Stepmother question..

[thatstripedthing]

A few weeks back, I was talking with my stepmother (who I really get on with and have genuine affection for) about when to start dating after being separated and half way through divorce (got decree nici, just about to file absolute). She launched into this explanation about how men are 'not programmed to fancy your shape' (I am size 14 with a bit of a wobbly belly) and that I should take a year out - yes a whole fucking year because 'that's as long as it will probably take' - and that there is no point saying it 'shouldn't be like that because it just is'.
I have been simmering about this for about two weeks now ( moved to extreme rage when she told me that it was all about a combination of diet and exercise) because I don't actually think I am disgusting to men. It has made me super self conscious now. I mean, will I never get close to another man because I am a size 14. Obviously I would like to be 20 pounds lighter but that is down to me rather!
I don't know whether or not do dodge her now or face up to it. She is pissed off I am pissed off as it was 'all in your best interest' WWYD?

there was a thread about a similar issue on whether it was a mum thing to bring up weight with your daughter. FWIW my mother made me feel very self conscious about my weight, she took me to the GP to go on a diet, i was weighed and told i was well within healthy weight for my age and height and to eat less cakes/ sweets/biscuits if i wanted to do anything (i was 13). If anyone ever said how pretty i was she would reply, "she needs to lose weight".

Flash forward to me being a mum and i have to bite hard to hold my tongue as my own DD (an adult) has put on weight over the past year. In my opinion she looked better before. She is still in healthy weight band i'm sure and i don't want to upset her like my mother upset me but i do sometimes pass on articles about what works re diets and talk about exercise, i find it hard to stop myself and also it is something that preoccupies me as i would like to drop a few pounds. What i?m trying to say is that I have picked up on my mothers values and the importance she placed on being very slim and even though i try and mostly succeed not to pass those negative comments and messages onto my DD its very hard to completely stop.

I?m not a bit confronter but i?d probably tell her you were a bit upset at her comments and you?d prefer her not to mention your weight again.

I?d also consider that this is not about you, this is about her, the way she sees things. She has a fixed idea in her head of what men find attractive that is outdated. Yes some men do really only like very slender women but many more like curvier women. Most people prefer others with a toned body, whatever the size that body is, but a wobby tummy would not stop anyone half way decent from being attracted to you. I?ve read enough articles where men really couldn't care less when they get into bed what your thighs or bum or tum are like. I?ve had a rounded tummy all my life and had some amazing looking boyfriends- none of whom have said anything about my less than perfect body!

redpansy do we have the same mother? Mine left me with an eating disorder and I cried my eyes out both times I learnt I was expecting a girl because I was convinced I'd be a horrible mother.
thatstripedthing her comments were unacceptable but I wouldn't confront her unless she brings it up again.

I might momentarily HATE it when my mother gives my brothers and father a huge slice of cake and then says to me 'really, are you sure? a thin slice then, ok'........ but deep down Ihave the same values and I believe that it's just not WORTH it. That is the 'script' for the females in our family! I find myself doing it too. Ifeed both children healthily but I don't care if my son takes a fistful of biscuits, I wince if my daughter does it.

She's just being honest with you, women are too emotional about their weight.

People look their best when they are at their fittest and healthiest, natural body types and sizes vary but unhealthy is never attractive. If you look like you eat all the pies while spending the day on the couch, then no amount of positive affirmations or delusional thoughts will make you attractive to men unless they're feeder types.

If you normally get on really well with her and she doesn't usually set out to hurt you, I think you should just try to let it go rather than stewing over it. Just put it down to her having some funny ideas.

but a size 14 isn't huge....
oh just forgive her and move on....at least she said it instead of smirks and face pulling like my dear stepmother....

Her rudeness/bluntness aside...she is talking shit.

Everyone has different tastes as far as who they find attractive goes.

I've been a size 14 most of my adult life and have never had a problem 'attracting' men.

Do what makes you happy and ignore stupid people.

I've never heard such a complete and utter load of bollocks in all my life!
Men are not programmed to fancy your shape?!!!
And she knows this.... how? All men are the same, are they?
You're a size 14, ffs. I dream of that. DH, however, doesn't. When I pointed out that I'd like to be a similar size to a friend of ours who's a 10/12, he actually shuddered and said "ugh, no! Far too thin and no tits"

As long as you're eating healthily and taking regular exercise (as I am, actually bar the wine ) then you're doing fine. Ignore her.