Bloody in laws!!

[EricNorthmansFangBanger]

Ok, so this may turn out to be a big long so bear with me if you can. I'd have posted in AIBU but DH is an AIBU addict.

My in laws have been annoying me monumentally lately, even more so this weekend as I was coerced to stay here by DH. My relationship with them is quite difficult, especially FIL, who told DH 6 weeks before we were due to be married that he thought I wasn't good enough for him and that he should not marry me.

Things that have annoyed me since we arrived yesterday are:

• DD1 being wound up and getting over excited by FIL and he then carries on doing what he is doing after we have told DD1 to calm down, resulting in her being told off and FIL butting in saying 'it was my fault' but him carrying on again.

• FIL giving DD2 (14 months) a medicine bottle to shake, after previously being told in the past not to do that.

• FIL trying to coerce DD1 to eat more of her tea by lighting a lighter and each time he lights it she has another mouthful.

• After explicitly being told not to give DD1 anything to eat as she had only had her tea (and dessert!) at most 30 minutes earlier, MIL gives her half a necterine to eat because 'she was so good getting her hair brushed after her shower'

• MIL trying to parent DD1 even though we are right there and have already started to tell her off.

• MIL saying how SHE will teach DD1, who is starting school in a week and a bit, her numbers and letters. She always goes on about this, she's a sub primary school teacher, about to retire and thinks she knows everything.

• MIL using 'if you're good etc then you can have a magazine/sweets etc'

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant with DC3. This was very unplanned but we are happy. We informed them yesterday and DH mentioned that this was definitely the last DC and he would be having the snip at some point. DH and I had already discussed this before so it wasn't any news to me. MIL then proceeded to turn to me and ask 'will they not just tie your tubes when you have the c section'. I was a bit taken aback as, yes I do have to have another section (1st was emergency and second was elective) but surely she realises that it is much worse for me to have my tubes tied?

I understand that my hormones are running wild at the moment but some of the things that have pissed me off so far have already happened and they've been told not to do it again. I have had a word with DH about it all and he just says 'I know'. To be fair, he has already had a word but it's like it falls on deaf ears. I don't feel like I can talk to FIL as we just tolerate eachother for the sake of it after all that has happened.

Other things annoy have annoyed us, such as having to stay in a hotel when BIL and SIL were visiting with DNiece, as BIL wanted to spend some 'quality time' with in laws. They drive and we don't, they could visit any time but rarely do. We both live in the same town and its about a 70 minute drive to in laws, so if we come we tend to stay for a weekend or somthing. Now MIL acts as if we can't all stay at the same time, even though they had an extension done for this very reason.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not but I don't know how to broache all these issues that are pissing me off. I'm on the verge of telling in laws to piss off. MIL can be very underhand and sometimes manipulative, like crying and being subdued after DH told her firmly to bring DD2 inside when she was a few months old as MIL was standing outside in the back with her sister who was smoking right next to DD2. She has a tendency to act 'woe is me' and if she's done something wrong tries to get you to feel sorry for her.

Sorry for the rant. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with in laws then it would be much appreciated. Also ready to be told I am a hormonal cow

Thanks in advance :)

Ok - I think the incidents you mention are low level annoyances. I get on with my in laws but could imagine fil doing a fair few of the things you mention.

However, in light of your fil's comment before your wedding, I totally get why you're upset. It's a cumulative effect and hormones won't be helping.

I'd honestly keep your distance as much as possible unless your dh is prepared to have it out with them. I presume he defended you before - he needs to do it again now. They need to respect your judgement and parenting wishes regardless of whether they like you or not.

No your not, i can totally understand why you're upset!
But will confronting them help? I think you need space for a bit, speak to DH about how to deal with it?
If you feel like you need to say something, try to stay calm and explain that it upsets you when you are trying to do your best for ur children.
But remember Nanny and Grandads are meant to spoil the kids, is it gonna hurt if Nanny helps teach number and letter or buys them a magazine? Think of it from the kids point of view.
I have a colourful past with my family and have learnt the hard way that some fights are not worth fighting.x

I don't understand why a 70 minute drive means you have to stay the weekend. I usually got away with a few hours with my PIL at the same distance.

Tell your DH to man up and deal with them and then keep your distance. Their not your problem and if they can't respect you don't bother seeing them. After all what can they do about it?
Any complaints from them, just tell them you can't afford the hotel!

Thank you for replying.

Carly - yes DH did defend me, almost cut out FIL from wedding etc (we got married abroad). I have talked to him about things when they come up but he kind of says 'ok...OK!' and feels like I'm getting on at him, when I'm not trying to.

