Friend in an abusive relationship, wwyd?

[BelinaTheChicken]

One of my friends is in an abusive relationship, but she doesn't even seem to realise it, or is unwilling to admit it to herself

DH and I have been friends with her and her DP for about 5 years, used to go out in a group pre DC. They have a DS, who they had after a really long struggle with miscarriages and a still birth . My friend has had a really hard time, but has coped amazingly, don't know how she does it!

There have always been markers that I've noticed through general chat. For instance, her house is soooo tidy, like show home tidy, but her DP calls her a slob, and says she is lazy. He works and she doesn't, so he expects her to do everything, including all the child care, which she does, but he still nit picks at everything (like a bit of fluff on the carpet, or their DS's toys being out when he gets home from work). She says that he will buy things for the house and DS, but she has to pretty much present a case as to why it is needed. He kicks off if she takes change from the change pot to get the bus with their DS, which she has to do as she doesn't drive. They split all bills and rent 50:50, even though he earns a decent wage and she gets hardly any money in benefits (different benefit system to UK), and can't work because he won't do any childcare and she has no one else to have their DS.

All this has been going on for a long time, but when I was at her house with my DC the other day, she told me that, although her has never hit her, he threatens to, and sometimes puts his hands up to her throat

I really don't know what to do. I've made it clear that I am shocked and appaled with his behaviour, but she seems to be putting up with it, possibly because she is worriedabout coping on her own (financially, not physically as she does everything for DS anyway). They live in rented accomodation, and there is no way she could cope with rent, but not sure if her benefits would increase to cover it (really don't understand the system here). Any ideas how I can help her? I hate seeing how used to it she is, like it's the normal way for a couple to work. Sorry this is long

I think the only thing you can do is she supportive and perhaps also find out what benefits she would be eligible for if she was to leave. Of course he would also have to provide financial support for her child. Maybe if she sees she will be able to manage it will make it easier for her to stand up to him and take some action.

What you really have to find out is why she's staying because it's often not as straightforward as finance. People who have been systematically abused fequently cope mentally by rationalising their situation, for example. She may think she's to blame for his behaviour or doesn't want to split the family up. She may be suffering from 'Stockholm Syndrome'. It's clear from the pencil sketch you've given that he is crushing her spirit on a daily basis, so her self-esteem will be very low and that will also make it very difficult for her to act independently. She may simply fear for her life if she dares to leave.

So find the real reason why she stays and then maybe it'll be easier to help.

cansu I might look into the benefits thing, I have another single mum friend who is in private rental and pretty sure the benefits cover it. I really don't understand our system, it's all lumped together under 'income support', rather than having it seperated into DLA, family allowance etc, so even though my other friend will know how much she gets a week, she may not know the breakdown. I'm pretty sure she would be able to get benefits to cover the rent, and stay in the flat they are in now.

Cogito you are totally right with the systematic abuse, she has had a number of terrible relationships, never physically abusive, but often financially abusive and controlling, which might be why she doesn't class it as abuse. She also had a really bad relationship with her mother, where she was made to feel very worthless. She once showed me the only photo of her as a baby that she has left, and it is sellotaped down the middle where her mother had ripped it up . I think she is so desperate for her DS to have the family that she wished she had that she is ignoring the situation. She still sees a counsellor after her DD was stillborn at 33 weeks, so I might encourage her to bring some of it up with her?

I'm seeing her this afternoon, so might try to gently push her in the right direction. It's so hard though, I don't want to go too far in case she freaks and cuts ties with me

You mention she has a bad relationship with her Mother!? [[light bulb}}

Perhaps she feels comfortable (on one level) being guided coerced persuaded Does she constantly look for her mother's approval even though they want different things and are different people and it'll never really happen. But, that uncomfortable awareness that you're CONSTANTLY A DISAPPOINTMENT is unfortunately familiar to her as well.

I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. After I left I was single for five years as I was so terrified of getting in to another shit situation.

I am only now learning to IDentify a liine between what I want to do and what my mother wants me to do. I am only now learning to deal with her vocal disapproval of some of my choices. Before I would have argued my case, argued my reasoning to try and make her understand. ONly now I realise that if she doesn't understand she doesn't understand and so be it, i am an adult now and I can deal with that. I can. I can. I can. :-/

You sound like a great friend. I lost touch with a lot of friends during the seven years and the ones I didn't lose touch with were the ones who weren't trying to 'fix' my life. They saw me and enjoyed my company and they saw the situiation Quite CLEARLY but had the intelligence to realise that it was incredibly complex and that they weren't going to be able to rescue me by telling me why the relationship was doomed.

"She still sees a counsellor after her DD was stillborn at 33 weeks, so I might encourage her to bring some of it up with her?"

That might be best. If your friend is so insecure and has such low self-esteem she may easily think that this man is all she deserves. It's also very difficult for someone in your friend's situation to understand just how wrong the behaviour is because they have no other term of reference. They think their partner is normal because they've never experienced love.

