:14

You are doing the rose tinted glasses thing. My friend did exactly the same thing - she had left an awfully abusive relationship after several times of trying and after a year she was asking us to tell her all the bad things he'd done to her, because she was in danger of rewriting the relationship in her head and going back to him.

I think it's natural to hanker after the familiar and known. But it doesn't sound as though the familiar was doing you any good. He took you completely for granted. He wasn't good for you. One day you will meet someone who IS right for you and then you will realise how bad it was before.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/10/2020 20:15

Oh shit, where's the zombie thread warning?

Addicted2LoveIsland · 23/10/2020 22:05

You're only second guessing because you haven't met anyone else. Let's face it, if you met someone quite interesting that you had a spark with you wouldn't even be thinking about him. As a PP said - give it two weeks you will hate him again.

YourHappinessComesFirst4 · 29/06/2021 10:15

How are you now @soontobedivorced? I'm in the same boat except I haven't split up yet.... I want to, he's done nothing wrong, I'm just not in love, he doesn't make me happy, we've been together since 16,im 35 now, I feel like i need to move on, I don't know how. Or where to start, it's scary 😢

EarthSight · 29/06/2021 10:29

I think you need to read your post and see the contradictions in it, which is probably due to how confused you feel about the whole situation. These were written by you. I've just put them side-by side -

He is a good man > he tended to be moody, withdrawn and critical

I miss the friendship and the companionship > didn't want to spend any time with me

So, the 'best friend' you have thrown away was moody, withdrawn, critical and didn't want to spend any time with you??

Maybe what you're craving is the stability you had. Despite you calling him your best friend, there doesn't seem to have been emotional intimacy.

EarthSight · 29/06/2021 10:30

Oh bloodyhell. This is the second time this thread has resurfaced.

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!!

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!!

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!!

DismantledKing · 29/06/2021 10:31

This thread is nearly 10 years old; I would think that she’s long gone

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