Help me get over my MiL issues

[Mamafoof]

I have always had a good relationship with my MIL, that is, until we had kids. I have a 2.9 DD and 11 month old DS. She is a very nice woman. Not manipulative - just very bossy and thinks she knows better (perhaps all MILs think they do due to experience - and maybe they do know alot but don't think anyone can know your child as well as you do - but thats another story...)

For background, I think my issues started when my eldest was born. I had v bad baby blues. Like v bad - felt like I was hit by an emotional/hormonal rollercoaster. My mum stayed for the first two weeks and then she had to go back to work. All of a sudden, my DH announced that my MIL would be coming for a week to stay to help. This was never discussed before and I didn't have any time to protest. I felt so annoyed as felt I needed this time to get on with things and try to do things myself and bond with my baby without feeling self -conscious. Plus I was still a hormonal wreck but felt I had to be polite, felt uncomfortable lounging around in my nightie, make small talk etc (which I didn;t need to worry about with my own mum). She was helpful but certain things did annoy me - even though she had good intentions, I'm sure. But I did resent that time - and DH, in hindsight, realises it was a big mistake.

Anyway, since then, little things just started to annoy me and build up. She is divorced (husband had an affair and walked out on her - it was awful for her) and my DH is her only son so I understand that she needs us and wants to see her grandchildren which is absolutely fine. But she used to completely ignore me when she came to see my DD. Not say hello - just take DD straight from my arms. Only take photos of DD and DH and not me. I felt like I was just a babysitter in her eyes. Plus the constant "advice" used to really grate on me. I had a talk with my DH about this behaviour and he subtly told her that she needs to acknowledge me - and to be fair, she does say hello and has tried to change. I know this is because she wants to see her grandkids rather than anything else but at least she has tried to change.

However, we do see her quite alot. Maybe every other weekend at least. I am not sure I would mind if I saw my parents as much but they live 4 hours away by car and are struggling with massive personal issues (sibling is drug dependent). If I am totally honest, I feel jealous that she gets to see my kids whilst my parents don't as much and are suffering at home. Plus when my parents and her are altogether, she makes it SO obvious that she wants to be favourite grandma and completely hogs the kids. My parents are far too kind and not assertive enough to try and stop this. But I hate seeing them sidelined like this.

So sorry this is a jumbled mess but I guess what I am try to say is: the constant visits, constant advice, complete "hogging" of children (even when my parents aren't there - I am feeling quite sensitive about this as I am returning to work full time soon so am prob a little possessive right now), always coming early in the morning and leaving v late at night - coupled with my own insecurities and anxieties as a mum has really made me absolutely dread her visits. (It doesn't help that she never ever compliments me as a mum - but I suppose that is asking a bit much and is a reflection of my own insecurities.) I get myself worked up so much that by the time she does come round, I find it very difficult to be in a good mood, which is having an effect on my DH and my relationship. I just can't help it - and I know I may being unreasonable but I don't know what to do. I should add that she was a SAHM and never had her inlaws around so not sure she knows what its like to crave time with your kids and not want anyone to undermine your time with them or feel that you have to compete on behalf of your own parents.

If you have read this far, then thanks. Please be gentle with me if I am being silly about this. But this is generally making me quite unhappy and my DH is now getting v v angry with me when I show that I am gutted that we are seeing her again. We are going to be seeing her during 3 out of 4 of the next weekends (after a v unusual 3 weekend break). And we have already had a massive fight about it. I do NOT want to be that woman who stops her DH seeing his mum or my kids having a relationship with their grandmother. I just need to deal with the way I am feeling about this as I think my marriage will suffer if not.

So, AIBU?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's perfectly normal to just want to spend some time as a family together without parents or inlaws. How on earth do you get to do anything together - even just relaxing at the weekend - if she is there so often?

I think it's a shame your MIL seems to have nothing else in her life, but if this kind of set-up isn't what you bargained on, you really are going to have to be assertive about the number of weekends she is with you.

It'll be even worse when you are back at work and weekends become even more precious.

Once a month is more than enough in my view!

Thanks olgaga. Its prob about every other weekend for a day. Or maybe every three weeks but that is rare. If I say that is too much, then I get shouted down. When my parents stay, they stay for a few days at a time because they live far away. So DH says that they get more quality time with kids so I shouldn't complain as he doesn't. He just does not get the awkward dynamic between DILs and MILs. And how it can really affect moods!

Every other weekend? Really? I love my parents and am lucky to have a very good relationship with my FIL/MIL, but I personally would find that level of contact oppressive. We tend to average 6/8 weeks between visits.

