How do I get my mate to see more of her son?

[Corygal]

She's lovely, 40, single with a 2.5 year old. Her DS father, an on-off boyfriend, promised commitment (apparently) but skedaddled after the birth and now sees DS once a week with his other child, a daughter aged 9.

My DF went back to work when DS was 3 months, and since then has left him with her mum and stepdad who live on the same estate from 6am to 8pm every weekday. At weekends he sees DF, so she only takes her boy on Sundays.

She's just rung to tell me that her DS is now living with her parents over the summer as her new job makes it 'hard' for her to pick him up at night - the hours are a bit irregular.

Should I say something? Her mates are worried she won't ever 'find the right time' to take him back. We're also wondering what support she should get, if any, to manage living with her son.

would it be better if she actually moved back in with her parents

She doesn't want to - she's just done up her flat.

Sounds like a complicated situation. Could she move in with her parents?

You can't make her... You can only support her... Hope her ds is getting what he needs from his grand parents.

How feasible is grabbing the bull by the horns and asking her why she's,er, delegated child-rearing? I just think something ain't right.

Sounds like she hasn't bonded with him and it's become chicken and egg situation I'm afraid. He probably responds to her parents as his parents which may make her feel rejected and easier to withdraw from having a relationsip with him.

Could it be PND?

How well do you know her parents? Could you speak to them on the quiet and say you're worried about her and what do they think?

Could be PND

How do you get help bonding with your child? Is it too late (please say no!)

Well, I talked to her mum during the Olympics and she is sounding exhausted. The step-dad is knocking 80 and has just recovered from cancer, so the mum has a lot to do.

But she is fiercely protective of my mate and I think this might be turning into The Elephant in the Corner. Apart from anythng else, how do you phrase the question 'Is DF ok - she seems to have changed her mind about being a mother'?

Perhaps you do take the bull by the horns and point out that her parents seem to be struggling and what is she going to do about it, is there anything you can do to help?

No it shouldn't be too late, if her ds as always had loving and nurturing relationships as part of his life he will be ok

Brilliant, thanks. I'm not sure she's hearing the hints about how frail her parents are getting, but we'll tactfully try again.

I suspect that her mum, who is also lovely, has her own reasons for taking on the role of second-time parent.

Yes I think you are probably right Corygal - she is certainly enabling your friend to opt out of being a parent.

If you think her parents are not capable of looking after him as they are frail etc then you could tip off social services. My fear would be long term that this is what will happen, they will get more frail, mum won't step up, etc he will end up being a young carer to his grandparents

Perhaps for some reason (PND?) she feels like a crap mum and thinks her parents do much better job than her?

Or maybe she's selfish?

This makes me really mad. There are so many couples who would love to adopt a child like this. Her poor mum sounds like she can't cope. Your friend sounds selfish.

And no, I don't think she has PND if her reason for not being with her child (and her mum, who she could help) is that her place has been done up.

My friend effectively raised both her grand-daughters while her daughter worked away for weeks at a time in a different part of the country. That went on for about 6 years but they are both back with mum now and the seem to be OK. If the grandmother is willing/able to act as carer and it means your friend can work, maybe this is the best arrangement for everyone and you should leave them to it?

quietlysuggests, while OP's friend seems fine her parents who are bringing up the boy seem to be struggling and I think for that reason it is right for OP to want to do something about it. My in-laws are about the same age as boys grandparents and while MIL seems ok and capable I would NEVER dream of having them to look after my son!

And no, if a man was dumping his son on his elderly parents and showing as little interest as OP's friend does I would be thinking he's a d* big time.

"her parents who are bringing up the boy seem to be struggling "

That's between them to resolve, surely? The OP can express concern, fair enough, but if the family say they are happy with the arrangement, I don't see why she should interfere.

"She" isn't planning to stick her beak in, take it from me - the whole thing is cringeingly tricky to deal with. I'd so rather not, but the family are not remotely happy with the arrangement.

It must be dealt with because the parents are getting too old to cope and Dearest Mate is running the risk of her son not recognising her in the street.

Also the stepdad may well be due another bout of appalling illness soon and I don't know what her plans are if they can't care any longer - I've got this awful feeling she won't take him back even if that happens.

Last but not least, there's the issue of bonding between mother and child. The current arrangement, which has been in place since 10 minutes after she gave birth, hasn't allowed for much. And we are worried than in 2.5 years that hasn't improved.

Oh, and if she were a man, I would be equally taken aback at her lack of parenting involvement in her only child.

Please, quietly, don't post any more aggressive and inaccurate personal remarks.

I was passed around like an unwanted parcel when I was a kid. Its no fun. Poor, poor little boy :( My grandad died when I was 4, then my grandmother had a go at raising me but she hated me. Saw my mum once a week until my grandmother died when I was 14 and my mum had to make an effort then. Strangely we bonded when I was 16 and we had some great times. She died when I was 21. The lack of love and affection and the rejection by my family has caused me huge problems with relationships. Its a terrible thing for a child to have to cope with.

Its not too late for her to bond OP but she has to WANT to. Until she does there is nothing you can do. As Imperial says maybe adoption would be best as with the best will in the world, the grandparents will not be around/capable forever. And what happens if he loses them both? The mother and father should step up and do whats right for this little boy - for their SON for goodness sake. I don't want to sound unsympathetic to your friend, but IMO both she and his father have a short time window to step in and love and raise this child properly in the way he deserves before serious damage is done.

Could the little boy not live with his father full-time?

Thanks skinned, that is great, and tribpot, a fab idea. Trouble is the Dad hs no intention of taking his DS, and sees him once a fortnight at his parents' (anyone spot a theme here).

As it happens, the Dad's mother, Nanny S, has also been baling recently on taking her grandson as she's been ill (and has 23 grandchildren).