exh being much nastier since new woman

[sarahseashell]

Just wondered whether anyone else had the same I guess and finding his behaviour a real struggle at the moment. Been divorced a few years now, he left for OW (mlc type thing, he was very nasty with it) that didn't work out (after a yr and a half or so) then he wanted to come back and thinks IABU for divorcing him I think.
He's had gf's in meantime but now has a serious one who he's introduced to dcs now a couple of times. In past few months he's being extra nasty to me, trying to be deliberately provocative and start rows. I don't take the bait the vast majority of the times although a couple of times in school hols have found it bit harder when he's had dcs with him and he's been VU (not giving prescribed meds to dd for example.)

The worst thing is he seems intent on using dcs as pawns and portraying me in some kind of role I don't want such as desperate to have a fight with him/not let him see dcs etc when this is absolutely not the case. I just want a quiet life with a bit of calm for me and dcs (much easier incidentally now I am single)

I'm having to smile and nod a fair bit when I get reports of the new woman and how nice she is from dcs I guess he's trying to portray me to her as archetypal bitter ex-spouse or whatever and just keeps pushing and pushing for a reaction from me and telling me how horrible/awful etc I am with the most laughably flimsy of reasons.
Sorry for the ramble but any advice/comments appreciated

Do you have to speak to him? Can't you just do doorstep handovers? Or leave the children at a relatives house for him to pick them up

If he is "using" the children to get at you. In the manner of actually harming their welfare and health. By not giving you dd her prescribed meds.

Then stop contact and let him take you to court. Her health isn't his personal game.

He's probably described the break up as your fault. Told how unreasonable and horrible you were, what a living hell it was being with you, etc, and now he needs to show her what a vile person you are and have her think oh, what a poor man to live like that, what a good father to stay for the children...

He's a tit.

Kill him with kindness. Be light and jolly. Friendly and nice.

It'll drive him nuts.

Stopping contact would play into his hands of you being totally unreasonable etc etc

I agree with Hecate kill him with kindness!

Yes it would. But he is being unreasonable by not giving the dd prescribed meds? I wouldn't care what I looked like. I wouldn't send her again.

How often do the dcs have contact with their f and do they have overnight stays?

What is the nature of the 'prescribed meds' - do they fall within the category of life-sustaining or are they of the type where one missed dose won't cause undue harm to your dd?

thanks folks - yes was asthma meds (got some useful advice on lp section about that and he did give them the time after thanks to that, just an example of the type of thing really) Stopping contact would play right into his hands and be detrimental to dcs I think - I wonder if he's angling for this a bit now that new gf is on the scene or just that yes he's portrayed me as horrid ex wife and is desperate for me to take on the role so keeps trying to start arguments for that reason.
I try to avoid speaking to him where possible but don't have any relatives (I think this makes it a bit harder sometimes and wonder if he'd be as horrible if I did have) but have to see him for handovers, twice a week.
I think the being nice/kind idea is the way to go and it will wind him up so I will go down that road also should (hopefully) get easier after school hols

The support on here really helps so thanks

I think it's a bizarre form of attention-seeking. I don't think he has ever accepted that you aren't begging him to come back. So everything, from the serious girlfriend to the nasty comments to the way he treats the children, is designed to provoke a reaction out of you and give him some kind of grim satisfaction that, even if you're annoyed, you're still thinking about him. He's still part of your life.

I don't recommend doing this in the slightest but it would be interesting to test the theory by sending him a text saying how you miss him terribly and wish you'd never split up... £20 says he would drop the new woman like stone.

Sounds like you've completely got a handle on this so no advice but wanted to say you sound like an unusually level-headed, caring, responsible and capable person - the total opposite of how he is trying to portray you!

Enjoy proving him utterly wrong. Would love to see his frustration at you refusing to be the wicked witch!

If his new gf is lovely, I hope it doesn't take too long for her to realise what a pathetic git he is and make her escape.

arseface that's such a kind thing to say, thankyou I'm no saint of course I think it's just different for the one who's been left as you have to go through all that pain and then get to a point where you feel a lot better. My own parents were divorced so I didn't want dcs to go through that and especially don't want them getting caught in the crossfire and he knows that.
Cogito I think that's probably the case as even this year he was suggesting getting back together when he was already with new gf and was texting yesterday saying we hate each other and I said I just feel indifferent now (which I do much of the time but have had to work bloody hard to get there through counselling etc)

(Please tell me he is a competitive person who is successful by conventional standards, likes the good things in life etc.... or this next bit will make me look like an idiot.) I think he's being nasty because he's a sore loser. Be careful, won't you?

yes spot on cogito - but careful in what sense? I don't deliberately antagonise etc and do worry about outbursts but I suppose there's plenty of divorced people who get like this really, like they want to continue the 'argument' for ever more

I really feel for you sarah I have a friend whose husband walked out on her and their 3 DCs and he's exactly the same. These men are so weak they just have to have someone to blame for their own inadequacies.

Indifference is by far the best way, even though I know how difficult it can be at times. My friend is as mild-mannered, level-headed and easy-going a person as you will find, and she's had times when she's been frustrated beyond words at the arrogance and self-importance of his pathetic behaviour. As time has gone by it has got so tedious and predictable she is becoming more immune to it. Although it's still unbearably sad and irritating, of course, recently she told me she's had to bite the side of her mouth a few times to stop herself from laughing in his face.

As others have said, his new gf will probably see through it all fairly soon if she has half a brain, as it won't be possible to hide his awful characteristics from her forever.

Your DCs will also see through it eventually.

In the meantime - and I don't know how old your DCs are - if the new gf is so "nice" perhaps you could encourage your DCs to give her the medication with a polite note from you, stating when it must be given and why it's so important. Encourage them to say that mummy wants her to take charge of the medication to make sure your daughter gets it at the right time!

Because men who are sore losers can be extremely volatile. You say he's got deliberately antagonistic recently for no apparent reason and I just get twitchy when people start acting out of character like that.

thanks ergo and helps to know of others in same boat
it's not massively out of character tbh cogito I realise it sounds like it from thread title, but looking back overall there have been periods of big mood swings etc then periods of calm/pleasant-ish ness I suppose, just that I'd expected things to improve when a new gf on scene. Thanks though, it is always worth treading carefully I agree.