The fact she is there so often may well be contibuting to how you feel in the sense that what you could shrug off if you had to deal with less frequently becomes harder when you are faced with it so often.

Having said that I am not sure what the answer is. Reducing contact whilst maintaining goodwill isn't going to be easy. Perhaps you need to start arranging family outings at the weekend and be unavailable and gradually reduce the expecations of contact. Other posters may well have far better advice on this front.

Or rather than he coming to your house and her being there all day, start by offering to take he out with the children for a few hours, picking her up and then dropping her back home so that you are more in control of the time she is with you?

Your 'd'h is being an ass. It's too much and you need to tell him he needs to lay down some new rules. Can you Go to your parents house more and stay sometimes? This needs to be resolved and her behaviour is not on.

If I say that is too much, then I get shouted down.

It seems to me that your main problem is your DH, not your MIL. If he is refusing to take your feelings into account and not supporting you, that is a situation which will not be improved even if you reach some kind of compromise over MIL visits.

Grandparents' visits do not have to be "equal". Any amount of time with a grandchild is "quality time". It's not a battleground, it's your home.

Is he like this about other stuff?

Thanks - I really do appreciate your input on this. Unfortunately we cannot go to my parents place as much anymore due to my sisters problem as it is horrendous to be there. Ironically my parents don't come down often as they don't want to crowd us! Plus they are a little older and frequent trips are a bit much for my dad.

I agree that my dh has never really backed me up on this. But he is v defensive and protective over his mum after what his dad did and feels responsible for her as an only child. And yes there are other areas where e is similarly unreasonable - ie. will not even consider me working 4 days a week as we "need" the money (another story). But he is a good person and other than this, we have a happy family life.

I can be quite moody and unreasonable at times so think e just thinks I am having one of my moods and doesn't take me seriously on this issue. Sorry for typos - clunky thumbs on iPhone.

Mamafoof, every single thing you've said is entirely reasonable, your dh should be listening to you, and in my opinion ( and I had extremely similar mil issues ) have you and your dd as his paramount concern and ensure that his mother values you as she should.

Thanks yellow that is something I try to do. I prefer going to hers as then we can leave when we want. But dcs are v carsick (its a 40min drive) so we try to avoid car journeys if we can. Maybe I can't do anything about this except hope dh understands. He is so mad at me right now though si this is tough.

My mother in law is here daily. She just wants to argue with me. Anything I say however trivial she says 'no no no' or 'oh no you've for that wrong' everything. We had an argument about a clock the other day. It's really stupid and I see where you are coming from when it feels like their behaviour is intentional. With my own mother I tell here there and then she is annoying me or if I don't agree with something. I can't do that with my mil. And my partner does not stand up to his mum. I swear il never be an annoying mother in law!

will not even consider me working 4 days a week Since when were you his chattel??

If he wants to see his mum so often tell him to pop in on his own, that's nice that he's protective of her but why does it have to be a family outing every time? Maybe he could take DD only to see Gma as a treat for them all occasionally leaving you & baby to have some quiet time? Sell it to her that DD "loves it SO much having some time with you & her Dad without baby claiming our attention"

Thanks Buglove! That sounds tough - well done you for coping!! I think some men are clueless about how mils, even the nice ones, are best in small doses. Thanks bossy britches. That is a solution and she would prob like that as she gets frustrated she can't interact with ds as much as I am still bfing him - but I want time with my dd too! She is v overbearing with dd. I am ultra sensitive at mo as ds is settling in at child care which has really affected me. Thanks for your suggestions. I need to sort my jealousy out too.

Maybe Mil is so lonely but that's not your problem. I Would just talk to her. Been there and know how you feel. Good luck

I do get a sense that maybe your mil is bearing the brunt of a lot of things that aren't her fault. Coming to stay after the birth was a mistake on your husband's part and one I don't really feel it's fair to blame her for. It also isn't your fault that your parents can't be there more but it does feel from your op that a lot of the resentment stems from this.

I think there has to be an acceptance that grandparents who live away will have a different, but equally as good, relationship with their dgc. They get more quality time less often. It sounds like your problem at the moment is that really difficult circumstances are preventing your parents from having this time and you are finding this hard.

I don't feel that fortnightly visits are excessive to be honest. When children are so little grandparents tend to worry that they will be forgotten between visits. I do think the length of visit is excessive and intrusive but I think others have suggested strategies to use to address this, visiting her, day trips out etc. When your parents do visit limit the time they are with mil as this clearly stresses you out and adds to the resentment.

I'm not having a go at you at all. I think it sounds like you recognise some of these issues and really want to resolve them. Your husband needs to recognise he needs to support you to make some changes as if you don't your feelings of resentment will only grow.

