Mind in bits - feel totally overwhelmed

[HollyGoSpritely]

Not been on for a while. Want to link to my post giving background but don't know how on iPhone.

Basically, I'm engaged (together 5.5 years) to a lovely man that I do love but have also had massive crush on a married friend for the last 8 years. Have been trying hard to avoid married friend, despite being in very close social group. Helps a bit when don't see home for a few weeks but feelings come straight to surface when I do see him.

Married friend and wife have just separated.

I can't think about anything now other than my feelings for him. I feel sick that I am betraying my fiancé like this. Overwhelmed by my emotions and can't talk to my friends as they are too close to the situation.

I feel like I'm about to explode.

Sorry, just needed to put this somewhere.

I don't know what to suggest :( I just wanted to say that must be incredibly hard. I think it is always hard when your brain compares the reality of a relationship with the idea of what it would be like to be with someone else. You subconsciously build a picture of what you imagine life would be like with them. I hope someone comes along with some useful advice because I am not sure what you can do. No contact is the best way but it is so difficult if you are in the same social group...

Thanks for replying melbie.

I wish I didn't have these feelings. Have been trying so so hard to suppress them and focus on my relationship with DP but I just don't think I can hold it together anymore. How can I be with him when I feel so strongly for someone else? Even when that someone else probably doesn't feel the same way.

Do I leave DP? I'm so selfish, I don't want to end up with no one but I guess that's what I deserve.

I feel so sick. Can't stop crying. Wish there was a RL person I could talk to but those I'm close enough to talk to about this would be put in a really awful position and it's too much to ask of them.

I'd take some time away and think about what you do want. Does your married friend feel the same way about you or doesn't he know?

Either way, if you feel that strongly for somebody else and an 'opportunity' has dropped into your lap, perhaps it's a sign. You should break off your engagement before you go any further though. Best wishes to you.

Oh, you've answered that bit. The decision is for you to make, regardless of how your married friend feels. You need to be 'free' if that's what you want and then let him know how you feel. If you're friends though, he may not want to risk your friendship and it may be a little too soon to drop this on him - you've known about it for a long time - he won't have.

Take some time to evaluate what you want - and keep your own counsel for now.

Thanks for replying lying (fab name by the way!).

He doesn't know. Nobody knows.

Crushes are powerful things. Lust is very difficult to ignore. The unobtainable is often attractive for no more reason than it's exciting and mysterious... unlike the man you look at over the cornflakes every morning, about whom you know everything warts and all. I don't know if the object of your crush knows how you feel or if he feels the same way but it's almost immaterial, really.

I think, if you have doubts about your relationship with your fiance, whatever the basis for those doubts, you should probably separate. It would not be fair to carry on a relationship with someone, let alone marry them, unless you were 100% sure that you're not simply using them as a stop-gap until something better comes along. Were you particularly young when you got together with your fiance?

Yes, the risk is that you end up with no-one but better that than to be in this half-way house and being fair to no-one, least of all yourself.

Why is the best advice always the hardest to take?

Thanks for the support. I feel so much better for getting this out from just inside my head.

Has your married friend ever given you any inclination that he is interested in you?

If not then even if he is now single he may still not and never see you that way.

If he has and was married at the time do you really deep down want a relationship with someone who may put out feelers to others while with you?

He may already be in another relationship. He may get back with ex next week. I think you need to steer clear of him for now as their separation is very recent. You don't want to be a rebound of a couple of months.

You shouldn't get married if you are considering dropping your fiancé like a hot potato as soon as someone you prefer comes along.

Perhaps what you really need is to be alone for sometime and sort your head out.

Rant away here anytime, Holly, it's a horrible position to be in and especially when you have nobody you can talk to about this. It could all work perfectly for you, I hope that that is the case.

If your married friend has only just left his wife though, I wouldn't want to be the 'first' relationship he has after his marriage (might be rebound) - and I'd probably cool it with the 'friends' thing too - it's very difficult to see a good friend as anything but a good friend - and you want more. Tactics and strategy will win through (I hope!)

Friend tried to kiss me 8 years ago - we were both pretty hammered - he was seeing someone (not his now wife) so i stopped it at the last second. I went travelling for a year, life happened, he got married and I got together with DP a couple of years later. Nothing's happened since, neither of us has come on to the other. I can't tell if the chemistry I feel around him is just me or if it's mutual.

I don't think I could tell him how I feel anyway for fear of him not feeling the same then having to endure social occasions with him.

In any case, agree entirely that even if I wanted to it would be way too soon - they only separated a week and a half ago.

I guess it's just made me realise that I need to do something about my relationship with DP. He's so lovely and we could have such a nice life together if I could just get over this.

You cannot force yourself to have strong feelings for one person, and force yourself not to have them for another. :( Love/lust isn't like that.

You can only decide how you act in response to the feelings you do have.

If you were already married the advice would be to try and work it through. And it wouldn't necessarily work, but it's the first thing you would have to try because you had made a solemn commitment.

As you're not married, it's wise to take a serious look at the relationship and ask if you're really sure you want your fiance, for life, and no-one else?. or if you're settling for Mr Nearest I Can Get, If No-one Else Comes Along.

There's nothing wrong with a relationship like that, but it's not wise to consider it the basis of a marriage?.even if you focus on it, or try to get over your crush,to an outsider it doesn't look good for the future (only you can decide about that though)!

Re the OM, it's best to do nothing in the short term, but you already know that ?!

I had the major hots for someone recently. 'hots' doesn't really sum it up because on every possible level my entire being screamed out for this guy. I was chewing the carpet - not just powerful lust but an emotional draw that was just unbelievable. As he is 30 years younger than me and in a relationship with a baby, erm nothing was going to happen. I have no doubt that the feelings were reciprocated (not that there was any outward indication at all). I may be kidding myself but I don't think so tbh. I've always been a bit baffled when one has the hots and the other doesn't, like whatserface in Four Weddings...

This guy is an addict really, pumped out 'stuff' like no tomorrow. I got caught in that jet stream, not unlike that myself.... Just saying!

..that it could be one of those addictive things going on? whenever I encounter something like this (and there have been a erm few times this has happened in my life ) I get out, get away. No point trying to control it, it isn't controllable iyswim. Best to just get away. That has meant getting away from jobs, groups etc. Drastic, maybe, but things like this just aren't worth it. They're all puff when it comes down to it.

Something to consider, anyway.

If you're wavering about your commitment to DF I would postpone the wedding at the very least. You don't have to tell him about your feelings for OM, but just say you're struggling with the enormity of marriage and don't want to jump into it without being 100% positive that this is the right time to do it.

Separate the issues, as the OM could be a red herring, the lure of something more exciting, but not necessarily what you need or want.

I know how you feel. Last year I had a massive crush on a friend. We spent time together with our DCs and I convinced myself that I should have married someone like him instead of (emotionally abusive) XH. He was everything H was not, kind, sensitive, a lovely dad.

Since I left H 3 months ago I have met up with OM for a drink, we kissed, I was over the moon and he has more or less blanked me ever since, about a month ago! There have been odd texts and some hit & miss half-arsed arrangements to meet up again that never materialised, but basically what I felt for him was a fantasy and what he felt for me WAS nothing more than friendship and IS NOW probably a bit of sympathy mixed with a reluctant guilt that having kissed me he ought to stay in contact, even though its a bit awkward.

What you feel for OM is probably not real, but if it is, you will only find out once you are no longer with DF. Whether that's a chance you're willing to take only you can decide. Good luck!