Help- relationship suffering after arrival of DD1

[k4mi]

Hi,

I have been with my OH for nearly 3 yrs. After 1.5yrs we got pregnant. There was much debate over whether or not it was the right time for a baby, whether we were ready (we have always been a bit up and down) but I was adamant I wanted the baby. He let me down at that time as for some time I thought he would never come around to the idea. He did and is a wonderful father. He was fantastic during pregnancy and the birth and I honestly couldn't have asked for more.

We have been a good team over most of the last 18 months. Pre baby I felt we had some issues, he has some depressive tendencies and I had some jealousy issues. There was also an in balance in our sexual appetite (mine was more) but since DD1 this has been much better, think it bought us closer and I guess our desires levelled out and I have felt more secure so less jealous.

BUT over the last month or two things seem to have taken a big back step. I don't know what's going on but we seem to be irritating each other all the time. I take as much responsibility for this as him as I don't think either of us are doing it intentionally but we just don't seem to have any fun together any more. Our relationship with our daughter is great, she is wonderful but I feel I have lost myself in that I hardly have a life any more. I am envious of his (work and social) and I feel resentful towards him I think. He however (I think) resents me, not for us having a baby but for me 'restricting' his life somewhat. He i also very depressed in his job (so he says even though it sounds OK to me) but we are stuck for now as we need to pay the rent. The other thing is I made it clear a while ago I wanted to get married and he's still not asked me. We have discussed it a lot and he keeps saying 'don't worry we will' but I guess I've lost faith and perhaps am giving up on him in a way. We are 'trying' to make it work and get things back to a happy place for obvious reasons but I don't know how many more nights of arguing/irritability and trying to ignore it I can take.

I guess I'm just looking for support really. Is this common post baby? I keep wondering why we ever got together..and thinking about all the negative things and really I suppose want to be reminded of the positive ones. Ultimately he is a good bloke and I know I could do a lot worse but is that enough?!

I don't have children myself (and am also currently single) but from what I know from other people and from what I've read, your situation sounds pretty typical. I read somewhere that having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage/relationship. It changes everything immediately and is usually pretty traumatic by nature (even in the most healthy of marriages and where the baby is very much wanted and loved). You will both be tired and a little overwhelmed and shell shocked, so it's natural to both be irritable (whether in general or with each other).

A baby has so many needs you are bound to lose yourself a bit and I think part of this is coming to accept that while things will never go back to how they were, you will adapt and hopefully find a new equilibrium if you are both committed. You have a new reality now but you will learn to manage it better as you get more used to your baby and meeting her needs.

If you're with someone who is good and decent and is doing his best just as you are, I'd hang on in there, although I would also be frustrated about the wedding thing. Babies change the financial landscape though so perhaps your DH is concerned about the financial implications of a wedding?

It may be common for a baby to put a relationship under strain but, sadly, your relationship wasn't particularly strong beforehand. Your baby has been less 'hand grenade' and more 'sticking plaster'. You seem to have put your difficulties on hold for a while but now I think you're just reverting to normal and realising that nothing's changed apart from there being an extra person in the mix. Having a baby together should be such a huge commitment that a reluctance to get married can only mean he doesn't see himself being around long-term. You don't sound too convinced yourself.

If you both want this to work it's time to talk honestly and openly, with a counsellor if you can't do it solo. But if you both have doubts it's best to cut your losses.