ExH and son's overnighters at OW

[Isabelarcher]

After many previous posts under a variety of names, H finally moved our three weeks ago. It was definitely the right thing to do, and reasonably amicable.
He's moved in with a woman he's known four months but is apparently 'very compatible' with. All very nice and cosy for him.
I work weekends away from home, so H Has agreed to continue as we were when together and be with the kids, in their home while I'm away.
But for three of these nights he has taken youngest DC to stay at OW's house, slept over, takeaways, bbqs.
Each time I have heard about it after the event and I really don't like it.
DS is 11, but I think emotionally younger, and says he likes going over there, he gets on well with her much younger son, etc
I've tried to tell H I'm not comfortable with it, but he basically says 'tough, I'm happy, he's happy. Suck it up.'
Do the 'rules' about introducing new partners to your kids still apply at that age, do I just have to suck hard?

I understand your feelings but I'm afraid you have no say as to what he does with your son whilst he is looking after him. Equally he has no say as to what you do with your son whilst you are looking after him.

There are no 'rules', all relationships are different. I would say that if your son is happy to spend time there, you shouldn't worry about it. Just let it go.

Because even if you get 300 posts telling you that he is wrong, you won't be able to do anything about it, and it would only damage your chances of co parenting together effectively once you are separated.

What I find more worrying is the arrangement that you current have about him coming to stay at your house as when you were together, I would find that far more confusing for the child. Yes, it is working now, but won't be a healthy agreement and would make things more difficult for the children once his new relationship with this person becomes more settled and/or when you find another partner.

Why are you calling her the OW? Do you think he was with her before your H left you?
Tbh, I would think it's a bit too soon for sleepovers, it can be confusing for children. But then again my dsis moved her dp into her home after four months. I was , was worried for my niece and told her so but dsis told me "I'm not making a mistake" and fourteen years later, her dp is now her dh and my niece adores him and appears to have a better relationship with him than with her Dad.
If the boot were on the other foot and you had a new bf, would you think it was fair for your H to tell you he didn't like it?

Assuming you are not divorced as yet, if you so wish you have ground to petition for divorce citing his adultery with the ow.

Thank you. I suspected that would be the answer :(
Athendof, I hear what you are saying, but not sure what the answer is. My job takes me away overnight, or at least into the early hours, Thurs to Sat. This is why I'm here now!
We have three DC's and although the other 2 are old enough to cope by themselves,we'd both rather they didn't have to, nor give up their weekend social life to babysit their brother and OW, I presume will not want all three invading. Nor would I want DS to spend all of every weekend away from his sisters

Very slow typing tonight! Yes, he did meet her before we officially separated, but we had been in separate rooms for months and the marriage was shaky long before that.
Izzy. How would that benefit me? A genuine question

It wouldnt, if he is living with her, and already taking DS, there is nothing you can do tbh. Sorry.

Chip monkey. I can't imagine the situation arising to be honest. It would never I cur to me to introduce my kids to a bf I had only known four months. Let alone consider moving in with them

I think I would be the same as you, Isabel. I was actually very worried for my niece at the time but thankfullly it has all worked out. It might not have.

I disagree with izzyizin. You need to get divorced but most solicitors would recommend citing unreasonable behaviour. There are no advantages to citing adultery. It makes no difference to the financial settlement, childcare arrangements, etc. A petition citing adultery is more likely to be opposed, particularly if the OW is named. That increases legal costs and reduces the amount of money available to be split between you at the end of the process.

For the benefit of your children you need to keep the relationship between you as amicable as possible. The more you can work things out between you the better. If you haven't already seen a solicitor I would suggest you find one who is a member of Resolution (www.resolution.org.uk). They promote a non-confrontational approach.

How old are the older ones Isabel?

Personally, if the new partner is happy to have the younger around so the other ones can keep their independance, this doesn't seem like a bad setting, I would sat quite the opposite.

There is obviously the risk that this new relationship can end suddenly with heartache for all involved, but considering the children are already involved, I would say that it could be more damaging for tge children to get into an argument about this with the dad, than let the things lie and, if the relationship ends, deal with that when that happens.

The important thing here is to be in good terms with the ex, as long as the children are ok, everything will be fine.

