Having a baby, amongst other things, is ruining our marriage, husband in denial...would should I do?

[Crazysouthallian]

I need advice and don't know where to go.

Our daughter is nearly 7 months old, we love her to bits and are so happy to have her in our life. However, nothing else is happy. Everything else seems to be wrong, wrong, wrong.

My husband is barely at home, working all the hours God sends, I feel for him working so hard and feel guilty as I am still on maternity leave (although he felt it would be best if I took off my full entitlement and he will take off a month in January so that she at home with one of her parents until she is 1, as we just wanted it to be this way). He works all weekend sometimes...7 days in a row, I would be grateful but I know he is getting sick because of it. We recently found out his blood vessels in his brain are not working well and causing him epilepsy, he is no longer able to drive and getting down about it, I don't know how to help him and he cannot ask to work less hours as they are short staffed and willing to get rid of anyone who they feel is not able to work the full whack, because of all the cuts. But some days he doesn't get home until 9 only to leave at 8 the next morning to be home at 9 again and is so tired. Obviously he is then unable to communicate with me, or our baby because he is so exhausted....he barely said a word to me all evening and if he is asked to play with baby or feed her some food he just leaves the job (any job) half done and wonders off somewhere else, almost in a dream. I don't know how to deal with this. I know he is working hard for us, falling ill, feeling tired but it is hard not to feel ignored/unacknowledged. Also I am starting to feel like he doesn't think I'm worth any effort....he refuses to go out even when we have a babysitter on hand. Maybe he doesn't like me anymore :( because I have had PND. Our love life is as dry as a desert. I don't know what to do. :( If I tell him I'm upset he doesn't care and says it's all my fault....I should book the date, the table, arrange it all....I would, but it would be nice if HE made the effort to book something nice for us....he never has, he never even booked our honeymoon (or anything come to that) for our wedding, what should I expect, ill or not? :( I am so worried about him too, he is not himself because of all the illness..........he used to be my best friend, I still love him, I just want him to be happy and OK. :(

To top it all my Father has just been put in a care home....he has dementia and says hurtful things to us all because of his illness. My Mum's blood pressure has been dangerously high....she is high risk for a stroke. She calls me 4+ times a day to vent about how hard her life is caring for my Dad, I listen sympathetically but can't cope much longer....I tell her I have to go, the baby needs x, y, z.......she still keeps calling all the time :(. I am on the phone with her so much no wonder my husband and I barely speak, let alone anything else.

So in between looking after a beautiful but demanding 7 month old baby, coping with an ill and exhausted husband and going back and forth visiting elderly ill parents I am finding it difficult to cope. I am crying a lot. Wishing my husband would be nice to me, let me help him, take my advice etc. Feeling so undervalued. Scared for the future, so scared....will his brain be okay, will he be okay. :( Exhaused emotionally too and am on waiting list for counselling.

My friends say I should push him to help at home more, talk to me more, make an effort romantically for the sake of our relationship. But I know he is ill and that may be causing all the arguments too. :(

I feel so helpless and don't know what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Devastated at the mo and finding it hard to cope. When it rains it pours...

Oh dear, you poor thing! Everything's come at once for you here, hasn't it?

Will be back in a mo... just wanted to say someone's about.

You poor thing.

Firstly, a seven month old baby IS demanding - it isn't that yours is particularly demanding, just that that's the way they are. They do become easier; you just have to sit it out!

I wonder whether you should return to work sooner and help relieve your husband of the financial burden. Even if you worked part time, it would help, wouldn't it? How much does he earn compared to you? Would it be possible for you both to work 3/4 time and have a childminder for the time it overlaps?

Your poor mum, too. However, your responsibility at the moment is to your husband and to your baby. Listen to your mum, but don't take on any more responsibility.

Try not to let all of this spoil the time you have with your lovely baby.

OK, so is he working tomorrow? If not, then how about taking a deep breath, put aside for a moment your (entirely reasonable) desire/need for someone to take care of you and try and relax with him and reduce the pressure you both feel. Have a lie-in - with the baby maybe, or give him a treat and take her downstairs while he has an extra sleep, and take him tea and toast later on. I know you're probably desperate for someone to do this for you too, but someone's got to lead the way here.

Ask him how he'd like to spend the day and then go with it. If he can catch his breath and have a nice day, you're more likely to as well. And then you'll be a step closer to talking and connecting again.

