Dealing with porn addiction?

[Dorfdeb]

My dh has finally admitted he has a problem - not with internet porn but chat lines, both sex and the general chat ones.

He said he started around 10yrs ago out of curiousity and then he started to use them when he was in a sexless relationship with his ex wife.

He used to work away a lot when we first met and a few times I found top ups on his phone of £40 a night when he wasn't at home.

I confronted him and he apologised and said it was habit from being with his ex wife and he was clearly embarrassed and ashamed and promised to stop.

I didn't think much of it until the beginning of this year when I found a recording of a call on his phone - having to hear him talking all kinds of filth was so upsetting I could barely stand.

Things were bad for a while but I managed to get through it.

So when his payslip arrived this month and there was an expenses deduction for over hundred pound I knew exactly what it was. He'd used his work phone and his boss had ticked him off.

I finally thre w him out, he'd wasted money we don't have and his job for a phone call.

He's finally admitted he has a problem - not in terms of volume as I control our finances tightly and there's no withdrawals that shouldn't be there and all his phone bills are the minimum amount. He has now realised that to be addicted you don't have to do it regularly or every time he works away - the fact he did it knowing what was on the line was indicator enough of a problem.

He's been staying away from the house and just seeing the kids after work - he's booked an appt to see a specialist counsellor in 2 weeks and has finally opened up about how this has spiralled and isn't a issue when he's at home, just when he works away. He started the habit and even though he will stop for months, he always ends up doing it again.

I know in comparison to other ladies on here, It's fairly mild in terms of cost and frequency but I hate it because he's cheated in my eyes.

We have 2 young kids so I want to give this a shot but can it work? Will we ever be able to go back to a good place and me be able to trust him when he works away and not police his phone etc?

You might be able to eventually but it's for him to earn that trust rather than for you to make any adjustments at all. A bad habit of 10 years' standing is not going to be resolved overnight.

I'm definitely not making any adjustments - I'm too stubborn and he needs to sort this out. I have enough to do without arranging counselling. I've told him he needs to do more overtime to pay for it as I am livid at he's spent money we could have really used.

And is he changing jobs so that he doesn't have to work away.... if that's when the temptation is strongest? That's the kind of commitment I'd be expecting.

He's always looking for jobs where he doesn't have to stay overnight but due to the nature of what he does that will rarely be possible - we've looked for a new job for him for a couple of years and despite a couple of interviews nothing came of them.

He does stay away infrequently now though, whereas it was Monday to Friday before so that has been helpful

The red flag for me is him blaming his addiction on his ex wife.

And first looking at it out of 'curiosity' (they all say that).

He's not owning it or facing up to it or taking responsibility.

When my h finally admitte dhe was doing similar he said it was all about 'power and control'

Proud - he doesn't blame it on her as such, I think he thought it was a means to an end when they weren't having sex. That wasn't the case in our relationship so he hasn't that excuse.

Five - I'll have to ask him about that, its not something he's mentioned so not sure. He said sometimes he just goes on.the chat ones to speak to people, sometimes it ends in dirty talking but he seemed to use those ones a lot when his marriage ended. He's not one to confide in friends about anything so he seemed to like discussing stuff with strangers instead.

Did you and your H get through it?

What I meant is blaming it on anything else other than what it is...his addiction/his problem/his responsiblity.

Doesn't matter if he's blaming his ex wife or the government. He's not owning it.

Oh he's on chat/sex/dating sites? I hate to say but I bet there is a whole lot more you don't know yet. I'm sorry.

You can't trust him to tell you the truth, so if I were you I'd look for proof/evidence. But of course you have to decide if you want to know.

He's not using online sites, he's not really in to the internet tbh. He gets numbers from the back of the paper or calls Babestation etc.

I've looked for every piece of evidence I can - from trawling through his phone bills and looking at all his data useage. I've even been able to check all his Google searches by logging in to my gmail account on his phone and all he does is search for football scores or boring work things.

I've run credit searches and only accounts he has are the ones I know about. I've even gone to the lengths of noting the number of texts sent and received on his work phone to check things tally up. I never reset the counter as that's easy to work around - they are in the hundreds so hard to fiddle the numbers.

What else can I look for? I'm almost 100% its nor internet related - he didn't have it at home with his ex wife and never uses the laptop or computer at home. It's all old school phoning dirty sex lines by the looks of it, I haven't found anything to the contrary over the months (years) I've been searching and believe me, anything that can be found, I tend to find it eventually.

It's like picking a scab, I need to know everything.

He didn't stop even though you must have gone through hell listening to that recording. I really feel for you having to go through that.

If your reactions then weren't enough to prick his conscience, what's going to make him change now? You don't deserve to be in a relationship where you are constantly worrying about this.

Good luck.

Dorf the internet is just a medium. Mine preferred t and it was free. And easier to hide.

You could look up my original thread in January.

We have stayed together but I will never ever stay with him if I discover this again.

He lied to me for 5 and a half years and unlike you I knew of no form in previous relationships.

I kept finding photos and he gave me a heap of old bollocks about accidental downloads with music, which I believed. By the time I admitted to myself that of course he must be lying, he had been staying up till 3am many nights a week, never having sex, etc etc etc, and taking little responsibility for relationships and family.