Molly - I don't think confronting them would help. They've been told before but have continued doing it, so I'm assuming confronting them would just result in a big argument. The magazine thing only annoys me because MIL is trying to bribe DD1 to do something with sweets etc etc and that's not how we parent. I'm fine with the buying of magazines any other time :). I think the whole teaching numbers/learning letters thing annoys me because of the way she says it. She has butted in before when I've been helping DD1 with learning letters and scoffed because I put a lower case letter instead of an upper case letter. I just can't wait to go home if I'm honest. We house sat for them a few weeks ago and were here for a few days before they left. My tolerance is running pretty low at the moment

OldLady - god knows why, it's always been what we've done. As we don't drive, sometimes MIL will come pick us up (which I'm grateful she does btw) and it would mean a 4 hour- ish round trip for her if we did that. Or the train, which is quite expensive but means we would spend about 4 hours travelling here and back. DH has just always arranged it that we stay for a weekend or a few days to save the hassle of lots of travel on one day I guess.

Bobyam - we now seem to coordinate our visits, so we aren't staying at the same time

It really does sound so hard for you, hormones definatly won't help(although i hated being told that when i was preggars). I guess just try to remember that this is a reflection on them and not you. And it is ultimately upto you to set the guidelines for your children and they should shut up and put up!
You sound like you are doing a great job.x

i think some of it you need to ignore - it was only one piece of necterine for example - but the fil was horrible to tell your dh not to marry you!

Sounds to me as if you're seeing them far too often! Cut back on the visits, you have a family - you don't need this aggro.

You're also contradicting yourself a little when you express annoyance with having to stay in a hotel. Most people would give an arm and a leg not to have to stay overnight with inlaws! I can understand why having you all there at the same time is way too much for them.

Thank you again for replies :)

Olgaga - I see your point, I should be grateful for the peace . It was just that we totally couldn't afford it and also MIL offered to pay she didn't. PIL were totally all for it before BIL mentioned about having alone time with them. We were staying here for a few days at the time and BIL decided it was then that they wanted to visit, so we had to move to a hotel. FIL is, according to DH, unsure about why BIL has made a fuss about it and is happy for everyone to be here, but MIL keeps what BIL said in mind and had specifically got us to change days we have been coming down after they invited us, as BIL has decided they want to visit the day before. She doesn't tell us this outright mind, she says she's busy but then will go on about BIL coming to stay. I do agree tht having us all at once makes the house very noisy and full despite the extension :)

OK, you're pregnant, so some of this may be hormones but I'm afraid I think YABU.

Why shouldn't FIL play exciting wind-up games with his granddaughter when, presumably he hasn't seen her for a while? What's wrong with a piece of nectarine? It's not as if it's a fruitshoot/Gregg's sausage roll.
Lots of small children need encouraging to eat - why shouldn't your FIL use an unusual way of attracting her attention to do so? Bet she was fascinated.
Why shouldn't your MIL be keen to show your dd some letters and shapes (although not sure why she'd be using capitals).

Give them a break. They're your children's grandparents and that's an important relationship. They're also your dh's parents, and as such ought to be given a little leeway and respect as, apart from the pre-marriage comment (which your h should not have passed on to you, frankly, as it was only bound to cause hurt and upset to you), these "crimes" are hardly massive.

Some of the examples are annoying. Most are not worth making a fuss about but would drive me batty.

and it

How often do you see them?

Why don't you have your tubes tied during the CS? I'm peeved that I didn't (had emergency CS and there wasn't time to discuss it).

I think that you having to decamp to a hotel because other visitors had decided to visit was a bit insulting TBH. Your PIL should have told other rels that they would either have to stay at a hotel or visit another time if they were already playing hosts to your good selves.
I assume that it was DH who told you what FIL said pre-wedding ie. you weren't good enough for DH?
If so, I think your DH bears some of the responsibility for your difficult relationship with his parents.
Why on earth did he repeat it to you? What good could possibly have come out of it?
Did he think he could tell you and that you would just shrug it off and then play happy families forever more?
No wonder you are sensitive (maybe over-sensitive?) to their remarks and actions.
None of it sounds terrible to me but, given the history, I can see where you're coming from.
Given that they drive and you don't, couldn't they come to visit you for lunch/dinner/afternoon tea then go home so that they maintain contact with their son and grand-children (and you) but that you're not all under the same roof long enough to get on each others nerves?

Learn to drive would new my advice!

clam - think DD1 would have preferred the fruit shoot to be honest

Mme - The idea of having my tubes tied seems so...final I guess. DH and I discussed all our options and he said he'd prefer to have the snip instead. I have thought about tubes tied but can't bear the thought to be honest. We have seen them quite a lot lately, with house sitting and DD1 starting school. It will be less after this weekend so I will and bear it :)

winged - A lot more to the whole FIL thing, that would have made my OP huge and long and complicated. DH did tell me, yes. He's suffered from depression for a number of years, only being diagnosed 2 years ago. FIL went for a walk with DH and DD1 whilst I tidied up for MIL. DH came back in a foul mood and eventually told me why. FIL has never liked me, BIL hasn't liked me either but I don't know whether he's changed his mind now. Mainly centres around our unexpected pregnancy with DD1 when we had been together for only 9 months. FIL wasn't told about pregnancy until I was 7 months gone, not my choice but MIL's. DH told her and she forbade DH to tell FIL as he was having tests to see if he had a relapse of cancer. Thankfully he didn't but it was all kept hush hush. No matter what I said we couldn't mention it. When the time came to eventually tell FIL, I wasn't allowed to be there and MIL acted like it was the first she had heard of it, though she had known since I was 3 months. FIL damn near disowned DH and didn't see DD1 until she was two months old and even then only saw her because MIL sprung us on him and I convinced DH we couldn't ban FIL from DD1's life. Sorry, totally getting off track!!

