Being destroyed by guilt

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

After years of unhappiness and 13 years married, dh and I are separating. We did Relate years ago. Our relationship is empty, but he would tolerate it. I can't.

The family home is for sale, and we have been living in it together for the past six months since we agreed to separate. I just got the keys to my new house, bought with a loan from family members, which will be paid back when we sell.

It's a lovely house, big and characterful. The pressure is on now to sell fh, and what's left will determine what dh can buy. He will stay in fh until it's sold. It's a flat market and little interest He will only be able to afford a small, modern house (fh is big, Edwardian, in a posh area so it's going to be a real come-down).

I've told him I want him to have our cottage in the sticks - as compensation, if you like. It's always been in my name. This makes us sound really privileged, but we are much less well off than we used to be, in fact things are very uncertain and scary because of the recession. His business is more than struggling and all we will have left is equity and a bit of capital. I was a SAHM for years and am studying now.

I feel so guilty. I want to look to the future and my new home, but I feel racked with guilt about dh. He's not a bad man, and is a great dad, but is a gaslighter and passive aggressive. I can't be myself with him at all and am constantly in a state of low level anxiety because I don't know what he's thinking and he bottles up hostilities. I feel 'disapproved of' in everything I do. I do think he loves me though, he's just crap at showing it. He's 14 years older than me, and been married before (no kids). He's devoted to our children.

I feel he is really angry because I'm trying to move on - he's resisted separating for ages - and I feel I am leaving him middle aged, unloved, living in a little box while things are going terribly wrong at work. There's no-one else involved. Kids seem fine but it's all sad and a big sense of failure.

Then I tell myself he's not doing too badly as these things go. I will let him have as much custody as he likes, we will live close to each other, and I am taking about half what we own.

But then I feel I did nothing to earn any of this and because it's not what he wants I feel I'm taking him to the cleaners. I felt suicidal a lot in my marriage - no way out, couldn't bring myself to break up the family - and just want to be happy and a good mum, to finish my studies and support myself, but I feel like a criminal now.

The new house needs a bit of sorting out and we have a lifetime of shared stuff to sort out in the old one. But I almost feel I can't bring myself to move out and he's dreading the day we do anyway.

Anyone else felt like this/been in this position? :(

[ThistlePetal]

Well at least loveandkids has bumped this thread with his/her post..... Tiredof I hadn't read this thread before but there is some fab support for you here :).

Ray it's always good to hear from folks who have come out the other side and indeed moved on to better and brighter things :). Hurray for your supportive mum too, she sounds great :).

[LemonDrizzled]

tiredof that is such a familiar story I must have married your DH's twin!

I am negotiating the divorce settlement at the moment and H is playing a tiny violin. He is in our big (Edwardian!) family home with one of our our adult children and a cleaner and gardener, earning three times what I do. But he believes he is a hard done by abandoned single parent and that I should give up most of my financial rights to him because I "failed" at our marriage.

Never mind that he was a PA EA selfish entitled twunt who left EVERYTHING to me to do and is now realising what he has lost. He has reaped the consequences of his behaviour but as nothing is ever his fault it must be all mine. If he had treated me properly would I have walked out? Of course not! I am not insane!! I stayed as long as I could bear it and nearly broke down.

I think you need to get lawyered up and make sure he doesn't manipulate you into giving him an unfair share of the assets. How would you feel if in six months time he finds a new girlfriend with a decent salary and you are still struggling to fund the DC?

Oh and I understand your hurt over the friends. It can't be helped. But you are going to make new friends away from his gloomy disapproval and they will like you for yourself!

[LemonDrizzled]

Ooops just noticed a month passed between the OP and the responses... hope you are feeling better tired

[Abitwobblynow]

He's not a bad man, and is a great dad, but is a gaslighter and passive aggressive. I can't be myself with him at all and am constantly in a state of low level anxiety because I don't know what he's thinking and he bottles up hostilities. I feel 'disapproved of' in everything I do.

You are so not alone. This is what I have as well. With a complete lack of interest in anything I say, do or want.