did I make a huge mistake in leaving my husband?

[soontobedivorced]

I keep thinking did I make a huge mistake in leaving my (almost) ex. We have been separated 2 years now, at my initiation, and are partway through our divorce. There was no-one else involved and it took me a long time to come to that decision. He is a good man and would never have been unfaithful, always provided for me and even though he wasn't tactile he did little things that showed me he cared.

But then I felt so trapped in the relationship, we were very dependent on each other, he tended to be moody, withdrawn and critical, didn't want to spend any time with me, and we didn't do each other a lot of good. I wilted with him and lost myself, although did lose a baby and have other babies so this was more to do with this than with him. And since leaving him I have become stronger and more empowered, lost weight, bought myself make-up and new clothes (always had to argue my case for new clothes as he was the breadwinner, I was SAHM, it was always "his" money). I did not fancy him in the least, perhaps because I was so angry at how he was treating me, even now I have no physical desire for him.

But I miss the friendship and the companionship. Being on my own is lonely and I miss him, and all the things he used to do, like bringing me a cup of tea in the morning, or listening to me and helping me see sense and not doing anything stupid socially (I'm emotional and impulsive and he moderated me). But I felt the negatives could never be fixed, and could not imagine going without intimacy with him (emotional and physical) the rest of my life. But I've thrown away my best friend and my security so I'm not sure it was a good trade-off. I doubt he would take me back now even if I wanted as he feels so hurt that I had other relationships since we separated and I can't ever change that. Just think what if I never have such a loving relationship again and maybe I should have done what many women do and just lived without the sex and put up with his crap for the sake of having a faithful companion and security and respectability (I tried to get him to do counselling but he wasn't interested, he hates counselling). I knew it was a big risk when I left him that I would never find that again but having tried to date for the past two years I didn't realise the odds were stacked that much against me and finding another man I'd be happy with seems an impossible task right now. I guess I need to just focus on things that make me happy like getting my career going and doing things I enjoy but I can't get my need for love and intimacy out of my head, even when I'm asleep I dream about being with someone. I worry that maybe I should have settled with what I had...

solidgoldbrass I love your posts :)

After we split up he said to me he didn't think I'd find anyone better out there. And having sampled the joys of internet dating I'm worried he may be right and I should have settled for what I had. But if you never try you never know, and I know I'm happier/stronger now.

But lonely and worried about a future on my own. My mum and grandma never had another man (mum was divorced, grandma was widowed) so I guess I don't have good role models...because they never found love again, I'm worried that I won't, and should have put up with what I had.

On the contrary, I think you did have good role models. Your mum and grandma demonstrate that a woman does not need a man to be happy. Remarrying shouldn't have been the goal of their lives and it shouldn't be yours, either.

If you genuinely think you deserve nothing better than having to beg for money to buy new clothes because he worked and you were a SAHM then you need to be working on your self-esteem, not thinking about begging this tosser to come back to you.

tribpot good point

Very good point indeed Tribpot!

The fact that he said you'd never find anyone better than him says more about him than it does about you. Of course anyone our sort of age will have a bit of baggage, as we do, but there's no reason why you can't find a man who is willing to treat you with the kindness and consideration you deserve. At the moment, you are still wondering if your X is actually what you deserve, so you don't realise your own worth.

It is hard to build up your self-esteem when it's been knocked for such a long time, so work on that for now, then job, hobbies, friends and love can all fall into place at their own pace.

Horridly enough mine also used to say "I would never get better" or "another like him" (wouldn't want one tbh) so I did the internet dating to prove I could now 2 years on and i'm fine working on my career, family, friends, confidence, not in that order... then we will see, I cannot gaurantee a small date in between this but I'm not looking at all my ex wanted us to "work things out" all last year it was draining and a waste of a year tbh!

Oh yeah and I would "end up like my Nan"..... never married again!

Bothered?

