Missing my girlfriends

[rainybankholidayweekend]

Is it a fact of life that as we get older, have kids, work and marriages that we spend less or very little time with our old girlfriends? Do we still have girlfriends?

I am currently missing in a home-sick kind of way, those great girl friend chats I used to have, laughs, going out to the cinema or for a meal or just hanging out.

Some background. I have 2 DC's under 6 and I work 4 days a week and going up to full time soon. I live away from the rest of my family. At weekends we are often driving to IL's or my sisters or mums. My M&D are divorced.

I have some had some problems with depression. PND. I have lots of issues around my parents divorce when I was a teenager. When I left university the family home was no more and I was basically left with nowhere to live. I know this is nothing compared to stuff that happens to other people but just thinking about this makes me upset. Also I was bullied for most of my school life until the age of 14 mainly by girls and though I have tended to have good male friends it takes longer for me to trust that girls/women really want to be my friend.

I had a bad bout of depression earlier this year and I had more counselling which has helped my confidence.

When I had DS I had a couple of close friends that I met at antinatal classes. I had PND and so did they. They had AD's and I had counselling. In fact I didn't tell them I had PND too because I felt it was better to support them. My one friend and I spent lots of time together with our two similarly aged boys. We eventually went back to our jobs and saw each other less and less. Then I had DD. I had another bout of PND and I had some gynae problems. While DD was a baby I was spending a lot of time locally, taking DS to school and back and such like. I stayed at home mainly. I didn't really get any opportunity to meet up with either of these friends and they didn't really come and see me like we used to do before when we used to go to each other houses etc.

Now one of these friends has had her 2nd DC who must be 8 months now. I popped in to see her about a month ago but she was off out and couldn't chat. I texted her to arrange to meet up but she was busy and couldn't. I invited her DS to my DS's birthday but they couldn't make it. I am getting the feeling that she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. This hooks right into my feelings of rejection (by girls at school).

The other friend split up from her partner (who was a work colleague of mine) and moved house but didn't tell me about it. I did pop round for a cuppa one day with DD but I felt awkward that she doesn't want me as a friend because she didn't even tell me about the split or move. I didn't feel I could even ask her about it because it seemed impolite. I have not had any contact with her since.

I know from facebook that these two friends are going out to the cinema and hanging out together a lot. One time I said on facebook that I would have loved to see that film too and I got a 'we must do something some time'. I asked when but nothing. They are alwasy hanging out with each other and with other people and I guess I feel really left out. I know this is lots to do with my bullying but it still hurts.

Definitely stop looking at facebook. It's either full of people doing more interesting things than you, meeting up at events to which you weren't invited or just wittering on about boring crap!!

My experience is that you have to make an effort to keep up with people and be a bit more in their face (rather than their facebook) when kids come along. If you drop out of sight for months on end, they'll stop including you in stuff. So, rather than 'we must do something' (vague), you have to pin them down to a time and a place. Be organised and demanding! And then friendships come and go anyway... all phases of life involve making new friends and dropping a few old ones, I've found. One or two go the distance but most are more transient. No reflection on anyone as an individual, I don't think.

Good luck

You sound like a great friend.

Your new mum friends now have so much in common with you, just take it at a relaxed pace, and try and invite them into casual coffee meet ups etc, build up the relationships from there.

Some friends do just stay in the past. If there is goodwill there and you haven't fallen out with them then just enjoy the relationship for what it was and leave it in the past.

Do you have any other interests or hobbies? It sounds like it's time for you to invest some time in yourself, whether it be a fitness class, book group something like that?

Cogito - Thank you for posting. I know you are right about facebook. It really can be a bad thing. I do prefer RL experiences. I will have a think about being more direct and build myself up to it. I think you are right in that friendships come and go though.

Binful (co-incidentally I think we may have a binfullofmaggots due to a recycling mishap) - I don't have any hobbies as such. I do love gardening and painting tho not done much lately. I think you are right about the time investment thing. It is mainly kids, work, cook, bed here.

I don't think there has been any falling out with these friends but I am always worried that they don't like me for some reason . I hope this doesn't make me clingy or a pain. I am aware that i have a good job and home and I think one of the girls resents that. She has made comments before that I have such a lovely life etc. without realising what it is really like sometimes.