Olympia Thanks for your reply. I definitely think she feels like a disappointment, and I know it is very important to her to be seen as a good mum, some of this could be because she is trying to prove herself to her mum? I don't know. You're right about trying not to 'fix' her life though, I'm really wary of being seen as meddling. Even saying you deserve better would seem like I'm slagging off her DP (which I am, he is a knob). Perhaps 'you deserve to be treated better' would be gentler?

Saw her today, and talked briefly about her counselling, she has just been referred for another run of sessions, as he hasn't dealt properly with her grief over her DD, and also her gran (who was very close to her). Going to wait till she has dealt with some of this first, before making any comments, hopefully dealing with some of her grief will help restore her confidence a bit.

Thanks for the replies

Can you ask her if she can see the difference between appearing to be happy and actually being happy? sounds so obvious but realising that i ahd prioritised the former was a kind of turning point for me. I'm not saying i left the moment i had that self-awareness but it was the lead up to my leaving.

Well, I say 'can you ask her' but I know that that is a hard thing to drop into a conversation, but maybe you can think of some scenario that illustrates the lunacy of prioritising appearing to be happy/conservative over actually BEING happy.

Been where your friend is. Look online and talk to dv helpline. She would get benefits to help her . He is controlling. She doesn't want to leave him. Threatening to hurt her is a sign it's escalating. What is she not telling u. I told my friends v little ad I covered for him. Can u pop into police station n ask to speak to Dv police officer and express your concerns for yr friend? They could flag her address for quick response, document your concerns and also give u number for local (dv) domestic violence support worker who could make contact to offer her support. She needs your help and support and a safety plan.

I had enough friends start to say stuff, still took me 4 years to escape though. 'he want that bad, if he breaks my arm/leg I'll leave' but it got near there. Said v little only bits n pieces to close friends who were shocked to find out more once I did get free and could talk about it (6 months -2 years +) afterwards I could breathe again. give her options, find her support, then keep telling her u r there for her xxxx

Sorry bout typos on my post- mobile phone small keypad. But think u can work out what I meant!

I'm sorry OP but reason I say go to police to express your concerns - without her permission & u don't need to tell her a is because he is putting his hands to her throat. You NEED to tell police this. It is huge high risk market for potential fatal attack- threatening to strangle her. Seriously don't mess around. If she's like most women in DV relationship there is stuff she is not telling you.

High risk marker not market (blooming phone spell checker). Please do it in next few days. Ring local police, say u need to talk to Dv police public protection officer as u have real concerns. Start with that point. Her background doesn't matter, the ins n out don't matter, her safety does.

As everyone else has said, find out as much on her behalf as you can, tell her you are there for her and that she should be treated better. Leaving takes much more strength than staying but once you're out you realise what terrible strain you'd been under. I've been out of my 3yr abusive relationship nearly a year now and I'm so physically tired still from all the emotional strain it's unbelievable but at the same time I feel so good going to bed at night with the kids toys still scattered over the living room floor knowing there's no-one to call me useless in the morning. :-)
Also, regarding the violence: I used to tell everyone my H hadn't hit me...he had. Even if he hasn't hit her, putting his hands to her throat is enough to be called common assault.
It wasn't until I went onto the Women's Aid forums that I realised how I was being treated actually was abuse. Even then it took me 18months and 4 attempts to really leave. I wish I'd recognised the signs before the violence and known that nobody would say I was a failure for not putting up with it any more.

I can't like a post on here like you can fb. But andie's last post is brilliant. Please listen to her and to me.
There is a time to let ur friend make her own mistakes and a time to step in to say look here is help, it's not ok. You r not ok. I love u but I am scared for u. I am ur friend and I won't tell him or ur other friends but this person is contacting u. Lend her ur mobile, get her to ur house to talk to fb worker (they r used to being discrete and working w women before they leave someone, perhaps for years..) whatever it takes.

Done it again - DV support worker not fb worker(!!) (usually from specialist housing assoc dv workers, u can't ring them as v anonymous as attached to refuges, but u don't need to go in to get their support- they get grants to work with women in community)

where really? Just skim read your posts, will read properly tonight but have to go back to work now. Thanks for your replies, will read them properly and post later tonight. And yours Andie

Sorry, just realised that 'really' seemed blase, it's not, I'm just really late to get back from lunch break

Back from work and I've read your posts properly now. You're right, I need to go and speak to someone more official, I'm working long days monday and tuesdays, but might be able to use my lunch break to go and speak to someone, or arrange to at least. Now I read back my posts as if I were outside of this, I realise I would be giving the same advice, I guess even I am too close to the situation to see objectively. Also, I think I'm a bit taken in by her DP, as he really doesn't seem the type, as he is quite reserved and self conscious, but I suppose that makes sense that he would exert control over the only area he can

Thanks for all the advice, it's really helpful, I only hope I can be of some help to her