I've never been married but I cam out of a ten year relationship a couple of months ago. Everyone on here was amazing and I had an intense period of pain, nausea and fear. But it was the right thing and I am starting to breathe again. You will be happy. Much happier than you have been. It's hard to believe but it's true.

you are a bit lonely and missing the companionship (of this tosser) ?

buy a dog

a cocker spaniel or a labrador retriever will sort that out

"you'll never find better"

that rings a bell

a massive, chiming, clanging bell

was I on your original thread ?

whatever

get the dog, ditch the inadequate loser for good

you didn't undertake this lightly (f you are who I think you are, or someone like that)...that spaniel will love you unconditionally

Yep a teasmade & a lab will tick all the boxes & not answer back

Probably, anyfucker, I have posted before as I have been working through all these feelings. Thanks for your messages :-)

"I miss being able to share stuff at the end of the day "

That just means you haven't found someone new to do these things with. It's not all that surprising. If you're looking back all the time, thinking too much about an ex and indulging too much in 'what ifs', you can't plan properly for the future and you won't put much effort into looking. My feeling is that, once your divorce is finalised, you'll find it easier to do that. It's rarely better to settle for the devil you know just because something else hasn't replaced them yet.

Doingitformyself and soontobedivorced, thanks for what you said. We are still under the same roof and have been for nearly 7 months. It's been really hard, but I am still dreading actually moving out.

I've just written to MIL. I love her, she's wonderful. She's also old, and she lost her sister and brother in the last couple of years. It's hard to know what to say, but I've had no contact with her or dh's family for 7 months (I didn't speak to her or see her regularly anyway, but we were always pleased to see each other) and I don't want her to think I just don't give a shit and am discarding her son and her without a backwards glance. It's taken ages to write a letter and I've just sat here with tears running down my cheeks half the time.

I guess it's normal to feel this awful mix of emotions - oscillating between feeling liberated and insecure and regretful. I keep wondering how it came to this, if there is anything that can be done to change it.

Maybe it will all make sense when we are no longer living together. I guess I will have to see. It's hugely helpful to go on here and realise it's all fairly normal and other people feel this way too. I've only got two friends who have got divorced and one was married to a wife-beater and the other to a cheat. Neither of those things is easy but at least it's a no-brainer to get out under those circumstances. When it's not that clear-cut, it's hard to feel a sense of conviction and so easy to give in to the massive doubts.

tired you can still remain on good terms with his family, his DM has been part of your life for the last few years and there's no reason why you can't still phone her or pop in for a cuppa if you want to stay in touch.

I didn't have a big lightbulb moment to leave either, and I think in some ways that is harder - if H had cheated (or I had!) there would be a clear cut reason to leave, had he been physically abusive (instead of emotionally, which is harder to pinpoint) I would have left immediately. However, just realising one day that he didn't make me happy and had no intention of trying was enough for me to say "I deserve more".

I used to miss the cup of tea in the morning until I remembered that he would use it every time I complained about having too much to do round the house, suggesting that maybe just once he could offer to make dinner, he would say "I make you a cup of tea every morning while you lay in bed".

If he offered to walk the DCs to school on his day off, he would use that to complain that his days off were interrupted by having to help me out with my jobs.

The little things he did came at a cost and I'm sure your situation is probably very similar by the sound of things.

If you miss being able to share stuff, come on here or get onto Facebook - I always hated the idea of sharing random stuff on FB, but actually now I realise that it is a lovely way to catch up with people regularly, to get a little pat on the back from your friends when you (or the DCs) do something good and to get a bit of sympathy when you're having a bad day.

Things will be different once you're not under the same roof, you can start to build up your own life free of him and see what you've been missing, not what you've lost. x

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange that is why I have thrashed out my feelings on here a little - my dh never hurt me physically, was never unfaithful so far as I know, he just wasn't the type to cheat, which makes the decision so much more questionable. But there was emotional abuse on his side which is so much more insidious, especially as he would play mind games and claim he never said things that I knew he did etc etc. That kind of thing because it is all in my head makes me question, was it me. My family never liked him tho and thought him to be quite controlling so that is helpful. And so many people have seen the difference in me - for the better - since he left. Once you actually split it will be scary and you will question but my advice would be to give it some time, don't chase after him, process the emotions, cry it out, and in a couple of months you will be able to see things more clearly. Hugs to you xx

Same here soon so many people say they have seen the change in me over the past few months, more confident, happier and more positive about life.

They bring you down these people, living in the shadow of someone joyless sucks the joy out of you too.

You will blossom tired, I promise you. It won't be simple or easy, but it will be so much better than living half a life, a compromise all the time.

