How can I force myself to accept that this is my life now and that I have to stop loving him when it just hurts so much?

[1973magpie]

My h and I have separated recently, at my instigation, after we had been unhappy for a long time.

I stupidly had hoped that suggesting a separation would shock him into seeking help for his depression and general all round moodiness but I can't seem to accept that he has just gone, without even a backwards glance

I love him, but it was killing me emotionally to be with him, I thought I'd feel better when he moved out but I feel 10 x worse

I know it is early days, but I really think it's over and that he just doesn't care enough to want to sort it out.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, I suppose O just have to get on with it. I started this process, but it's hard to remember why when he seems so happy and back to who he was when I met him, he took the kids out yesterday and they had a great time,which I'm really pleased about for them but why couldn't he be like this before? it was all I wanted.

Sorry if that was a bit of an essay, but I really needed to get it out. Thanks for reading.

I don't know how many years you wished and hoped he could be better behaved but one happy day out with the kids doesn't negate all of that. You know that, if you were back together, it would revert back to normal. Some people function better apart than they do together, of course.

Yes, you took a risk suggesting a separation but he's called your bluff and you just have to get on with it now and manage the regrets best you can. Means gradually changing your life about so that you take advantage of not living with a moody, depressed person. You can find opportunities to make the most of your independence and find new things to do in your role of single person rather than a couple. Make plans for the future as a way to prevent yourself dwelling on the past. Spend time with people who make you feel good and keep busy. Eventually, a few months down the track, you'll have a whole new lifestyle and feel more positive.

Have you spoken to him. Communication is the key here. Ask him how he is and why he is better now.

You never know, he may be really trying to impress you

Hi Magpie
I've just returned to talk after a year(last weekend) of finally separating from my husband. Our stories sound really similar, after years of living with someone who became increasingly miserable and whose behaviour became more and more self centred I realised that I wasn't living with the person I had originally married. It was awful and painful but eventually he pushed me to the point where I had little choice other than to tell him to leave. I think at that time I thought he'd come round, apologise and everything would be better. It hasn't worked out that way. He is now in a flat, still to my mind seemingly miserable and isolated but that's his choice I guess and i'll never really know whats going on his life and he chooses how he presents himself to me. We have arranged access to the children which I originally found really difficult but a year down the line I have settled into. He is a good dad and we can still speak. I have struggled with boundaries though and still do and this has been my biggest challenge. We still do things together with the kid s as a family but am trying o reduce this as at times it's ok and other times makes me feel like I've gone backwards...... But the point of his post is that unbelievably things do move forward :-) . It has taken a year but I now see the benefits of being away from him. I have made some great new friends, have started doing things I've wanted to do, like going to festivals, windsurfing etc and have realised the sense of achievement you can have when you do it yourself. I am now enjoying the odd lay in and being able to take myself off to meet friends for a coffee or just sitting watching a crap film on my own. It's great to no longer feel responsible for someone else's happiness/ unhappiness. I'm also beginning to feel that there may be a possibility of dating again, though this scares the hell out of me (never was v good at it!). My advice, for what it's worth, is to structure your time when he has the kids so that you are doing things you can get a quick hit of enjoyment from, limit your interactions with him wherever possible and be realistic that it's going to take up to a year to feel okay about it and that year will pass quickly. Post here, I'm happy to chat if you want to, I found talking to others who had been in the same situation really helpful, particularly in the early days. Right off for a coffee, after my lie in.... Kids back at 1 ;-) take care

Thank you Cogito I think you are right, he has never managed to maintain Mr nice for very long, and it has always been me hoping for him to want to care, and be a better husband.

Thank you justme, that is what a little bit of my heart is hoping, but my head says he is just too selfish to want to be any different.

I had persuaded him to go for cbt counselling (it took me years) but when we decided to separate he very pointedly phoned and cancelled his first appointment in front of me and told them not to call him again although I don't know how much it would have helped as he was always only doing it for me and couldn't see the point if we weren't together as he didn't have a problem with how he is

I have spent our whole time together trying to get him to open up and communicate, but he just won't, I still have no idea how he feels about us separating, as all he has said (when pushed a lot) was that he feels betrayed.

