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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I have a moan re: Parents in Law :(

26 replies

Slinky · 18/12/2003 22:38

I know this is a minor problem compared to other postings going on today, but I need to get this off my chest as I am on the verge of phoning MIL and hurling abuse

I'll try and keep it brief - MIL and FIL divorced and remarried. Neither are particularly close to DH, in fact both of them at sometime or other have been incredibly cruel and hurtful to him.

FIL, for some reason has stopped phoning altogether now - last few times we've spoken is when we've rung him.

MIL - well she has in the past written spiteful letters to DH, saying things like "she doesn't need us in her life, she has daughter and her children etc etc, that we are stuck-up/snobs etc".

Anyway, last December it was her 60th and SIL had arranged a secret meal out. We drove 3 hours to get there with our children. We spent the whole night being ignored - it was first time she had seen DD2 (who was 3 then!). We haven't spoken since. DH has tried ringing during the year, but she cuts short conversations.

Anyway, both Inlaws have "forgotten" both DDs birthdays and yesterday was DS1 birthday. Again passed without a card/phone call.

Last week, it was MIL birthday. I was so tempted not to send anything, but thought I wouldn't sink to her level. So the kids spent ages making a lovely homemade one - lots of glitter, tissue paper flowers etc and I sent it up.

Not a word back - DD1 thinks she doesn't like it Yesterday, Dh and I receive a Christmas card - just one out of selection box that you send to friends etc - but NO mention of the children - just addressed to me and DH.

I am sooo gutted - it's as though they've both forgotten they have got 3 beautiful grandchildren here.

I am also sooooo angry - and the way I feel at the moment, if I saw her in the street I would smack her one!

Anyway, thanks for "listening".

OP posts:
tamum · 18/12/2003 22:43

God god, I would smack her one for you if I ever met her! Your poor dd1 about the card, that's such a shame. I have absolutely nothing constructive to suggest, I'm afraid, but I really feel for you.

tamum · 18/12/2003 22:44

(that was meant to say good god, I'm not stuttering)

sobernow · 18/12/2003 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dancingdoormat · 18/12/2003 22:48

Slinky I can really sympathise with you here.
Just ignore her and get on with your life with dh and your lovely children.She is not worth your energy in getting angry.
It is her loss and IMO you and your dh have tried to be civil and polite.
Your family sounds lovely and I would just concentrate on them not a spiteful bitch who is not worth pissing on if she was on fire.
Tell her to sling her hook if she bothers again.
Sorry if I seem harsh here, just KNOW what it feels like.

Chinchillyweather · 18/12/2003 22:53

I would say that, if your dh is happy too, to ignore their existence in future. However, if your dh wants some contact still, you are going to have to grit your teeth and put up with it. I would definitely forget all future birthdays though, as they don't seem bothered anyway. If it is mentionned, just say that you thought that was what they wanted, as they do not send any cards. I feel sorry for your children not getting any recognition. However, it would be better for them if you have no contact, rather than sporadic and unhappy contact.

Sorry that you are going through this.

Original poster
Slinky · 18/12/2003 22:59

LOL@tamum - you made me giggle

Sobernow - for your girls - it's so hard to bite your tongue in front of the kids when really you want to say "well, your other grandparents are complete gits, don't waste your time drawing for them!" DD1 asked today why MIL hadn't phoned about their card - tip of my tongue was "because she's a heartless cow"!

Dancingdoormat - thank you for your lovely comments about my children

DH says the same really - I mustn't waste my time worrying about the situation - me and the children are all he wants - awww bless. But still doesn't stop me feeling sorry for him - that he has been lumbered with crap parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Slinky · 18/12/2003 23:03

Chinchillyweather

No, DH has decided he wants to cut contact - the children don't know them really anyway and they have my parents who are both divorced and remarried who completely dote on the 3 of them !

OP posts:
dancingdoormat · 18/12/2003 23:08

Slinky but your dh seems to have accepted the fact he has crap parents.
He sounds really sweet and I think you should listen to him.
If he is willing to put them in the past I think you should too.
Chinchilla had a really good point that rather no contact than sporadic and unhappy contact.

Sometimes we just need to get rid of the crap in our lives and I think these 2 need to be slung out with the rest of the rubbish IYKWIM.

And yes your children do seem lovely to make a special effort in making their nan a card. With the no response I am afraid if I was in your position, I would pull my kids away before they got hurt even more.
Sorry for the rant but just so angry on behalf of you and your kiddies.

lyndsey66 · 18/12/2003 23:41

I think that you have to weigh it up - are you better off with her in your life or without her?
If you keep making the effort - are you going to keep getting rejected?
If so, and she treats your children like this i think that you are better off without her altogether. What you put about DD1 thinking that she didnt like the card they made her made my heart break - dont let her do this to them or to you any longer. Your dh is right - it is you and your children that are important to him, and from what you put about her sending him nasty letters - he is better off without her as well.
I am so sorry - this must be such an awful situation. sending you a big hug ((())))

Jimjambells · 19/12/2003 08:43

Jesus. Forget her and tell her to sod off. Blimey you don't need this and nor does your dh. Unless your dh particularly wants to keep the lines of communication open I wouldn't bother. If he does decide to it may be best to keep the children out of it- let him do the communicating and leave you and the kids out of it- it must be upsetting now to get nothing back from their granny (or if it isn't now it may be in the future). How does your dh get on with his sister?

twiglett · 19/12/2003 09:00

message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 19/12/2003 09:08

Haven't had time to read all the thread, so I might be repeating...

Ummmmm - can't fathom out their behaviour at all.

