Do I talk/write to my sister about this?

[MrsDingle]

I've namechanged for this.

My sister and I usually have a close relationship. We live about 10 miles from each other. I am the elder by 2 years. Her eldest DC is almost 8 years older than my eldest and we both have two children.

She went back to work term time only once her youngest started school by which time I was at home with my first. Since then I have looked after her children when they have been ill or when she has had to work (she's a TA and has to attend some inset days). Her H hasn't 'been able' (or didn't want to) to take time off to look after his children and I helped out when I could which was a lot including fetching and carrying them to things if it worked out with my DSs.

I did it because it helped and although I didn't expect much help in return I did hope that when I asked for help in the holidays and they weren't actually away that the help would be reciprocated.

To cut a long story shorter, my DS has an eye condition which has necessitated laser surgery under general anaesthetic. As the last bout was in the holidays (this week) I mistakenly thought that they would be able to help (they aren't going on their formal holiday until the October half term) by having DS2 while DH and I took DS1 to the hospital. However I was told in no uncertain terms that her H had booked off the day for the family to go cycling and that it wasn't possible to change it.

Now, if they had been away or had organised for friends to come over or whatever, then I could have understood, but I have had her H's children (as it were) many times so that he could take holiday when he wanted it and then I get it thrown back at me that all the care I did was worthless (well that's how I feel).

Instead I had to ask my Mother (nearly 70) to do a round trip of 200 miles because of their selfishness. Of course if it had been in term time, my Mother would have been pleased to help, but I wanted to take advantage of more local help this time and to save my Mother some driving if it wasn't necessary.

I don't know what to do. Whether to leave it and just say 'sod it' and not help any more (not in my nature) or to confront her either by email or 'phone.

I have been very hurt by it all and it just keeps going round in my head. However I need to sort it for my Mother's sake as we've got a big party for her next weekend.

Sorry, that was awfully long. Thank you for reading if you got to the bottom!

That seems really selfish of your sister and BIL.

Selfish is BIL all over I think. I just don't know whether to clear the air before the party or just let the whole thing go.

The other problem is that my DH is so cross with them both that he won't talk to them or even talk about them to me atm.

If you are going to talk to her, do it face to face, not on the phone and definitely not by email.
You say " As the last bout was in the holidays (this week) I mistakenly thought that they would be able to help (they aren't going on their formal holiday until the October half term)..." did you actually give them sufficient notice? Or did you just assume?

Also, i wouldn't have asked your mother to come that far - could your husband not have stayed with the youngest while you went to the hospital? You say it was a last bout of treatment, so presumably a reasonably straightforward procedure you had been through before? Was it necessary to both be there? Apologies if that oversteps the mark, it's just that I''ve been through similar with my eldest and Dh and i took turns to bring him in for his treatments.

I would be inclined to leave it be for now, but possibly withdraw your availability a bit. Not completely, but maybe say no every once in a while.
But i really think any conversation needs to be face to face or it could escalate beyond where it should.

I think I would be tempted to be unavailable next time that they ask for help. Do they know that your mum's making the trip to mind ds2?

I think it does depend, to a certain degree, how much notice you gave them. But I would be unhappy at all the one-way favours. Have they helped you at all with your DSes?

Having had a DS who has been in hospital many times, I know how much I need (and DS needs) DH there as well.

Pretty thoughtless of your DS and her DH - I would simply say 'sorry, we have other arrangements' when they next need help. Something important, like going shopping with your friends.

I asked them as soon as I was given the date (about 3 / 4 weeks ago, can't remember now).

DH wanted to come too (this is only the second time DS1 has had to have a GA). However, I have said that if there is a next time (and there may well be) that hopefully it will be in term time and that I will take him in to the hospital (had to be there for 7.30) and DH can then take DS2 to school and the come on from there and we'll arrange after school club if necessary.

They knew Mother would come up but I had just hoped that I could have given her a break. I never ask them for help and am usually pretty self-sufficient.

What corny said

Personally I would raise this with your sister otherwise the whole situation will simply fester.

The alternative suggested i.e. if you start to withdraw your support to her DC's as a result without speaking to her, then you appear to be breaking the pattern without any reason and end up as the "bad guy" when you are far from it and they still have not be challanged about their lack of reciprocation.

I think their behaviour is pretty shoddy to be honest (espcially in light of the support you have shown) and I would call them up on it. I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't say anything to be blunt.

