sexless marriage - is it time to go? Should you stay for the kids?

[sunintheeast]

I have been with dh for nigh on 15 years, after children the sex died a bit of a death as it often does. I accepted it and hoped it would get better which it did on high days and holidays for a while, we were always too tired, stressed etc although it was more him than me not wanting it tbh. A few years ago DH had a serious affair and we split up. After much pain and heart wrenching I agreed to take him back when he begged, but on reflection it was mostly for the sake of the children, who were all under 6 at the time, if it had just been me I would have said no and part of me wishes I had had more guts I just wanted to make the family work. Fast forward a few years we are reasonablly happy, financially secure and he is a fantastic dad and supportive husband, in his eyes it is like his affair never happened. The problem is we have no intimacy at all, don't touch, rarely cuddle and kiss and haven;t had sex for two years, I just got so fed up with the rejection I stopped initiating it, I think he has physical problems now but won't talk about it although I have tried, I know he thinks that because he is so good in other ways it shouldn't matter but it does to me. I know if it wasn't for the kids I would be gone. The added complication is that I have really strong feelings for another man who feels the same, I don't know if it could go anywhere as our lives are so complicated but it is a taster of what I haven't had in my marriage for so long. Any body been through the same thing - is my marriage worth saving

I think you need to sit with him and tell him what you feel. You will only feel more and more resentful and it will affect things.

I think it is always a mistake to stay together purely "for the sake of the children". They will be fine if you split up, provided they feel loved by both of you, and you are not doing them any favours modelling an unhealthy relationship. Good luck.

Ok, you need to work this out without factoring in the OM. You are married still, he is NOT part of the equation.

Otherwise, bottom line, you are doing the same as your DH did, don't talk it any other way.

You don't sound at all happy, its very sad to hear this. If your dh won't discuss, and if he knows the potential consequences of his refusal to talk to you (dies he?) then it may be you have no choicem.

You only have one life. Look after yourself in the most morally upright way you can, and don't 'sacrifice' yourself if your dh refuses to communicate. That would be very selfish of him.

And I repeat. Until a certain point is reached, should you split, it should not involve this other man .not at all.

Hi sun, I was in a very similar position myself. Been with dh for 15 years.....except it was me who had the affair after a long time of being rejected by him. I told him about the affair and he was obviously upset but kind of understood why. After my affair ended, I was devastated and it made me look seriously at my marriage. Dh is a fantastic father and brilliant man (same as yours), but was I ready to give up ALL form of intimacy? No hand holding, cuddling, kissing....let alone sex? It was when he gave me permission to have another affair that I decided I was worth more than being someone's bit on the side. He confessed he was very unhappy in our marriage too so we made the brave and mutual decision to separate. We are still best friends, and the kids are doing well, after the initial shock (we'd NEVER argued). My advice is to look deep inside yourself and be brave and do what's right for you. Your kids will be fine. I'm so much happier now.

Personally I don't think you need to stay away from the OM. Go for it, if you want to. Give your husband a taste of his own medicine.

I think I know in my heart it is over and has been for some time but because the kids are so important I have been putting it off - kept on saying to myself I would do it when they were older but how long can you wait and is it ultimately fair on either of us? The big issue too is that I will have to be the one to leave - I know he won't go and as he is the primary carer I would be hard pushed to make him so even though I am lucky enough to be able to afford to rent I would also be leaving the kids in the family home - that is what tears me up - them thinking I am leaving them! It breaks my heart but I can't go on like this - then I feel selfish because he is not abusive, violent or any of the things you regularly read about here. Too much to think about on a Sunday morning - think I will take the dog out and clear my head!!!
Thanks for the replies

Women in such situations often write the good dad/fantastic dad comment as you have when they themselves have nothing positive to say about their man.
As you have done.

Your H has previously been unfaithful and for the childrens sake you took him back. Now you have feelings for another man. The issues surrounding the affair seem to have been never properly resolved (did you both have counselling, did he show remorse?) and now this has happened. This relationship to all intents and purposes is dead in the water. This other bloke is a red herring and a distraction to what is happening in your failing marriage; you cannot and must not get involved with him. Unless of course you want to put another family through the pain you are already having which I do not think you do.

Staying for the sake of the children puts an incredibly tough burden on them because they know that things between you and their dad are not right and as adults they won't thank you for staying together. They could well ask you why too you put their dad before them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. Both of you are currently imparting damaging lessons to them. Someone needs to be brave here and step up properly to the plate rather than skirt around the issues and problems. You write yourself that if it was not for the children you would have gone; they should not be the ones that bind you and your H together. Its very selfish of both of you to put such a burden on your children.

You need too to seek proper legal advice re arrangement re the children. No obstacle is insurmountable.

That is very true Attila, I used to try and convince myself of that.

A man who is really a 'fantastic Dad' will continue to be a fantastic Dad whether you're under the same roof or not.

ps, don't give up on your children. You don't have to leave them. Jesus! Get some legal advice. Maybe you could talk to your work and arrange a sabbatical so that you are at home with them and have been their primary carer when you file. He had an affair. You earn the money. You initiate sex, he doesn't want it. You deserve to walk away from this with your children and I believe you can. There may be a few hurdles but as Attila says, nothing is insurmountable. I left with my kids and my x tried to have me ordered back to the uk but he failed.