Is the best way to protect your children from this to cut your losses and stop all contact with your PIL? It might be more damaging to your children to receive regular reminders that they have grandparents that don't appear to care about them, than to gradually 'forget' about this set of grandparents (through total cutting of ties and not mentioning them).

I am not presenting this as a glib and easy solution - and wouldn't advocate doing something that I wouldn't consider myself. But if my parents or my Dh's parents were consistently so unfeeling and snubbing us, I would eventually cease contact.

Followthatstar · 19/12/2003 09:11

Slinky, you have behaved with kindness and dignity. You have done your best. I think it would be quite understandable if you now withdrew gracefully, being prepared to renew the relationship if they should ever need you. This is what we are finding we have to do. It is hurtful, but this often happens. We choose our friends, but we feel we should love and enjoy members of our family, even though we have no way of choosing them. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen.

Thank goodness that your dh is firmly by your side on this, and you also have your lovely parents. Don't waste any more of your emotional energy on these people.

hmb · 19/12/2003 09:24

Slinky, you have my sympathy and understanding. Dh has no real relationship with his father. He doesn't even call him dad. He is the same re the kids birthdays, christmas, he doesn't even remeber his sons birthdays, and quite a bit of the time can't remember the wives names! One your we got a card sent by his company, rather than a personal one! For a while dh cut all lines of communication, on the grounds that he had been disapointed and upset by his father all his life and he didn't want the same to happen to our kids. They are taking now, after a family wedding.

Dhs father has terminal cancer, and dh has made no attempt to visit, not out of spite, but because he doesn't know the guy, let alone love or respect him. He says that his father is 'just someone that I have met a few times' Sad.

The only positive side is that dh is a great father to our kids, and has gone out of his way to the the opposite of his father, and I bet the same is true of your dh. In the end it is your inlaws who are missing out of your super family. Have a wonderful Christmas!

Freddiecat · 19/12/2003 10:48

I am with Twiglett. Don't waste too much time on them but I WOULD write a letter explaining that you would like your children to know their grandparents. However all of you have been hurt by their treatment recently and for your children to have a relationship with their grandparents this has to change.

Make it clear you are still willing to be friends as such - maybe extend an open invitation for them to visit.

I really feel for you as this is such a shame.

Original poster
Slinky · 19/12/2003 11:31

Can I just say a HUGE thank you to ALL of you for your wonderful replies - I'm overwhelmed by them all and have made me feel quite emotional

DH does want to write a letter (including the childrens DOBs ) but I think he'll leave it now until after Christmas.

He is a wonderful husband and a fab. dad - he has had an appalling childhood - but instead of going under, he is a great man who is determined to give our children the childhood he never had.

Anyway, wishing you ALL a wonderful Christmas and a very happy New Year

OP posts:
WiShuaMerryXmas · 19/12/2003 11:49

No advice to add as it has all been fab so far. I think you are doing very well to keep up the momentum for contact, Slinky.

Lots of love and Christmas wishes
WSM
xxx

Original poster
Slinky · 07/04/2004 21:40

Well, I thought I would resurrect this thread to give an update

Still not had any contact from them, - no phone calls over Christmas or New Year, so DH finally got round to putting pen to paper last Tuesday. This was prompted by the sudden death of our friend, and DH feels now that he needs to get things in order and perhaps get some "closure".

He wrote a lovely letter - not critical/no aggression and it made me cry to read it Last paragraph went along the lines of "I'm not sure what has happened to our relationships, but I now feel I have to get some sort of closure on this as it's eating away at me. If I don't hear anything from you, either by phone or letter, then I shall assume you no longer want to maintain contact and you'll hear no more from me".

Sent it off to both his mother and father (divorced) on Tuesday of last week - and to date he's received nothing back

My heart is breaking for him - how on earth can they be so bloody heartless and such bastards to treat their own son in this way??

He's not said much - asks if we've had any post/calls etc - I just want to bloody cry for him.

Utter bastards - my parents in law !

OP posts:
Hulababy · 07/04/2004 21:45

No advice I am afraid but seending you (((hugs))) Slinky.

sobernow · 07/04/2004 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SEXGODDESS · 07/04/2004 22:06

Oohh Slinky I really feel for you.. My inlaws are arseholes but they do love their son (can't bear me mind) which isn't a problem. Big hugs to you both.

aloha · 07/04/2004 22:12

Slinky, does he keep in contact with his sister? What does she make of all this? I think they sound incredibly horrible and cruel. Have you no idea why they behave in this vile way? I am sure it is very, very hard for your dh, but I suspect you will all be better off without these people in your lives. You have a lovely family you have made for yourselves. Your children deserve better than this too. You can smack her one from me too

Original poster
Slinky · 07/04/2004 22:20

Awww, thanks for your replies

Sobernow - my mum is very fond of DH and tends to spoil him anyway I've told her what's been going on with his parents - tonight she came round with the kids Easter Eggs as she's going away tomorrow night for a few days - and a HUGE Creme Egg one for DH - his fave

Aloha - no, he has no relationship with his sister either. She backs up his mum all the time.

OP posts:
Pennypocket · 08/04/2004 09:56

No advice either I'm afraid Slinky but they sound awful and it is their loss. It must be really hard on DH but he is honestly better off with complete closure than having to put up with their cold behaviour. Your Mum sounds like a superstar - could she adopt him!! (and can I borrow her too - love Creme Eggs!)
xxxx

yankiegirl · 08/04/2004 10:03

I don't think there is any advice I could offer, but I feel for your DH - it is horrible that his parents can turn their backs on him. Your mum is a superstar and hopefully they will ease the pain your DH (and you) must be feeling!