By then, I wasnt just upset, I was raving mad, because the family had practically collapsed and there were three dependant children (10-15 then) involved, not to mention my 25 year old who had also seen evidence and been blamed for placing evidence on his pc to cause trouble 'as she likes a drama' and my 32 year old son who had been blamed for previous porn stacks and similar.

He was effectively in conversations with hundreds of women at a rate of up to 3 a week, and I suspect online relationships too, but he denies them.

I suggest that the only way you will work through this is to look up or read up or get support on managing your boundaries (suggest MCCloud and thompson book, even tho it has a few christian references, its still brilliant and cheaper than counselling), and also look up Carnes on sex addiction and exploitative relationships.

Your only choice I think is to lay down the law on what u will tolerate in the marriage and mean it. Not on what he must do, but on what you are prepared to live with.

You may want to judge him on his actiosn- such as what he is prepared to DO to support himself in stopping and to get to the root of his problem- and not using you and your support to do so, since you are not his mother and he is not a child (bet he will resist this!).

That may mean facing hard choices if he wont stop. But eventually I discovered that spying on him didnt help- although it certainly was necessary at the start, just to confirm the evidence I needed to convince myself I wasnt mad, as he was such a manipulative liar at the time.

On hols away fro a week from today, but hope this helps.

Thank you for your replies.

We had a frank conversation last night - he admitted to things he's previously denied and is talking more freely about it. I had plenty of questions about the logistics of how it worked and for once, he explained how it all works. Wasn't good to hear but it did help in a way as it's not something I have any experience with - I'd be able to related far better to drink or drugs I think.

I have laid down the law and told him that HE has to fix this and HE has to sort himself out. He has already arranged the counselling and said he feels better for finally admitting he has a problem and he is keen to get it under way and has called to see whether there are any earlier appointments. He's also going to arrange to do more overtime so the financial side of counselling doesn't impact us either.

I think he's finally reached rock bottom, he needed to in order to realise the extent of his problem. I've been honest in saying I don't know if we will make it through but I'm willing to try and see whether he can earn my trust back.

I've always said that if he had a problem and was honest we had something to work with - the lies are the hurtful part.

He knows that one more slip up and that's it, no more. I will throw him out without a second thought and he knows I don't fear being a single parent, having been one before and I've been clear in the past that I only stay in relationships because I want to and never because of the children.

I will look up those books you have suggest Five. If/when he sorts himself out, I think I will need to work on myself a bit to try and undo the problems I've developed as a result.

Hi op,

So sorry ot hear you are going through this. You have some really supportive emotional advice here.

Just some practical advice - my dh just told me that there are apps for mobiles that you can add to block premium numbers - in and out calls.

Do you want more info?

That would be brilliant although he's got content restriction via Vodafone so he can't dial premium numbers or access 18+ sites through the net.

Would it work for his workphone though? It's pretty basic?

I have just separated from my husband for this very crime. I posted about it under a different user name, and had brilliant advice.

It wasn't solely the porn but the seediness of the whole thing. It is week one of being a lone parent, and it's all good so far. I'm well rid tbh.

blue slipper what happened? Sorry to hear this

It's a good thing. Reading back the thread last night was interesting. My username was wisteriashoe. Can't link as on phone. Posted beginning of August. Mumsnet wisdom at its best.

I read your thread, thanks for sharing. The last post was about relate - did you go? What happened to end your marriage?

No we didn't. In the end it just wasn't worth it. I don't find him attractive any more. It was like pulling at a thread on a cashmere jumper. It looked great from the outside, but once it started to all unravel, there wasn't anything worth saving. The DCs are young enough to take it in their stride. We always parented very separately because of work commitments anyway.

It is rather sad, but I do feel a huge sense of relief. Reading it back made me realise how everything was about him and his needs. I'm so pleased I don't have to be responsible for him any longer. I think the porn was just the catalyst TBH. I feel I deserve better. By this I mean I'd rather be alone than with him and his big babyish needs.

Thanks for sharing

Things are ok at the moment, he's being more open about it than ever but I am not giving him too much to work with in terms of what will happen in the long term.

I think he knows it's the last chance he has, I have never shown him I was serious previously so I sincerely hope me kicking him out was the shock to the system he so desperately needed.

Hi there OP

I'm reading your thread with interest - because my exH had a porn addiction that I knew nothing about until a knock at our door one day from the police and he was arrested for accessing & distributing indecent images of children. It started off with 'normal' porn, progressed to chatrooms and cyber sex and from what I can ascertain (because I still don't know the full story!) descended from that into more and more hardcore/disgusting stuff.

Needless to say our marriage is over and I'm now on my own with 2 DCs & rapidly approaching 40...I believe porn is a nasty 'habit' for some men and they just can't help themselves, especially if they have a trusting loving wife. I decided not to go back to him because I couldn't possibly live with the stress of ''will he do it again?' and mistrusting everything that he said. It would've destroyed me too.

Good luck and I hope you are able to work through this for a happier outcome than I got. xxx

Mrs Worrier I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your H, I imagine that was absolutely devastating to go through.

The one good thing that came out of having to listen to the recording is that I can verify that it is very 'normal' in terms of content - he's not very imaginative, or so it seems and has been like this for some time.

As I've said before, it's not high volume but the fact remains, he has risked a lot to do it when he has cracked, which indictes a problem in my eyes.