They're 16 and 18, Athendof.
I hope we can keep it amicable, I'm just concerned that is going to mean a lot of tongue biting.
It's a thin line between amenable and walkover, and I find it difficult to trust my own judgement on what's me wanting not to make too easy for him - bitter as I am that he gets to walk out straight into the arms of some woman, leaving me, as ever, the dependable, responsible role - rather than protecting the kids - DS in particular

My mum met my stepdad about 6 weeks after leaving my dad; they had their first date 6 weeks after that and we moved in with him a few weeks later. We stayed over a couple of times before moving in. It was fun, we liked him. No big deal.

They're still together 26 years later!

I was 5. My dad waited longer to introduce us to his new partner (also still together now) but we were having weekends all together in the Summer holidays, so about 6 months after the split.

I don't know how much my parents consulted each other about this, but we kids were very happy.

Believe me, i understand deeply how you feel about being left with the responsibility while the other one gets away as if nothing has happened.

However, your ex is still there fir the children and sharing responsibility so, i believe it is a matter of trying to keep a half full glass perspective.

You are not as tied up as you think, your older children can relieve you of a lot of the burden of being in your own. You have space to build up a new life, I won't be surprised if you find yourself happy with another person very soon.

Thanks leggy blonde, and everyone else. I guess I just have to now to the inevitable, it's not easy though

Aww. Athendof, that's a lovely thing to say. Thank you.
But at fast approaching 50, with a weekend job that takes me miles from home, when everyone else is socialising, it feels like the impossible dream.

There are no rules when introducing new partners, your ex can do what he wants.

Is that you living up to your nickname, Panda? :)
I realise there are no rules as such, but I've read on here so many times that kids should not be introduced to a new partner too quickly, suppose I had just hoped for some ammo to argue against it in my case.
But it seems it's not to be, and I have to stand back and maybe count myself lucky that this is the worst I've had to deal with after the end of a 20yr marriage

There's nothing to stop him introducing them too quickly no, although it isn't neccesarily the right thing to do and there are many (me included) who would wait until they are sure the relationship is serious until introducing, but if your ex doesn't want to do this then really it is up to him.

My ex introduced our DS to his new partner and her kids within a couple of weeks of them being together, I personally would wait at least 6 months before introducing a new partner to DS but I wouldn't insist that my ex should follow my rules about dating with a DC.

Take comfort in the fact that they all get along, that's what I do, it could be a lot worse. When I was younger my step brothers and sister hated my mum and my little sister (and vice versa), it was quite a hostile environment at times and I wouldn't want that for my DC.

Hey, there is hope really! It would be much worse if you had young children, zero involvement from the father and were working unsociable hours full time.

Things change, you may end up getting another job, you may meet someone at work, or anywhere else and more often than not, at our age, that someone may have children from a previous relationship and would be able to understand and happily accept the commitmens and constraints of being a separated parent.

You are not in a bad place, even if it looks to you like that. I would turn myself backwards to be in the position you are in. If it helps, even with no involvement whatsoever from the ex, no family around, and extreemely limited babysitting resources, I have managed to meet a lot of interesting people and have 2 long term committed relationships since I split with my ex. Yeah. You would ask"no happily ever after?" I think there will be one at sime point but in the mean tume... I am happy :-)

Seems you have been given good advice - I would never recommend that dc's are introduced so quickly for many, many reasons but sadly there is little that can be done. We often see on MN how frequently this happens and it's often women who introduce the new partners due to the difficulties with childcare.

My step daughter has been in this situation as her mum has remarried many times and the new partner is always introduced straight away. It may appear fine at first (novelty factor) but over time it seems to be challenging as often conflicts with other dc's or different parenting styles seem to kick in.

Hopefully your ds has a good relationship with his dad - it's important that he can talk to his dad (or you) if he starts to feel uncomfortable about any aspect.

I would agree that you should never introduce a new partner before the relationship is serious. But as my parents both showed, sometimes that can happen faster than one might expect!

You might feel your ex isn't that good a judge of his own relationships of course.

Your right of course Athendof, I know the circumstances could be much worse and I'm probably guilty of trying to make problems, where none exist, surely separating after so long should be harder than it has so far been!
I'm happy that you've been able to chisel out a social life for yourself, it gives me hope :)
In fact this thread has made me feel much more positive in general, thank you all.
It's my birthday next week, a great time to draw a line and move on methinks!