He just said that if that's what I want, that's what will happen he showed no desire to try anything to save our relationship

Thanks lilbitmum, your situation sounds scarily familiar, I guess it's going to take longer than a few weeks to accept my new normal, but at least I know I tried everything in my power to make it work, and I can't make him want to be with me, and I don't want to be with him the way he is

Hi Magpie. It's horrible and scary and I remember it so well so I really feel for you. I remember friends saying it would take a year and that I felt that seemed like an age and also that I couldn't believe I'd ever feel different... But I do. My husband did a year of CBT at my behest. I am a psychologist and do CBT among other things. He may as well have peed the money up against the wall. He omitted things from the counsellor and then didnt understand why it didn't work (hmmmmm) . I tried to fix him but it didn't work. The best Thing i did for me was to just accept that I had tried my best, anything else would have driven me mad. You deserve better...... At the moment you probably can't see it but believe me you will

It sounds like he is trying to make you feel responsible for the separation and shifting blame. Try not to get caught up in that, maybe write down the things that have driven you to the position so that you remember, our brains are v good at blocking out traumatic negative things.

Obviously I don't want to project all my stuff onto you, so if he does manage a turnaround then think about what exactly you would need from him to convince you he is serious

Good luck x

My marriage broke up many years ago and, whilst it wasn't the same set-up... he left me for someone else, ex-H was also the moody depressive type, bordering on emotional abuse. Like others I wasted a lot of time trying to 'fix' him and probably still would be if he hadn't left!!

My point being - with the advantage of several years' hindsight - that we're not responsible for these creatures. We invest so much time, effort and emotion trying to make their lives happy and are baffled to discover that love doesn't conquer all. Truth is that they will never be happy, and the love we lavish on them is never reciprocated. Having the emotional investment thrown back in your face when the answer to 'shape up or leave' is 'I'm leaving' is insulting, but one day - and you'll just have to trust me on this one - you'll look back and wonder why you wasted so much time.

Put it this way... a big criteria for me now in the dating game is 'no personal issues'. The minute some guy thinks I give a shit about his problems, he's history. :)

1973 magpie.there is a book I can suggest called "Why Women Talk and Men Walk.How to improve your relationship without Discussing It".though I dont know how approprite it would be at this stage,and whether it would help at all.But may be worth a read for you.
What do you think he really feels like inside?
Why does he think you betrayed him?

Cogito,I have been wondering whether to say something about your post,and decided to.
Are you content with your current way of life.
Obviously dont reply to me if you dont want to .Im just thinking,that yes,if your DH had an affair,he broke the marriage,and it was perfectly understandable that things couldnt be mended.
But im just wondering whether,as you are sort of now writing off all men,that you might be throwing away some potential men who wouldnt let you down in the future.
And apologies to the op for somewhat cutting across here.

Thanks for all your replies, I really think that cogito hit the nail on the head, I think he found it easier to be the happy version of himself after a couple of weeks away from his family and that maybe us separating is easier for him than trying to maintain the happy mask permanently.

It did always seem somewhat false if he was at all cheery as he has always been a glass half empty kind of person, with nothing positive to say about anything, it was very draining living with the constant negativity, which is what really led us to this point.

Still can't understand why I feel like I love him and miss him though, when he was such a pain in the arse to be around!

Maybe it's the loss of what I hoped our life together would be, rather than the loss of what it actually was

Amillionyears, I'm not sure he really feels very much inside tbh, he has never been very emotional, although it was him that pursued me very quickly at the start, professing his love for me very early on (didn't know about red flags then, but it did worry me at the time).

I think he feels betrayed because as he sees it, if I loved him I would accept him exactly as he is, faults and all. I did for a very long time, I just thought he was damaged iykwim, and that time, love and marriage would reassure him

Sadly he doesn't seem to want to be happy, and I do, so there we are

Hi magpie, your situation sounds very similar to mine too. i have now been separated from my husband of 10 years for 3 weeks.

Very similar reasons, constant negativity, inability to cope with things without me propping him up and jollying him along. It was all so draining and exhausting. His way of coping was using alcohol as an escape - not to excess, but habitually. He would escape to the pub to live a fantasy life where all was good then come home to reality and resent that it was not what he had been pretending for the past 2 hours. While I was stuck at home night after night dealing with reality.

I tried everything - talking (he would walk out of the room), writing things down (he would tear them up without reading them) , saying nothing (drove myself to the point of despair. Eventually I called for a break. he moved out for a week, came back saying he had changed and he knew what he was going to lose. Within 3 months we were back to the same old. I felt like I was only ever spoken to when he needed help solving a problem yet he was never there for me when I needed support.

He has now turned the whole thing around into being ALL MY FAULT. I have to keep running through the facts so I believe that this is not the case. I have broken up the family, taken my kids dad away from them, and ruined his life. Apparently. I have advised him to seek counselling but I know he won't :( And then I hear from other people that he's out with mates laughing and joking and having fun so...... seems it was just us that brought him down.

