Husbands booked in for a vescectomy, he is adamant, I am wibbling...

[EverybodySayHumf]

We are both approaching 30 and we talked about the snip as it just seemed like the natural thing to do as we seemed finished with having children.

But now that a date is booked I am panicking.

I don't want anymore children at the moment, I can't see myself wanting anymore at all really but theres a tiny voice in the back of my head saying 'what if...?'

How will I feel when my youngest starts school, what if I feel compleetely lost and want one more?

DH is sure he wont. He says once the little one s at school he will see it as all over (baby days) and we will focus on the kids growing ect ...

but all I've ever done is be a mum t little ones and I feel ike I may not be whole without kids to care for.

But then I would be devestated if I found out I was pregnant now, theres no way I could do baby 5 at the moment,

its all about the 'what if' in the future?! Am so confused :(

Hi

Have a very un mumsnetty hug hun, like a lot of things in life if someone suddenly tells you it no longer exists or you can no longer have something, you can go through a bit of a grieving period, no one likes to be told they can no longer do or have something.

it's perfectly natural to feel like this, and have a bit of a panic. I will say though that defining yourself as only a mum is being a little restrictive on yourself, because as you know kids grow up and fly the nest eventually.
Perhaps look at this point in your life as an opportunity to think what you would like to do for you, as apposed to what you can do for your family. Re train as a midwife etc, something you will enjoy mabe child centred still.

it sounds like you still have a lot of child rearing rearing years ahead of you with the ones you have, I am sure there is enough there to distract you during this wobble, he is being proactive which is good he is thinking about your health and also the family finances and dynamics.

Would it be possible to freeze some of dh's sperm prior to the vasectomy, so that it would feel less "final"?

I have a dd who is 7 from a previous relationship but husband has been there since she was 1 and DH has a 18 year from a previous marriage. We have just had a dd who is 4 months old. Very much planned. In 2009 I was in hospital for 2 months because of a freak of nature incident where I dysfunctionally bled like a slaughtered pig. I was adamant I didn't want anymore after this happened and I ask DH to have the snip. He didn't want to, he was afraid of the minor op and he also said I may change my mind about kids in the future, although I thought this was very unlikely.
Sure enough in August 2010 I craved another child. I had my coil removed and we started trying in Feb 2011. I was pregnant in the July.

I have previously had a silent miscarriage at 20 weeks and had an ectopic which resulted in having my left tube removed. I also discovered last year that I have PCOS so felt my chances were slim to have another child. I felt so desperate for one I went abit crazy. I would like one more in around 4 years time when youngest is at school.

Bottom line is, if I had made my DH go through with having the snip, I would have never forgiven the pair of us.

I've got to say, as you have 5 already I don't blame him for not wanting anymore. I still wouldn't be happy him getting the snip tho...just incase! It's a massive decsion that obviously shouldn't be taken lightly. Good luck.

X

Sorry I ment you have 4 already.

"I feel ike I may not be whole without kids to care for."

To me, that would say he should have the snip absolutely. If you know for a fact there are no more children on the horizon you'll get on with making a life for yourself that doesn't involve small children. All the time you keep DC5 as a remote possibility you'll stagnate.

I have got my date to be sterilised. I already have 4 DC's, two with Autism, and I'm a Lone Parent with epilepsy and fibromyalgia. I know that physically I cannot manage to cope with any more DC's, and have fallen pregnant whole using all hormonal contraception, and that I HAVE finished having DC's.

However, since I got the date through, I have felt a bit 'wobbly' about it IYSWIM. I have been looking after tinies for the best part of 14 years, and I am that DS3 is the last one, and getting ever bigger.

However, regardless of the wobbles, it IS the best thing for me to do, I just think
It will take a period of 'mourning' the loss of my childbearing abilities. Especially as I'm only 31, and if I get into a relationship in the future, it may not work out because I will be unable to have any more DC's.

Still for the best for me though!

