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Original poster

Seeing my dad soon, its been 12 years!

17 replies

RDMLL · 23/08/2012 17:09

Hello,

I am excited and anxious, I am seeing my dad for the first time in 12 years next week. Has anyone else met their dad after a long time have any advise? I'm 30 and have 2yr old twins that haven't met their granddad or great grandma. I keep dreaming about us meeting. any advice would be great. thanks.

OP posts:
nitrox · 23/08/2012 18:57

I don't have any experience of what you will be feeling, but just wanted to say Good Luck and I hope it's all you are dreaming for Smile.

I can go for 2-3 months without calling my dad or him me, and I get a bit nervous before ringing, but it's just like we haven't spoken and always wonder why I was nervous..

moulesvinrouge · 23/08/2012 21:02

Good luck! I have done the same, mine was about 12-13 years too. Mine is a nobber though. Useful to work out what is your best case scenario and your worst, just in case it is not what you expected.

princesskc · 23/08/2012 21:17

I didn't see my dad for nearly 9 years but he is now my go to guy, I tell him everything and we're very close. Wouldn't have believed as a teenager that we would have any sort of relationship and the first few meetings were awkward but would be truly lost without him. Hope all goes well for you. X

Original poster
RDMLL · 23/08/2012 23:14

Thank you so much guys this is exactly what I was looking for! Should I report back how it went, its 2 weeks away now!

OP posts:
AFishCalledRhonda · 24/08/2012 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2012 11:19

RDMLL,

How did you find each other?. Who found who?. Were you told that this man is indeed your Dad?. I ask that as you could end up very emotionally hurt here not just to say feeling rejected by him again.

I would also consider carefully what you want out of such a meeting; after 12 years apart you have both changed and he may ultimately back off from seeing you again. He may well have another family now and may feel or even be pressured by them.

I would actually go into this therefore with little to no expectations whatsoever. Neither of you can rush this and its all going to take a lot of time. You both have a lot of questions to ask each other. It could go well or equally there could be this one meeting and you receive no subsequent contact from him. Unfortunately such a worst case scenario need to be considered by you as well.

You likely have a lot of questions to ask him, as well as your mother. How does she feel about you and he meeting up after all this time?.

Original poster
RDMLL · 24/08/2012 14:40

My dad was around a little when we were small, he was drinking though (an alcoholic) My mum said he was cheating with one of the neighbours when she was in hospital having me, he came in covered in love bites, she took him back again. I saw less of him until I was 7ish and my mum left us with him for 2 years ish again, my mum took us back when my dad was at work and I didn't see him until my mum kicked me out and my dad came to get me 200 mile drive, I stayed for a couple of months and went back to my mum's. He was a bit heavy handed and very strict the opposite to my mother. I have recently had children and I sent a card to his mother (my grandmother) and we started writing back and forth. At my request my grandmother has organised for my family to meet with her and my dad and my uncle. I always thought they didn't want to see us after such a long time but it seems they do. My mum moved a lot when we were kids but I don't think my dad tried to find us?! I felt like he didn't treat my mum well when we were kids and he was violent in front of us to his girlfriend and her dad so I felt like he was not some one I wanted to be around. My whole life I have felt like something was missing and people can change?
I have 2 half brothers and a step dad, he loves my half brothers very much and to have a little of that would be amazing.
My mother would go mad if she knew I was meeting him, she feels he does not deserve to see even me. yikes!!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 24/08/2012 15:08

First of all good luck.
Second of all,like Attilla said,best to go in with fairly low expectations,though not easy I would guess.
I have witnessed and been in a situation where a young man met his mother again after he had not seen her for 15 years[neither person was related to me].The initial meeting went well.Though this situation is different to yours,in the situation I witnessed,over the coming few months,the young man was unable to effectively reconnect emotionally,so only now sees his mum sporadically.[The mother was not at all to blame for the missing years,the situation had arisen through no fault of her own].I think he,and certainly her,are very glad to have met up again though.

Original poster
RDMLL · 28/08/2012 10:15

Thank you! I'm worried my mum will find out and be very upset with me. She has helped us out loads and I don't think she will be happy with me if I see him!!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/08/2012 07:36

That could be a problem.Things like this can cause ripples,or larger.
There is a thread in chat,which may have finished a couple of days ago called "DH has been contacted on FB",where a dad does not really want to get back in contact with his son.
You might find the thread a little helpful in certain ways.I think there might have been some helpful links on it.It might upset you a bit too.
Good luck with seeing him,and with your mum.
Are you thinking to tell her,or will she find out,or might another relative tell her.

Original poster
RDMLL · 30/08/2012 22:01

Thank you, I looked for the thread but can't seem to find it, maybe deleted??
Would you go?
I was not going to tell my mum, it would only upset her, If I stay away from other family she shouldn't find out, she has such a guilt trip for leaving us, she gets upset (angry) easily.
My DP has lost both his parents to cancer so he encourages me to see my dad because I can.
So confused!!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 30/08/2012 22:19

Hope the link works.

yes I would go,but partly because that is my personality.I would need and want to know things,to answer questions that I personally would have.But I understand that not everyone is like me.Some people would be happy not to know.

A lot of things do not stay hidden for ever,so your mum might find out.I dont think I can advise you on that,as no one on MN knows your family setup.

Original poster
RDMLL · 01/09/2012 12:23

Thank you, the link did work, wow, that was long!!

I think I will go, I'm not looking for answers but maybe some love?! I don't care what happened in the past, just to be accepted now would be the best possible outcome. I am prepared for the fact he may not be so keen to start a relationship though.

If things go well with my dad I will tell my mum, I don't want to upset her for nothing.

Thanks again for your advice!!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 01/09/2012 12:29

Good luck.Hope everything goes well for you all.

Original poster
RDMLL · 12/09/2012 11:03

Hello,

I thought I would give an update on my visit.

After a very nervous start I had a great visit with my dad, saw my grandma and uncle and aunty and cousin, they were all really pleased to see me and my children and partner.

We have planned to meet again around Christmas and my siblings are going to come too.

The best outcome I feel (luck me) x

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/09/2012 18:51

Glad it went well RDMLL Smile

You can never tell with these things... but it seems you had nothing to fear.

have you planned to see him again? what about your mum - will you tell her?

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