Dealing with husbands depression - yet again :(

[fledtoscotland]

Lived with it for fifteen years and it's wearing me down his constant moods and refusal to get on with life. He's stormed out with DS2 saying he won't leave me as he won't leave me with kids (massive back story relating to my depression/anxiety and toxic childhood)

Right now I just want him to leave me and boys. God knows how I'd manage financially or with childcare but the idea of a council flat and just me and boys is v appealing at present

Please tell me it will pass and it will all be ok

It won't 'all be OK' unless you actively intervene. I'd go for the council flat with you and the boys quite honestly. You may be one of those couples that got together initially because you recognised similar character traits in each other but end up magnifying each other's neuroses. Live apart & you may find that everyone's a lot happier.

When you say refusal to get on with life, what do you mean? Is he seeking treatment?

Council flats readily available in your area are they?

Is it constant or is he suffering in waves of depression?

He says treatment doesn't work. Takes meds but refused CBT. Had hospital admission for depression last year but nothing's changed. I love him so much but I've got my own problems to deal with. When things are good they are great but every so often his moods take a nose dive and I'm left to pick up the pieces.

Sod off blackberry - I'm talking hypothetically not asking for criticism about the state of the nations social housing

Waves of depression but consultant says not bipolar

"I love him so much but I've got my own problems to deal with."

A marriage is an equal partnership where everyone helps each other out from time to time. If one member is taking everything out and giving nothing back - and especially when they start refusing treatment etc - then it's not equal. If it's making you feel unwell, no matter how much you love someone, self-preservation has to be your priority.

Why not book an appointment with a solicitor and make a few other inquiries so that you can understand the practical implications of a split?

Is there a trigger which sets it off? Had he had past 'trauma' that he needs to deal with?

So sorry you are dealing with this - it must be so draining for you, and probably gets you down too. How old are the kids? How do you cope? Do you have support?

He says treatment doesn't work - but he hasn't tried them all. I had a colleague who came to him saying 'you won't work, you are therapoist number 17!'. She eventually found thetherapy/therapist who did.

Thanks cognito. Might do that but I really don't want to split up. I've spend most of my adult life dealing with the fallout from my childhood and swore I wouldn't pass my "issues" onto my children. At the moment the marriage isn't equal - I'm the breadwinner as well as running the house. I know he's ill but it's little consolation

Frontpaw- boys are 3 and 4

And have no family support at all due to age /illness and my family being toxic and 600 miles away

It's tough OP, i empathise. The only thing that snapped my DH out of it and got him to admit that he needed help, and accept help, was me threatening to leave him. It was the most emotionally draining time of my life. I supported and loved as much as i could until i just decided i couldn't carry on, despite how much i loved him. He knew i was serious about leaving. I packed and spent a few days away. He got help. He's still a moody sod, but he hasn't suffered with depression for a number of years now. We both know the signs and act accordingly.

Good post matana.
Am for ever surprised at how quickly others say leave him. Bloody hell, when someone is not well is it really the best option to dump them, take the kids and leave them comiserate on their own? How is that supposed to help? Is that really the example you want to show your kids? Daddy's not well so we're abandoning him because I can't cope...
Hard times are bound to happen routinely in a couple's life, leaving when it gets tough is not the best solution in my opinion.
Talk to him. If you can, spend a few hours just the two of you and explain how you feel, what you dread, how you've reached the end of your teether and what he could do to help.