I would say 4 children is plenty and your husband is being sensible.

I think it's time to make more of your own life, find something you want to do for yourself, rather than your sole identity being 'mum'. It's scary when your main focus has been the children to step out of that - and you may doubt your own capabilities - but long-term you need to be whole as yourself.

I understand 'what if' but 4 kids is rather a lot! I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all. I think you just need to get your head around it, give yourself time.

Is there a reason why you won't consider long acting reversible contraception (e.g. coil, implant, injection)? I do agree with the comments that 4 dc is plenty and you need to explore other ways to occupy your time. We have decided to stop at 2 dc and that's partly because I have my own interests and don't want all my identity to come from being a mother.

But I'd never encourage DH to get the snip mainly in case we split or I died and he found another partner, it would be hard on him if they wanted dc of their own. And the implant has a lower failure rate than vasectomies but it's fully reversible and lasts up to three years. I know it doesn't suit everyone due to the hormones but it's working very well for me (made my periods lighter too). Mirena is also very effective but long-lasting, though it didn't agree with me but it's worked well for several friends.

Talk to DH about your feelings. I have 4 children, and thought for a while I would like another one. Things moved on, but I found it reassuring that I still had the option.
I am too old now anyway, and very happy with my 4. Everyone's different though; talking to DH about your feelings will help.

I wouldn't want my dp to have the snip. Nobody knows what the future will bring, as breathe faster says.

Speaking as a man who was 'done' a few years ago ... 4 DC is enough for most people so it's a good thing. However, I was considerably older than 30 when I had mine done. What kind of contraception do you use at the moment? Is there a reason to change now as opposed to in a few years?

Totally normal to wibble I think. DH made an appointment to get it done 2 weeks after we found out i was pg with number 3. I was completely fine with it until the day before when I kept saying things like "if you want to back out at any time just do it, i don't mind".
He was adamant though and went through with it, and you know what? It's fine! We have 3 healthy DC's and no intention, desire or opportunity to have anymore. Our family is complete now and neither of us regret it at all. Tbh, it was one of the best decisions we made.

My DH also has an appointment booked. We have 2. What I don't understand is why don't more men get it? I tried to get the coil inserted (3 times), but it did not work. I don't want to try again. I don't want to be on the pill as it is so tricky to take at the same time every day nor want to gain weight with the injections or implants.

DH does not like using condoms. So here we are. Am I doing the wrong thing? I definitely don't want a 3rd. Nor does DH. We are nearing our 40s.

I was devestated about being sterilised, I have 4 dc, in my head I knew that I'd had my share etc.

I think it's just so final and actually if you didn't have any doubts or emotion wouldn't that be more worrying? It would almost be that you weren't recognising that it is the end of an era.

Why would it be the wrong thing? You both don't want a third child, so why should'nt he take on the responsibility?

dquo, that's exactly what DH said. 'why cant he be responsible for this.' That is why he booked the appointment and will go through the procedure. I definitely don't want a third. But this just seems to final. Specially after
Reading this thread.

Arh. Sorry about smily in middle of your name. Typo.

Logically, I know another child (for me & dh) would not be a good idea. Part of me is distressed by this, but part of me is liberated. But logic prevails.

If you're not properly sure, OP, why not try the Mirena or similar to give you safe contraception for 5 years or so. Then, if you both agree, he can get the snip.

Don't do something so permanent as vasectomy (reversing it is possible, but not always) if you're not sure.

That said, I do hold by the fact there should be more to your life than raising kids, and (perhaps) using them as a reason not to get out into the world is not a good thing for you or for them.

If DH is sure, then he is sure and I'm afraid that really is the end of the matter. I would be just as wrong if he tried to talk you out of a sterilisation that you wanted because you were sure.

He does not want more children. He is taking responsibility for ensuring that he does not have them. It would be totally wrong to force further even theoretic fatherhood on someone who is clear that they do not want more children.

It is his body, his gametes, his choice.