I think that maybe I am more on edge and over sensitive due to whats been said before. They come up now and again but not much at all. When they do come its usually to see BIL. Sometimes they quickly pop in to see us before they head over to BIL's. I think I will offer the chance for them to come to us for an afternoon next time a weekend stay is suggested :)

Thanks for your posts. Sounds like I definitely need to chill out

Yes definitely Fizzy!! I have an intensive course booked and DH is just in the process of sorting his out. 3 DC + no car will equal a total nightmare.

TheOnceler - It was tempting but I became a bit devestated and we (me, DH and FIL) had a big confrontation about it. Nothing was solved and we just agreed to tolerate for the sake of DD1 (and now DD2 and DC3 when he/she arrives). I must admit that I do resent him for not ever giving me a chance but I try to just get on with it.

And your MIL's a drama Queen from the sound of it.
What possible effect could you being pregnant have on your FIL's potential cancer relapse?
Families eh? Who'd have 'em?

I get that they're annoying and inappropriate but my sympathy for you is less due to actually discussing with them your DH getting a vasectomy! What a way to INVITE them to comment.

I cannot IMAGINE discussing this with in-laws I didn't have a good relationship with. The idea of a dreaded MIL having anything to say to me of any value about what I do with my Fallopian tubes after my last child, makes me squirm!!!!

It obviously does you too, so don't bloody discuss it with them!!

Chilling out will not help you longer term with regards to your DHs awful dare I say toxic sounding parents. These two will do the same behaviours with DC3 if left unchallenged.

What does your DH say about all these instances; this is really about power and control.

Your DH is well "trained" by them to tell his parents that he was going to get the snip. Does he not think that actually raising this subject with them was somewhat strange?. Seems that your DHs role in all this is to be peacekeeper.

Your DH also needs to realise that his primary loyalty is now to you and his own family unit, not his parents.

You both need to raise your boundary bar with regards to them a lot bloody higher than it is now. If not they will continue to disregard your wishes because that is what both of them have done to date.

Tolerating awful relatives for the sake of the children also teaches the children damaging lessons. You would not let a friend treat you both so poorly (FIL sounds as much like an arse of a human being so much as anything else) and family are truly no different in this regard.

I would daresay as well that your own family do not behave like this at all so it is doubly difficult to deal with. You need to impose much stricter boundaries on these two as well as not being afraid of them because they smell fear and doubt and take advantage of it. Also toxic people never take responsibility for their actions nor apologise for same so it is unfortunately not all that surprising to me that FIL has never apologised for his underhand and uncalled for comment about you prior to his son marrying you. No wonder you went abroad to get married.

Badgerina - I didn't actually invite them to comment at all. I didn't realise DH was going to mention him having the snip, but he did so in a jokey and nervous way. We weren't sure how they would react so I think he threw it in there to try and show that this is definitely the last DC.

Attila - I am worried about the whole bribary thing and disregarding what we have said. It doesn't show consistancy at all and I don't want any of our DC being taught that it doesn't matter what mummy or daddy say, we'll let you have it anyway.

My DH acknowledges these instances and comments on them but doesn't seem to be able to actually confront them about it. Both of us will tell them no but DH just gets peeved off at me if I point out anything to him. I want them to be more respectful of our wishes but, like I said in an earlier post, they do the same thing over and over again. They came with us when we got married, as did BIL/SIL and many members of my family. I'd have preferred to not have him there, as would DH but the holiday was all paid for. My family knew what had been said also. He didn't ruin our day or the holiday by being there, so I have that to be thankful for.

Just had to sit through MIL talking about having DD2 to stay for a weekend soon. Thing is, they would not be able to cope. DD2 is a bad sleeper and sometimes can have you awake all night. In the past MIL has said to DH that we should just leave her to cry, so I'm not very comfortable with her staying here. There are definite boundary issues that need to be emphasised with regards to DC's, but also with the issue of MIL oversharing with me about her going for cervical smears/mammograms/menopause etc.

Its not an excuse re your H but when you've had a lifetime of such conditioning it is very hard to rail against that. However, he needs to man up and both of you need to put on a united front with regards to his parents. Acting separately with regards to them will not help you.

I would also read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see if MIL fits in with any of what is written there.

Do not let MIL have DD2 for a weekend. Just say no and keep repeating it ad nauseum.

I would also suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward as a starting point for yourself.