I have just realised that I needed this tbread and it has changed my attitude. I have been giving one noght every other week off from my caring role but after 13 years of never being free after 4pm and believing this service will close I cannot get used to it.

I still sit in tbe house on a fri or sat night not daring to venture out because I have firgotten my ds us not in bed he is eksewhere safe and happy.

I guess I will have a small pro list of my own soon.

Wrong tbread sorry lol

You might miss him- but you'd also miss a migraine once it had stopped.

What you are missing is the habit and routine of married life.

You are not missing his moods, meaness, and critical behaviour- are you?

Do you have an girl friends? Sharing the day and your thoughts with good friends will be better for you than being with a man who you didn't facny one jot- and who didn't seem to care much about you in many ways.

You also need to question why you are searching for love again so soon. And why you see your mum and gran as "losers" because they didn't marry etc again.

My gran was widowed at 47. She never had another man in her life until she died at 81. But she had friends and family, and a full life. I don't think she even thought about looking for another man- to her, her husband was irreplaceable.

A life on your own doesn't have to be 2nd best you know.

It's not only that, its also that I have noticed a difference in the way people treat me. I have been taking my kids out a lot over the summer holidays and tend to be quite chatty with people around me but have noticed people not so friendly now I am on my own. I realised this when we went out with my brother and immediately all these couples were friendly again, assuming he was my partner. Sad but true.

But have been invested a lot more in my female friendships of late and this has been wonderful. I've had two breaks which I shared with a friend and her kids and they were brilliant. So its been really good for my friendships - ex-dh just wanted to sit at home all the while and wasn't very sociable. So yes I am working on strengthening those relationships. Also have made new female friends since the split so those are good too :) Girl power!

I have realised I have been searching for love because I have unmet childhood needs and I am looking to find these in a new partner. I am having psychotherapy for this. Its only been in the last few months that I realised this (I had a narcissistic mother and absent father). I think this also had a big effect on my marriage, he found me too needy. So am taking a break from dating while I sort this out and figure out ways to get those needs met by myself. Haven't figured this bit out yet :) I find myself thinking about being loved and held probably 90% of the time, I even dream about it :(

You know who should love you? You.

It's lovely to be loved for by another person. But you should not need or rely on this to be " complete".

If that person leaves- through choice or death- what then? Seek a replacement to fill the gap?

I think you just have to toughen up to other people's behaviour now you are single- you may be imagining it due to your own insecurity- and if not, well it's their problem, not yours.

Well done for recognising what you're feeling regarding your parents - I think I expected H to be everything to me too, as both my parents died a few years ago, so I lost that support that I would have had from them. I think you're right to wait until you are self-sufficient to avoid becoming dependent on anyone else - I think I need to follow your good advice!

I certainly don't feel like I'm treated any differently for being single I have to say, but I have become much more sociable now I'm not constrained by stbxh. I take up invitations that he would have moaned about, chat to anyone I meet and have started up new friendships with neighbours etc just through mentioning my situation and them offering for me to pop round for a cuppa. Its good to hear that you're also experiencing some positive changes with your friendships, its just the start!

I suppose because my H worked a lot of weekends and worked away a lot, I'm used to being on my own, that's not to say I want to be forever, but its not really so bad being a single person with some lovely friends and 3 great kids!

After some serial dating for almost 2 years I completely agree with this. I men how can you/I find so many faults in so many men.

First fix yourself and within then as my Nan would say "what is for you will not go by you" I am at the point I couldn't give a toss about having a man in our lives now, I am unsure how such a person would fit into our routine anyway. It would be very difficult on my children also I believe so I'm giving up for just now to concentrate on me and my DC and possibly the ironing....

It's difficult when you parents have problems, my mum is not loving/caring at all, it hurts, she does love me though, she just cannot show it.

It is also difficult when people view "single mums" are different yes we are different but not aliens many of us (like me) were basically a single parent pre seperation, I just had a man come home at night and leave in the morning, and burn sheets and shout and shit!

*as different

MissBoPeep I don't go around feeling sorry for myself re other people or anything, its just an observation. Don't know how to love myself though or how to stop looking for this in a man. Being happy single/on my own is something I can't even comprehend. Clearly, I have work to do :)