feeling sad, grief and guilt

[lifeis]

I don't know where to start so i'll just write. Sorry if this isn't the right place for this but it's hard to know..

My Dad, was my abuser but I did love him and i do believe good people do bad things. He died a few years ago and a today I was given some diaries he wrote. I have only read sections so far and it's so very sad. He was an alcoholic, lived alone and was very, very lonely and lost. In more than one entry he wrote about not having any food or cigarettes and that it was very cold.

At that time I lived near by, I dropped down food and coal the odd time but not nearly as much as i could have. It was really hard to see him like that so instead I got on with life and pretended it wasn't happening. He needed someone to help him and i didn't help. I've spoken to some of his family since and got some insight into what life was like for him and his siblings growing up. It was a very large family, his farther was an angry alcoholic, he physically and sexually abused his children and by all accounts it was a terrifying place to live. my farther was shy and was picked on more than the others.

I have so many mixed feelings about all this. mostly i just feel sad and sorry for him and guilty. i wish i helped more. i wish that he didn't have to suffer alone and die alone like that. I know part of his issues was the guilt about what he done to me. I have forgiven him, i forgave him before he died. We never spoke about it. It just all feels so sad. I have only ever told my husband and a councilor (i saw a few years ago) about what happened. I never told my family. But i am worried that there is something about it in the diary and that my aunt and uncle may have read it. You see my uncle came to visit me out of the blue and it felt like he had something to say but didn't, then told me about the diaries and posted them the next day. I wan to know if they know but it's very hard to read the entries. I do not want my family to know.

All these old emotions are bubbling up and i don't feel fully equipped to deal with them so i thought writing it out might help.

Please don't say nasty things about him, i know what he did was wrong but it won't help me right now.

I am so sorry you are feeling this and really feel for you. He was still your father, even though what he did to you was totally wrong and it is completely natural for you to feel sadness and grief because you are a compassionate and normal human being. I know about the turmoil that alcoholism can have on a family unfortunately. You love them and hate them - but deep down you love them and are so frustrated that you can't do anything to help. Do not beat yourself up about not helping. You did all you could at that time in the circumstances. Helping more would not have changed the situation - to be honest, it may have made things worse. Ultimately, his addiction killed him and its a very sad thing.

It's ok to feel like this. I hope time will heal your pain and you get some closure soon.

Sending warm thoughts and wishes lifeis. You need lots of support through this. You have more than one issue going on here and the grief is complicating stuff for you so why not find a counsellor again? You are worth it!

Thanks for your kind words.

I just feel like I should have done more, i could of done more. i thought about it all the time. If a stranger was in that situation i'd of helped them.

I have so many mixed feelings and emotions around all this. I do need to talk it through with someone but it's painful to say it all out load. It very draining and i've only recently got myself strong again after some other issues so I'm not sure if i can face it right now.

hi lifeis, im sorry you were abused. This shouldnt have happened to you but i can see why it did, if your father was abused also. It was learned and repeated behaviour on his part. But to move on from this, I am wondering why your concern is for others and not yourself at this time. The only way to find out is to read the diaries or wait until a family member brings this up with you. You are adding more stress to the situation by worrying about it. If they have read it and there is something within the diaries regarding the abuse then that is a situation you cant control. Given the experiences you have coped with, id say you more than well equipped to deal with this being out in the open. But if it is common knowledge now with your aunt and uncle maybe that means you will have to face up to it a bit more than what you have done and that is your fear.

Wow....you are an amazing person to forgive and this seems like a lot to process.
I think the trouble with abuse is that nobody is a thoroughly awful person, they are often very changeable to the person they are abusing swinging from guilt and being nice to carrying out the abuse. Abusers are often liked by others, have vulnerabilities and maybe have been abused themselves - most are human. All of this makes the emotions very difficult to process, accept, understand. Feeling grief/ guilt, It is normal what you are feeling but that doesnt make it easier, perhaps you could get in touch with a cousellor again to talk it through.

You know, lifeis, guilt is a really common emotion after bereavment. There are always 'if only's'. At the end of the day we are all only human and we do what we think is best at the time.

As mamafoof said you have to be careful not to be an enabler and make matters worse. Without knowing the fine detail it sounds to me like you made the right decisions at the time.

Brenboo I can't face my immediate family fining out. I never want them to know. i decided that when I was a very young child. I new that i could of told someone but choose not to because it would of destroyed them.

I want to face up it it all as it's impacting on my intimate relationship with DH. But i don't want to deal with all the questions and pity from my family and i really don't want them to hate my father. He had some very good qualities that will be forgotten if this comes out.

You don't have to do anything you don't want as you are now back in control. Sometimes people don't tell family as they decide that by telling them it will change their perception of the instigator and the victim. Very understandable.

As you know, if you tell a counsellor it stays there whilst YOU get your head round stuff and YOU decide what can be changed about the circumstances and what can't.

Ok, I hear you so what i would say is that if your aunt and uncle have found something in the diaries regarding the abuse, they will discuss it with you firstly. At that point you can stress that under no circumstances do you want this discussed with anyone else. Im sure their good nature will respond to this. You can explain that you have moved on from this and have dealt with it through counselling and other support and that it while the abuse represented one part of your life, that part is now over. Ask them to respect your wishes on this one as you want to protect the other members of the family and yes that is a tough cross for you to bear alone but it is absolutely your choice.

Lonely - I went to see a councilor while i was living abroad. I think it felt safer telling a foreigner? But I'm in Ireland now do you know what type of counseling my help? i was looking it up and got overwhelmed with the choices.

