somebody wake me up!!

[jango36]

Opinions please, my o h drinks every day. At least a bottle of wine, most days more, this has been going on for four years now.. Its killing me to watch and its killing knowing our child is witnessing this. I hae tried everything to get him to stop or cut back but its not happening.. I know i need to get out but he is threatening me saying our child will stay with him and i will have no chance of custody.. I cant talk to anyone is real life cos im ashamed

He won't get primary residence if he is an alcoholic, so I wouldn't worry about that. I am sure women with more wisdom will be along soon.

If he's an alcoholic, you need to learn and accept the fact that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

It is on him.

And he's no hope of getting fulltime residence of the dc.

Obviously the custody thing is utter bollocks, you must know that.

Don't be ashamed. You haven't done anything wrong. Secrecy is what enables addiction, you're actually helping him to drink by not telling anyone.

But it's not your shame. It is his addiction.

It sounds like he is (currently) a functioning alcoholic, the longer you stay the longer he will function. Better to get out, it may be just the wake-up call he needs to get some help. Or it may not...that is down to him.

You need to do the best for you and your DC.

YOU CANNOT do anything to MAKE him stop or cut back. This is down to him. The only thing you can do is be very clear why you are doing what you are doing and place the ball firmly in his court.

If you are concerned about custody go to the GP to discuss your OH's drinking so it is recorded and if he threatens again remind him that there are simple and cheap blood test that can be done to monitor his drinking (looking at liver function...not alcohol in the blood so can't be cleared by a short day off even if he were able).

have you looked for support from the usual places? www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

keep posting. we'll hold your hand

Alcoholics talk shit the majority of the time and us gullible partners accept it because we have been conditioned to do so. Alcoholics, in my experience, are genuinely quite controlling and confident. I fell for my exh's bullshit time after time and didn't leave him because he had conditioned me to think that I couldn't cope without him.

That couldn't have been further from the truth.

Please think about how this affects everyone. Not just him. Your precious child. His drinking is not your problem. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. How he treats you is your problem and one which you can so easily solve. Get some help. Fast. Please. Never be ashamed. You will be suprised how many people already know the life you are leading.

Life is so much better without them in your life. I know.

Wait, those who are saying he won't get custody of the DC - it depends where they live. If they're in the UK, he's most unlikely to get full residence as you rightly say. It's a standard thing that abusive partners threaten, but it isn't true. XH didn't even get residence of ours and he was the main carer (in theory - well, he was the non-earning parent, at least).

thans for the quick replies. I know all of this but he goes to work every day, fairly reponsible position.. he does not think he has a problem this is just me being a nag!!! i ve honestly only seen him go the odd day without over four years- he is upstairs right now snoring off two bottles of red!! i feel sick! another worry I have is that i have taken anti- depressants for a year now and he says he will use that against me if he needs too!.. Ive known for three years now that this is shit and i need to get out of it but i tried and tried for sons sake and really not wanting another break up. v stupid yes i know.. Its all such a mess!

Drinking 2 bottles of wine alone is massively different to taking prescribed medication. Don't let his bullshit take you in.

You are dealing with your MH problems, he is indulging his.

Mine drank exactly like this but for more than 17 years. Quite able to work and pretend to the world that I was just a bore and a nag who couldn't let him enjoy a few drinks. He had no interest in talking or any kind of intimacy, and no warning ever made any kind of difference to him. He was withdrawn and hostile and miserable. Please don't think it will resolve itself. I wish I had left after 5 years. The alcohol really affects the brain and personality in a permanent way. It eats away at your self-esteem and confidence. They are only interested in one relationship and that comes in a can or a bottle. For various reasons, including a hospital admission, mine has now started to cut down. He is still miserable, insular and hostile though. I think he did it for so long that the damage is done. It's very hard to know how this will impact on you over many years. I wish I had walked in the first year. I think you deserve much more than this x

He can't use anti-depressants against you either. XH tried that one. I bet if you weren't living with him you wouldn't need the ADs...

Just another thought. A friend of mine's DH was drinking similarly. She said to him one day that she was worried about his drinking because it was impacting on his health and their relationship. He took her comments on board and halved his drinking from that day onwards. No threats, no blame, no excuses. That's a proper response. Not threats to take your children off you. In the event of a battle over the children, a hair strand test will show the use of alcohol over a year! Good luck with whatever you decide OP. You're not stupid. You just have to learn to start thinking more of your own needs x