Strangely though I feel fine though - uplifted even in the times when he's not harrassing me with threats of overdosing or whatever :/

It might hurt now but that's because it's very recent. Also, sorry, but women are fed this guff all the time, that it is our responsibility to Make Our Man Happy. This just means that women put up with all kinds of shit from men who are selfish or inadequate or downright nasty, when it's far better to go, look, enough, whinyarse, you're dumped!

Firstly because there are nice men out there, who are mentally healthy, decent, lovable, worthwhile people, and while you're scurrying round focussing your whole life on a loser you won't meet one.

Secondly because, despite all the propaganda to the contrary, a woman doesn;t NEED to have a man, any man in her life to make her 'complete'. It's great to be single anyway, and far, far better to be single than with a shitbag of a man. A couple-relationship should be something that enhances your life, not a burden or hard work or a drain on all your resources. Finally, you cannot fix another person's mental health issues by 'loving' that person. Sometimes love and support can help a person who is undergoing treatment for a mental illness, sure, but the loving partner matters just as much as the sick one, and mental illness is not a justification for abusing a partner, nor should the partner be expected to suck it up indefinitely.

op,I dont understand about the red flag bit.
You probably still feel you love him because you love aspects of him.Perfectly understandable.

SGB all of what you are saying has really hit home, I think it is because I have spent the last 9 years solely focused on how to make him happy and making his life easier that it's really hard to just stop that mindset.

Something had to give as because he was always the centre of the universe, I was so emotionally drained that it got to the point where I felt as if I didn't have enough left to give my children, and there was nothing left for me at all

amillionyears the red flag expression is something I picked up from MN on the emotional abuse thread, just things that set off a little alarm inside you that this behaviour isn't right.

Waterwater, yes our situations certainly seem very similar, sad that there is someone else in the same boat though it's shit isn't it.

In some ways I do feel better, the atmosphere in the house is already lighter, I don't feel like there is my own personal storm cloud hovering around the house (h didn't ever go out anywhere though) he was always there skulking in the background making me feel uncomfortable if people came over, and self-medicating with pot in the garage

I have had my neighbour round for tea and a chat tonight, and am constantly surprised already how supportive people are being to me so hopefully will get some sleep tonight. Night all.

Oh, a pothead as well and one who wouldn't seek help. Honestly, whether or not a doctor would actually diagnose depression, what you describe is a lazy, selfish, unpleasant failure of a human being who you are going to be a lot better off without.
Have a good sleep and in the morning start thinking: onwards and upwards!

I'm in the reverse situation with a partner who I am unhappy with but is always trying to make it work. I know that I need to leave but for many reasons haven't done so yet (including children). However if I take it out on him he puts up with it and this is just more annoying.
I am being a complete cow to him and it must seem abusive but in truth the long term relationships I have had before him with have all been very happy and functional and ended for valid reasons around youth rather than abuse or misery. His on the other hand have all ended with his partner walking out after being abusive or the one he left as she was "too needy".

This sounds to me like your ex wasn't happy and you have let him go. If you love him truly then that was the best thing you could have done.You'll do well to avoid whatever his type is in future and find someone that appreciates you and your commitment. It's not you it's him.

Nothinggold, I think that what you say is true, letting him go is probably the best thing to do, loving someone who just doesn't love you back is soul destroying

I'm sorry that you are in an unhappy situation too, there seems to be so much of it about at the moment

An update if anyone is interested!

It's been a couple of weeks now, and aside from him not wanting to commit to when he'll next see the kids, life is soo much better

The kids and I are getting along fine without him, everyone is much happier and more relaxed, I'm actually busier and more organised/houseproud than ever before.

The only thing I miss is the sex...mind you at least if (when?) I ever have it again it will be with someone I don't resent...

That's a really good update magpie

Thanks caramel, still have a few wobbly moments but keep reminding myself how much happier I am and how settled kids seem already

Onwards and upwards as SGB said

My ex moved out in March and it was so difficult at the time. I know how you feel about him happily taking the kids out - my ex never wanted to do anything as a family and now he is taking the children to all those places he refused to go! The irony! Occasionally I have felt that if he came back we could work it out, was he really that bad, etc. But the other day I came across a letter I wrote to him a year ago (which I never gave him) and it reminded me how bad things were. I am much happier now. You are right about a lighter atmosphere in the house. Enjoy doing your own thing. Time will help.

That's great news Magpie. Glad things are coming together for you and great news that the kids seem settled. Best of luck for the future..... C