Does any of that sound possible?

Thanks so much for replying Clam and ImperialBlether....Clam, I think that will be possible, he is working tomorrow unfortunately and I've to take my Dad to church in the morning as the care home won't do it as they're short staffed....but on Monday I am going to try do this and make it an 'us' day...if he'll let me, we had a row because of all this :(. I will do toast/tea etc for him, maybe he'll feel happier. I often ask him what he wants to do on days off (to go to Kew Gardens all the time is what he wants) and take us all in the car....I'll do it again and take him where he wants...but sometimes I wish he'd ask me what I want and do it with me :(. He went to the royal pagaent and olympic wrestling without me and wonders why I feel sad I don't do special things with him anymore. :(

ImperialBlether, I am going to try and go back earlier than planned so he can relax a bit....we both earn the same pro rata and are both going to drop some of our hours slightly due to the cost of childcare so we can have equal time with her but still keep afloat financially....thing is I have asked him not to work Sunday's so he can rest...he doesn't 'have' to do them and does them voluntarily (he gets paid good money but money we could live without if needs be)....BUT he will not give them up....I cannot ask him anymore for fear of another massive row. I suppose he doesn't want to accept he is not so well at the moment.

Sorry I am so down. Thanks so much for your advice.......I will do the things you suggested.......try to anyways xx

Poor you Crazy - you've got more than your fair share of life's problems there at the moment.
I agree with Imperial - your priority at the moment has to be your husband and baby.
I'm sorry for your Mum's problems but she isn't actually caring for your Dad - he's in a care home.
I can see that this doesn't stop her being worried about him and being very sad that he has ended up like this but, unfortunately, there's nothing that any of you can do about it.
Encourage your Mum to go out and meet friends, shop, join a club, volunteer, go to Church, start a night class etc - anything to get her to develop other sources of support rather than just you.
She probably feels at a loss as I imagine much of her time prior to Dad going into a home, was tied up looking after him and now she's got too much time on her hands. She needs to fill that void with some of the above suggestions.
If your DH has implied that he would be willing to go out if you booked the table for a date night etc then start with that.
I've been married to mine for years and if I waited for him to organise anything, we'd never go anywhere. Some chaps just need a bit of a shove in the right direction - don't take it too much to heart.
His recent health scare must be very frightening for him (and you) and some men just aren't very good at revealing that they are frightened to death.
Find out as much as you can about his condition, from reliable sources, so that you both know what the potential is regarding his health in the future.
Knowledge is power and right now you both sound as if you're feeling pretty powerless about a lot of things.
Perhaps you returning to work earlier than planned may help to relieve his work situation.
I appreciate that this is not what you planned but in all honesty, your baby won't remember. A few months won't make any difference.
I'll stop rambling now and wish you and yours all the best.

Oh crazy it sounds really awful, I'm so sorry for you having to deal with this all at once.

The change in roles when baby arrives can be really challenging. From being partners and best friends who share very similar lives, your daily experiences become so different you can feel very distant and seperate from one another.
It does get much better as dcs get older.
I know you must feel resentful of how little energy your DH has for your relationship or family life right now but can you wait till you're working part time and he's cut back before challenging him about it?

I say this not because your frustrations are not valid, but because the hours you describe him doing sound punishing. Coupled with him being ill, I don't think you will get much out of him right now which will leave you feeling worse.

You've tried asking him to stop working Sundays without any luck. I don't think you'll be able to get through to him until he's spending more time at home with you both and has the breathing space to think about what he wants his work and family life to look like.

I know it feels unfair that you have to bottle up your valid concerns but I think you really need to speak them at a time when they'll be properly heard.

Be prepared for the fact that his priorities may differ from yours and that you will have to compromise on some things, as will he.

You say he was never one for taking the initiative with organising fun stuff, for example. This is unlikely to suddenly change.

Is there anyone else who can help you support your mother? It's a hell of a lot to do on your own?

If not, can you perhaps visit her and help her access any local services that could take the pressure off?

I'm sorry things are so hard right now, hang on in there; This Too Will Pass

Thank you so much everyone for your amazing advice...I will try all the things you say. Husband in a happier mood and was v sweet to me this morning... I will treasure these moments. Thank you all, you are all v kind. xx

Another point - is he on epilepsy meds? if so these can cause a lot of tiredness and irritability. Epilepsy Action has a good forum for venting/advice if he or you need it.