DP has just walked out

[SomebodySaveMe]

Bit of background- I had an abortion at the end of June. We haven't discussed it since. I quit smoking in February and stupidly let stress and guilt get the better of me and started smoking again at beginning of July. DP has just found out and has stormed out.
I'm not quite sure what to do. I know I should've told him but I thought I could quit again before he found out.

I haven't been coping well with the termination guilt or the DCs during summer holidays. I'm going back to work for the first time in 3 years and I'm terrified. I'm worried about money as DP is possibly being made redundant and I'm just so fucking sick of everything going tits up.

I don't know what to do. The DCs are going to my mums after lunch but I don't know if or when DP will be home so I can try and explain.

If he leaves because you've started smoking again, with everything you've had going on then he is a twat.
You've had an awful amount of stress to deal with not to mention the hormonal issues that go hand in hand with being pregnant and the termination.
It's probably that he is under stress too, with the termination that you haven't really talked about and work/poss redundancy/money worries.
Give him some space and concentrate on you for a bit.
When he comes back and things have cooled down then you can have a chat about things.
At some point you need to talk about the termination.

I think he's pissed of that I lied about it. I've been making up excuses to go to the shop and things if I've needed a fag but I'm so embarrassed that I failed at quitting.

He needs to give you a break! Bloody hell, it's hard at the best of times but you've been through a lot. Tell him to back off and talk to you instead of making everything worse.

Everyone's been through a lot in this story - not just the OP - and lying about starting smoking again just sounds like the last straw. Walking out is not a mature response but neither was the decision to brush serious issues under the carpet. This kind of situation is when counselling can be useful because it allows you to talk without it immediately turning into a big fight.

How many a day?how many Did you smoke before?

I'd be pissed off too if I was facing redundancy and money was being wasted on cigarettes! What are they? £6-7 for 20?

Why are people having a go about DH? Termination doesn't just effect the woman! I'm sure he's stressing about being made redundant and now you're wasting money on a horrible habit. How would you feel if you faced redundancy and you found out DH was spending £10 a secret online gambling habit. I bet everyone here would say leave the bastard.

Oh I'm sorry. Hopefully he'll calm down and come back so you can talk things through. It's not really about the smoking, it's about the other issues and the secret smoking has just brought things to the boil.

You need to talk honestly and openly and hear/acknowledge each other's pain & stress. Is there any counselling open to you about the abortion? Go back to the GP and say you're struggling with it.

I smoked 20 a day before. Now 5-10.

20 a day?? So that was £40 plus a week! Can see why he would have a problem with that, maybe he thinks you will soon be back doing the 20 a day?

Did he come back op? How are things?

I am also secretly smoking. It's shit. I understand how you feel. I am only smoking 3-4 a day but im making excuses to find reasons to leave the house or send him out so I can have a quick smoke. I have also told myself I will stop when I run out of fags, but 3 weeks down the line I'm scared I won't be able to.

I've got two kids, one at school age and a four month old. I'm finding the summer holidays difficult and I am breastfeeding my four month old and as DH works I do everything else in the house too.

Don't know what advise to give, just wanted to tell you you are not alone!

I don't want DH to know because I quit when I fell pregnant with my baby so I'm ashamed to say I've started again and too scared to tell him I'm failed or I'm finding smoking easier to cope! It's ridiculous. Xx

He came back. We are slowly sorting things out but we haven't really discussed the termination yet.

It's the shame of failing that made me keep it secret! I'd done over 6 months without a cigarette and then ruined it

Babyborn- you do know the nicotine etc will pass through your milk to your baby.

Both of you must also know that there's no such thing as a secret smoker. To none smokers you will reek if the stuff.

I'm glad he came back to talk.

Yes Kitty. Of course I am aware, but on par with this do I stop bf and put my child on formula? I think not. The danger of smoking when breastfeeding is breathing the carbon monoxide on your baby if they sleep in your bed. Research shows less than 0.02% ever actually reaches your breast milk.

I'm to glad he's back now and your trying to sort it!

My husband has no idea I have been smoking again, so I am a secret smoker as nobody knows but you guys.

Are you going to try and stop OP?

As for the termination, that's also got to be difficult. I too had one over 3 years ago and we havnt ever spoken about it. I've only told him I regret it. Which I do.

Give yourself time to heal Xx

SomebodySaveMe... I'm glad he came back; hope you can both work things out and start with working through the termination together. Can I make a recommendation to you for Allan Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Smoking"? It's a fantastic book - and I think it will help you, it did me.

BabyBorn... You might as well come clean, anybody who gets within a foot of you will know that you smoke. Nothing you can do to hide it.

My husband has not smelt it at all. I scrub my hands after and tie all my hair back to not smell of it.

I have decided I don't want to be doing this, so as of now I'm going to stop! Havnt come clean because I really didn't want to be making this last very long at all. Before I knew it I was smoking 3 a day.

I'm going cold turkey now. Ive done it before. The addiction is all in the mind! X

I scrub my hands after and tie all my hair back to not smell of it.

I promise you that wont be enough.

I didn't mean to be so vague I was doing something else at the time. I would usually tie my hair back and wash my hands alot, brush my teeth and use mouth wash. You seem to forget I'm smoking very few, so its obviously been enough for the weeks I've been doing it!

Get an e-cigarette. They genuinely replicate the smoking experience with only nicotine. Try googling Ego-T or Ego-C.
Menthol/mint liquids taste lovely.

Don't get the fake cigarette types - crap!

I feel for you. Quitting smoking is very hard when it has always been an emotional crutch.

BabyBorn... there's really no way you don't smell of smoke unless you shower/wash your hair after each one. The fact that your husband hasn't mentioned it doesn't mean that he hasn't realised. If you're not going to stop, tell him.

Smoking only a few cigarettes a day just means that the smoke smell is more obvious as it's usually not there... I think you're kidding yourself.

I'm an ex-smoker myself, have no problem whatsoever with others smoking, but the smell is unmistakable and very unpleasant to non-smokers who can detect it like a shark can pick out the scent of blood in the water. Just saying...

If he knew he would definitely say something. By the time he gets home I smell as fresh as a daisy. Even my mum came over today and has a nose like a bloodhound and she didn't say anything either! I must be hiding it really well for mum not to smell it!!