Is this odd or is it just me?

[filthycute]

Morning, I wonder if anyone has experienced the same or similar to this, and if yes what does it mean?
I first noticed this quite early on with my now ex partner - he has a couple with whom he is friends, and these people really can do absolutely no wrong in his eyes. This extends to everything they do, everything they have - eg, a certain car - must be good as so and so couple have one, holiday destinations - must be wonderful as x and x go there, its really unnerving. Its all the more odd as Ex is emotionally abusive and nothing I, my family or friends do is worthy of anything other than derision.

I have now noticed he's doing it in relation to his work - If I dare comment on something he defends the employer, anyone who works there to the hilt, it borders on adulation. They are perfect and any suggestion otherwise is met with very aggressive explanation of why they are wonderful and that I am ill, or extremely out of order for even commenting - this in resoinse to a suggestion that he should take some leave to look after our DS whilst I spend some time with my terminally ill dad.

Is it odd, or is this normal?

Thanks folks

Very odd & probabaly why is now your Ex.

Not your problem unless it impacts on his care of your DS.

He's a git for not offering to help whilst your Dad is so ill but probably best not to expect/rely on him for any back up that way it's less stressful & you can keep your dealings with him to the minimum.

Do you have any other family/friends that could help?

Not experienced it myself but have witnessed it in another split couple. He was a master manipulator and it was all about showing his utter contempt for her, then two minutes later being 'nice'. It's designed to keep you hanging on for the nice episodes.

He sounds like an utter shit op. Keep your distance as much as you can.

Yes, OP it's just another tactic.

It's just a continuation of the emotional abuse really, putting other people on a pedestal that you can never attain or understand how wonderful they are, and sneering at you for daring to have a different opinion.

I'd reduce your engagement with him, avoid conversation, keep it minimal and practical if you have to talk (such as about children/finance).

I think it's probably normal. IME bullies/emotional abusers are incredibly insecure people. If they had an ounce of self-esteem or personal integrity they wouldn't need to bring others so low in order to feel superior. It makes sense that they think sucking up to 'important people' is going to somehow rub off on them.

Thanks for the replies. I'd never thought about it as part of the abuse, but it makes sense. I have tried to be friends for our DS but I know I have to completely disengage, the man is impossible, I never feel quite stable around him, I have the impulse to run. Strange but the smell of him really puts me off now??? He's bled me dry borrowing money but I think that I'm going to have to draw a line under it all and hopefully move on, wonder what he'd think if the wonderful people up on his pedestal could see the real him?

You might want to consider doing the Freedom Programme or something like that to help you move on and develop stronger boundaries.

It is touted as the right thing to do to try to be friends for the sake of the dc, but when it's an emotional abuser, it just gives him an entry to carry on his ea. Better to be distant and even handle things through third parties so you don't have to put yourself through it. Your ds needs a happy healthy mother, not a browbeaten one.

It is odd, but from my own observations, I do think there's some kind of link between narcissistic/controlling traits and idolising certain types of people. And to me the problem is a) low empathy and b) thinking appearances are important, and are true indicators of worth.

Family members are therefore treated with condescension, or as if they have an agenda: because their personality is already known, and thought to be inadequate (in the controller's view!) People who are effectively strangers, by contrast, are treated as entirely trustworthy and admirable.

They look good, therefore they are good!

For this reason I do think some people with these traits are highly vulnerable to con artists,.....because they are such poor judges of character, and trust the wrong people. I have seen money lost because of this. :(

....though I'm talking about relative with traits rather than full on abusive ex.

You don't have to understand an abusive ex, just get as far away as you can.....

Sorry for the late post, i put it in my watched items and then forgot!

I had an ex a bit like that. He overly admired certain people, usually older men. He would completely dismiss my opinion on anything but if they suggested the same he would do it in an instant and think it was amazing advice. That happened over and over again!

He would buy cars because they told him to, start certain hobbies because they told him to. He would ignore the fact that the one he admired the most had horrendous morals and had actually had sex with a drunken poopoo when i was only 15. That this guys own life was one disaster after the other.

Ex had huge issues after being given up by his mum age 4 so that she could marry another man who didn't want him. He then had to pretend she wasn't his mother and watch her raise his half sisters without telling them he was their brother

He was raised by an much older male relative who resented him. Perhaps that's where the trying to please older males came from, who knows.

He hasn't been able to maintain relationship for this and many other dysfunctional behaviours. Its very sad.