I have nc for this as its deeply personal but I am an eight year poster.
Basically I have finally reached a point where I don't want anything to do with my family. Any of them. Barr my brother who already got out. And this is why.
I am angry. I am bitter. I am hurt. My family brings nothing positive to my life.
My father got custody when I was a baby. My mother left. He got custody because she was very neglectful and left us on a mattress locked in a room or in a caravan. They had a violent relationship. My dad then got together with another woman whom I was brought up believing was my mother.
There were five of us and we were pretty much outdoors at all times, step mum was very OCD and didn't really show love but we were taken care of.
At the age of seven a cousin started to abuse me. He was much older, basically attempted with most of the female children until he got to the youngest and weakest, me. He made me feel special, always wanting my company and giving me attention which I craved. Then once I was reeled in, started doing things he shouldn't. He told me not to tell anyone as they would never believe me, and my bond with my parents was such that I did believe they wouldnt believe me. It went on for three years.
During this time my brother began to get difficult. My step mum and him detested each other. He got more out of control as he got older, going into rages which my father would literally try and beat him out of it. As an adult my brother is now known to be ASD. I was exceptionally close to my brother and would get desperately upset when my father was hurting him and would try to protect him by jumping on my fathers back or screaming and shouting at him. My brother and I were less than ten at the time. My attempts would lead for me to be dragged up the stairs by my hair and pushed into my room. My brother steadily got worse, would climb on the roof of the house and threaten to throw himself off. I would be sent to calm him down because he loved me and would listen. He would run away from school because he struggled with the work and I would be sent to get him back. He had a horrific childhood.
At the age of ten, I finally told my parents about the abuse. I wrote a letter and left it for them to find. They didn't believe me initially. Asked me where I had read what I wrote. Demanded to know why I hadn't told them. Then it was all brushed under the carpet. Nothing was done.
At the age of thirteen my mother came back into my life which turned my world upside down. I hadn't known she existed. My step mum wasn't my real mum etc etc. basically everything I had known was a lie. For a while I thought the sun shown out of her arse but I soon learned. She was a drinker, bitter over the loss of her kids and did various things over the next few years, from telling me she wouldn't be that upset if I was to die compared to my brother, to accusing me of sleeping with her boyfriend and physical fights.
At the age of seventeen I was having a drink with my brother one night and I asked him why he never told anyone what my cousin was doing to me. He turned around and told me he didn't want to believe it was happening to me too. My poor brother had also been abused, but not by the same person as me. By my stepmums son. A year later my stepmums son committed suicide.
I moved away after that and those four years with any family was bliss. I moved down with my lovely brother and met my now stbxh. Had children. Eventually I decided to move back home, I wanted my kids to have a family.
I did move home and my parents for the most had little to do with me. Saw them now and again. Then I discovered that my step mum and step sister had been talking badly of me. My house wasnt clean enough, I was too hard on the kids, critisised my stbxh. Lots of things. There was a big falling out and I haven't spoken to my step sister since. She has always been jealous of me as I became the baby of step mum as such, when she was ten. She has admitted jealousy.
At 23 my step mum asked me one day if the abuse I suffered had really happened.
I became close to my step brother and his wife a few years back. Particularly with his wife. She is my best friend. Yet this morning I have found that she is going on holiday. With my abuser and his wife. I am utterly distraught.
This would be a bloody marathon thread if I was to list every way my family has hurt and let me down for all of my life. I went to counselling recently and its changing my view of everything. My mother sided with stbxh when we split due to dv. Was in cahoots with him to stop me from moving away. Kept a journal of my marriage. Counselling is helping me see how toxic my family is and I have just reached a point where I want out. I want to be free from the low self esteem I have. The inability to trust. The not knowing how to function when things are just...normal. I feel damaged.
Having had my own kids, I just don't understand any of it. I have no respect for my parents. My mum neglected us. Abandoned us. My dad beat his ASD son rather than find out what was wrong. I have an ASD daughter. My family brushed my abuse under the carpet. My brothers abuse.
I am such an angry person inside. A messed up person and I want to be better. But when I think about cutting everyone off, what about my own children? Should they miss out because of me? I want to move away from them all and never look back. Can I do that?
Sorry it's so very very long. I just needed to get it all out. I won't leave this up too long because I will have very easily outed myself.