Brenboo - Your right, If there is anything in the dairy I don't think they'd tell. I'm not sure who else has read it but this is a family that can keep secrets. i don't think i'll read anymore of it until I feel better. It's too hard.

hi lifeis. im in Belfast area and know of Nexus who offer counselling, not sure if they cover all of ireland but i know someone who used them. I think like all funded bodies there will be a waiting list, otherwise a private counsellor will be about 50 quid an hour i think? Sleep well and hope that helps you a bit

Thanks Brenboo I'll look them up. Off to bed now and I feel better having wrote it. That cross i bare can feel very heavy sometimes so it's nice to share the burden.

Sweetie, you have already forgiven. You also moved on.

Don't let a diary coming into the hands of others stop you from continuing your journey.

1-1 counselling is extremely helpful in my experience. Go to your GP and explain (briefly) about the past. It takes a long time to get a referral so in the meantime why don't you keep posting on this thread?

I read one of the books by that spiritualist medium Gordon Smith a few years ago - it is called 'Through My Eyes' - and in it he describes a situation where a woman visited him and he made contact with her deceased father.

You may or may not believe in such things, but it transpired that this man, her father, had abused her as a child. Suffice to say there were lots of anger and hurt but the woman appeared to find a kind of healing. I am not saying that you should seek out a medium but perhaps if you read up on the spiritual you might find some comfort there.

I personally believe that we all come here to learn life lessons. I also believe that many of us are locked in 'family loops' where the sins of one generation, (and I don't mean biblical sins here but rather personality traits), get carried on from one generation to another until someone breaks the cycle of the loop.

So reading about the childhood that your father experienced in his diary, whilst it does not excuse him for what he did, it might help you understand why he did what he did and, in time, to forgive him.

There may well have been a cycle of anger, hurt and abuse going back in your family for generations - passed down from one generation to another. Perhaps you will be that person to break the cycle? Perhaps you are the one who will come to understand what has gone on for so long and why it has gone on? Perhaps you are that special soul who, through forgiving your father, will actually forgive the wrongs and hurt of many generations of your family past?

As a spiritual person I do believe that the actions of the living can actually heal the souls of those who have passed on. Perhaps some of us just come here in order to heal the lives of those in our family who have already gone... if that makes any sense.

You are clearly a kind and loving person - you would not be feeling remorse and guilt if you were not. Such feelings can over-power us with negativity but please try and look on them for the positives that they are - they show that you are a good, kind, loving person.

Yes, you have regrets. But regret is a two way street. Your father would have had regrets also - it sounds as if, perhaps, the diary was a way of him trying to voice his regrets, his way of trying to reach out to you.

If you believe in an after-life you can reach out to him if you wish - you can talk to him. Have a conversation with him as if he was in the room with you. Talk to him about what happened, how you felt then and how you feel now. Let it all come out. Even if you do not believe in an after-life talking to your father might allow you to work through and resolve all the hurt and anger that is no doubt inside of you.

I wish you all the best. If you need to see a Counsellor then there is a lot of good that can come from talking with one - ask your GP about seeing one. Also consider reading books on spiritualism, if that is something you are interested in, or reading some of the books on self healing.

One of the finest books I have ever read, and which helped me enormously when awful things were happening in my life, was a book by the hospice pioneer Elisabeth Kubler Ross called 'Life Lessons: How Our Mortality Can Teach Us About Life and Living'. There are chapters on Love, Loss, Anger, Fear, Guilt, Forgiveness and Happiness. If I had my way everyone would read this book.

You sound a lovely, kind soul and I wish you all the best. I will leave you with a quote from Elisabeth Kubler Ross:

?The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.?

www.ekrfoundation.org/quotes/

sadwidow28 thanks i plan to try and arrange counseling this week.

tawse thank you so very much for your wonderful reply. Appoligies for the dely in replying i just was able to think about all this for the last few days. i do believe in past lives and I am a spiritual person. i also think that we choose our parents and I must have chosen mine for a reason. The diary isn't about my fathers childhood it was written when he and my mother split up and he was living alone. His alcoholism was getting worse, he writes about being lonely and going into a bar just to hear other voices. There seems to have been many times that he had no food and was really hungry. He suffered from depression and wrote about all his days being the same, full of loneliness and regret. I haven't seen any reference to the abuse yet (i can only read a little at a time) but he did write that he thought he deserved his suffering.

I don't think he deserved to be alone like that, he was a good person who done a bad thing. I wrote him a letter when he died telling him i forgave him and put it in his pocket before he was buried. i hope he is at peace now. But i wish i had of told him while he was alive, maybe he would have gotten better. I feel so sad that his life was so lonely and desperate and that he felt that deserved to suffer like that.

I'll read that book you've suggested and thanks for the lovely quote.

lifeis, maybe start with a bereavement counsellor? Your GP should be able to point you in the right direction. That way you don't have to tackle the abuse issue outright. I'm not sure if there is counselling available to medical card holders or if you would have to pay, but again the GP should be able to guide you. I had a quick look on the dept of family and social affairs website, and found the following which may be useful www.hse.ie/eng/services/Find_a_Service/Mental_Health_Services/National_Counselling_Service/

Have a look, it might be another avenue worth exploring. Try browsing some irish-based boards, eg www.boards.ie or www.rollercoaster.ie to find more info on services in Ireland

Sounds like you are having a really tough time. I hope you find the help you need to bring you peace.