Well i would just say you have other plans next time then so. It sounds very one-sided, so you won't be missing out by withdrawing somewhat.
Best of luck.

I think you sound lovely towards helping your sister out and I wouldn't do jack for them from now on and if they ask why, which they probably won't because they'll know then tell them.

Hope all goes well with ds's op.

I'm not sure saying anything will help. My sister is the same I look after her kids all the time she has never had ds ever. So I stopped being available.
If I say anything she turns it into a big drama about her. I doubt your sister will admit she's in the wrong and find some reason why you are being unreasonable and you'll be even more pissed off with her.

I might say something next time she asks for help. Just tell her no because she didn't help you.

I think you should be unavailable the next time your help is required. It does seem very unfair of them, and it's clear they simply don't want to look after your son. I would have thought it would be a nice thing to take him with them on a day out bike ride.

Trying to remember the last time she helped. Probably in the Easter hols they had the DSs for a sleepover for one night. She did help for two days in the spring half term last year (11) when I was very ill with a trapped nerve in my neck and couldn't move.

I have been gradually 'not available' for a while now because I was feeling I was being treated like a doormat. But as her children are now of an age where they don't need much looking after (youngest is about to go to Secondary), they're not going to be asking my anyway I should think!

It's such a shame though because I miss the children and enjoyed having them all over for meals - but again meals were never reciprocated so I gradually phased that out too.

My philosophy about family is this: if you can't be yourself and speak honestly with family, with whom can you? If you felt hurt and deceived I would definitely talk to her. As someone suggested, face to face might be better, email is dangerous as people can interprete differently than intended and then you waste time trying to explain what you meant and it cna all get lost in translation. But I would try and talk things out before the big get together. Your DH might also appreciate that you take things under control and voice yours / his opinion (because it matters after all).

What an uncomfortable situation. Feel bad for you. How upsetting that your goodwill has not been reciprocated. Of course they should forfeit the cycling day to help you - her h and kids could go anyway and your sis have your dc.

It sounds like her h is the problem here - he sounds selfish and the type to put his foot down and get his way. Maybe she wants to help but is afraid to undermine him. No I am not man bashing, it's just you say that he won't take time off work and it's him who's insisting on this day out.

I guess speak to her. If you do, do try to be calm and come at his reasonably or it will all go Pete Tong. I'd say 'I'm feeling a bit awkward about this but I feel I should say something to you...'

Thank you for all your suggestions by the way.

Maybe she has noticed that you have been phasing out the support and this is her way of Paying you back?

I sounds as if the childcare issue reflects a general lack of reciprocation across the whole relationship.

In my experience people who behave like this either a) genuninely don't appreciate they are being selfish as such a lack of balance has become the norm over time as no-one challenges them b) have a delusional level of self entitlement.

In the case of the former, saying something may help improve the situation in the long term. In the case of the latter nothing will change, but you have at least registered the reasons why you won't be taken advantage of any more.

I am not surprised your DH is cross, your sister and husband have been taking the piss for years and when you really need them, they refuse to help - cycling FFS!!!

Talk to her, don't write her a letter. Tell her upset and disappointed you are.

I would drop everything and anything to help my brother and sister in law if they needed me. You were not unreasonable in assuming she would help you after all the help you have given her.

It's clear that your BIL cba arsed doing this. He obviously sees his holidays as precious and doesn't want to 'waste' them on minding his own kids or other peoples. You sister doesn't want to confront him on it. She obviously panders to him.
My DH is very protective of his time off too (incl weekends). He hates having to use it for things he doesn't want to do, including visiting relatives or minding other people's kids. However he accepts favours are a two way street and extended family relations need to be nurtured. In this situation he would bitch a bit but after a verbal kick in the srse from me he would suck it up and make the most of it. Couldn't they take your DS with them? If he's young they can get those bike seats?
Anyway if your sister is the type to pander I doubt you will make much of a difference but I would speak to her. Just say 'I was hurt that you and BIL couldn't see you way to help us out, especially considering all the help I have given you in the past. I am not going to fall out with you but I wanted you to know how it upset me.'

Oh ok so going by your last post maybe she feels less likely to help as she knows you've withdrawn your help substantially (quite rightly and understandably)

I agree with DixieD's line:

'I was hurt that you and BIL couldn't see you way to help us out, especially considering all the help I have given you in the past. I am not going to fall out with you but I wanted you to know how it upset me.'