Non-existent sex drive - please help!

[kunoichi]

Since having my third child, my ex drive has become virtually non-existant. DH and I have only "done it" twice since DS was born (he's almost a year old), the last was nigh on six months ago, and it's becoming a massive problem. I'm still b/f and have no plans to stop yet, but don't think this could be the complete source of the problem.

DH and I have had some major problems with our relationship which we've talked through and have tried to work out. For over a year, I've been the sole breadwinner (I'm a WAHM) and have also had to take care of everything at home while DH does barely anything. He's "trying" to be self-employed as he feels he can't work well with others (long story) but barely earns anything. He even turned down the opportunity of a £17k/year job a few weeks ago, after which we almost broke up and he promised to change.

The past couple of weeks he has made more effort, helping a bit around the house, looking after baby, etc. though mostly I'm still frustrated and knackered most of the time.

Anyway, earlier this week he vented his frustrations at us having gone so long without sex. I must admit, because of our problems I'd got to the stage where I didn't want to show any affection, so promised to try and make more of an effort to be affectionate so we could slowly work our way towards being intimate again.

Unfortunately it still does not feel natural to me. Kissing with tongues, suggestive stroking and the like all feels forced to me. I feel terrible for saying this, but the thought of being intimate with DH repulses me somewhat. I'd love to be able to cuddle and nuzzle without feeling it HAS to go further, then see how things go.

Last night things got rather bad. Baby didn't go to down for the night til well after midnight (usually its about 9pm, though he wakes to be fed a couple of times). I was knackered by this point and wanted to cuddle and get some rest, but DH wanted things to go furthe
He sensed my reluctance and started saying "what have I done wrong? can we just make love". I told him "okay", but he replied "thats not enough, I want you to want me". I tried to explain that I was physically drained, tired to the point that my vision was blurred and not to expect me to feel rampant but that I understood he has needs and was willing to have sleepy sex (honestly I tried to phrase and say this well without hurting his ego) but he got very nasty and stormed back downstairs.

This has made me feel even worse, and since he's still not got up yet, I have no idea how he will be today.

I don't know what to do anymore. The way I feel now I could easily go without sex indefinitely, like having gone so long has made me forget how to enjoy it. To me it feels more important to try and get more rest than the usual 5/6 hours a night I manage lately. But on the same hand, DH obviously needs sex, and perhaps feels his efforts in other aspects of our relationship mean he deserves to be serviced in the bedroom (??). If perhaps by taking care of his needs he would find incentive to try harder to help the relationship work?

Any advice would be so appreciated right now!

It's not your sex-drive, it's your whole relationship. 'Sex' is a complex mental as well as a physical process. We have to like someone before we can feel affectionate enough to be intimate. If you've lost respect for your partner generally for being lazy, work-shy and inconsiderate, then it's no wonder it filters through and makes physical intimacy impossible. You can't be on the verge of breaking up one minute and then red-hot in the bedroom the next.

Resolve your incompatibility first and the sex-life might catch up later. But tbh I don't hold out much hope.

i think you need to explain to him that,like cogito says,you cant go from one extreme to the other as quickly as he would like.If I were you,I would tell him that you appreciate his efforts to try and change at the same time as mentioning the rest.
One question.Are you carrying on with the breastfeeding because it sort of gives you some sort of affection.

It's perfectly reasonable to not want sex with such a selfish partner. Is he looking after the baby during the day?

CogitoErgoSometimes - "Resolve your incompatibility first and the sex-life might catch up later" - Thank you for phrasing that so well. I've felt for ages that once other aspects of our relationship improve, the sex life will follow.

It's been just over a fortnight since our last major argument and DH has been trying more to help at home/contribute a little (albeit only a tenner) since then. Am I being selfish in thinking it's not long enough/not enough effort though?

Krumbum - he does a bit more now than he used to before, but not much. When we had the "big talk" I asked if he would look after baby in the daytime so I had more time to work or get some paying work to make up for the hours I can't work. Now he's trying to do more work (making stuff to sell on Etsy, though only one minor sale so far) but he's yet to look after baby for more than half-an-hour while I get something done. And even then, he makes it obvious that he can't cope well.

Unfortunately I think baby's picking up on his moods and reluctance - little DS often cries when I try to pass him over or leave the room when DH is there, though is fine with my other kids/family/best friend =/

amillionyears "One question.Are you carrying on with the breastfeeding because it sort of gives you some sort of affection." - I hadn't thought about breastfeeding like this before, so I don't think it's for affection. I wasn't able to b/f my older two (DS1's dad wouldn't let me, and with DD I was very poorly after her birth and only managed it for a week).

Baby was premature and it was important to me to persist. He's now very healthy and developing wonderfully which I contribute in great part to the breastfeeding. Early on I did try expressing so DH could try bottlefeeding too, but unfortunately DH wasn't interested in trying and baby has never taken to a bottle for milk feeds (though he drinks juice/water from a cup now). At times it is incredibly frustrating, I often feel drained from b/f, rather than "fulfilled".

As regards affection, I would love cuddles, snuggling, and to feel like i'm being looked after once in a while. DH makes it known that even snuggling together to watch a film would make him frustrated if it doesn't lead to sex. I crave a foot rub/neck massage, but same story there.

"Am I being selfish in thinking it's not long enough/not enough effort though?"

Not at all. Do understand that, once you've gone off someone, whatever they do or say & however much effort they put in, it may never be enough to get things back where they were. Sometimes relationships just run their course and fizzle out. If you have to work at feeling physically attracted to someone, you might as well call it a day.

Sorry, he's a needy dick.

You actually offered to let him have some intimacy "sleepy sex" but he wanted you to be rampant as well? Complete, utter, ungrateful prat.

I'd also think the not doing much with DS is a bad sign; how would he cope if you decided to work in an office?

I'd love to be with someone who was happy for me to walk away from £17k. He sounds entitled.

[Having said that, if he hasn't had much intimacy, he may well get frustrated... but it doesn't sound like you were being anything other than generous to him]

Until he shapes up so you like him again, I can't see things getting better.

I could have written this although I have 3 children and work full time at home.

I too have had "the talk" and things improved for about a week and now they are worse than ever.

I do everything and pay for almost everything.

I was more "active and adventurous" in the bedroom because that's what he wanted but it hasn't made any difference other than I now feel well and truly used

At least I can hold my head up and say I tried to make things work but ulmitately, it does take 2 to make a relationship work