I've tried to explain this to both sets of grandparents. I've pointed out that we need weekends to ourselves to go on days out, tidy up, cut the grass, decorate the nursery, relax etc. If we see each set of grandparents fortnightly and maybe catch up with friends once a m

Onth! We only have once a month to fit all that in.
It makes weekends pressure rather than enjoyable. I think they forget that when you work both housework and time with your kids become hard to fit in. My mum stayed at home with us kids for 12 years (till youngest at school), mil only ever had part time jobs in the evenings (cleaning and in shops), so neither have experienced our lifestyle.

Poss solutions
Explain to mil that it is stressful for you to fit everything in and have time with your kids.
Sit down with DH and plan things YOU want to do at the weekend eg we need to go to ikea/ Costco/ cut hedge/ finally hang pictures. Claim your time even if it is for mundane things (there must be lots of things that need doing if you're like us!)
Meet up at NT type places- it's harder to hog kids who run around.
Visit her at her house e.g. on Sunday pm. Sunday lunch can take the whole day so aim to go at 2.30-3.00 maybe for lunch?
Visit her before you go on to somewhere, eg pop in for an hour on the way somewhere else.

Thanks Jomato. You are v close to the truth there. My parents' situation is incredibly difficult to cope with and it is having an effect on the way I approach the mil issue. I do wish they could have more time with the kids. My parents (and even my wider extended family - gran, aunts, uncles and cousins) ALWAYS invite mil to family occasions, lunches and dinners so I feel she is just always around. Clearly I can't do anything about this so it doesn't help. I do agree that the time she spends here is just too much. I end up in a bad mood by the evening as an in disbelief she is still here and then absolutely beam when she announces she is leaving - it's v hard to control!

Cashmere - thanks for good suggestions. I think I will have to compromise and say we can visit her this weekend for the morning. I am fine (I think) with short and sweet. Quality time doing absolutely nothing is so precious. Dh just says that if we are doing nothing then we may as well see her!

Thanks again for all your suggestions which I will try. There is no way out but to make this work!

I am a granny and MIL
I agree, that through circumstances, she might be blamed for things that are not her fault. you say that there is an inevitable MIL/DIL antagonism, whereas there need not be, it is not inevitable.
How about inviting her to stay for longer, then you go out for the day or go and see your parents overnight? minimising your contact with her, maximising her visit to the grandchildren and your husband and you get a bit of a break, you sound as if you need it, just to get a bit of headspace.

i get exactly what you mean about the visits. at the moment its twice a week for me. i hate it.always feel like i have to find something to do so we appear busy. i know exactly what you mean when you say you feel the 'pressure'. dont know if you feel the same but i hate the expectation that you will always be available for visits. its never 'can we arrange something over the next couple of weeks' its always ' were coming over on this day at this time and were off on x day so will be expecting to see you then'
hate it. hate it

I feel for you. I used to see my mil for the afternoon/evening once every 3 weeks, and my parents for lunch the same day. Mil's depressed state sometimes got a bit much, and occasionally we stretched to 4 weeks, but it used to make her fret. It's tough, isn't it when il's have different expectations of how much time you'll spend together?

I think you need to give it careful thought about how much time she can spend in you home before you go back to work, or you could end up feeling as you did when she landed on you after the birth. I think it would be well-worth pointing this out to your dh, as you could end up feeling under siege.

One thing is, it's about what your dh feels she's owed/needs. Well, I think he needs to consider what you need, want, too.

Another thought. Can you interest her in U3A - university of third age, aimed at retired people. Maybe she just hasn't go enough to do and is over-investing in your life as she hasn't enough in her own.

Living your ie her life through other people is no solution, it's codependence (in my opinion, anyway).

Can you be blunt with your DH and TELL him that at the moment you need a break from the all day visits and that short and sweet would be much better and you hope it will be a temporary thing.

Sit and do the maths working 4 versus 5 days - looking at net pay and childcare costs - how much extra to you earn for working that 1 day as it will ALL be taxed income etc. Point out that your weekends won't have room in them to see as much of MIL if you don't get anytime on your own with your dcs!!!

I agree with Jomato and BossyBritches - get DH to visit her with elder child, and put a stop to these really long days by going to visit her, or going out somewhere together.

If she is to come to your house, get DH to say to her that you all have something on in the morning, and that you will see her about lunchtime. Then go out for dinner at teatime, so there is a natural conclusion after that to the day.

I like 7 to 25's suggestion of using MIL's visits as an opportunity for you to do something for yourself. To be quite honest, she probably wouldn't mind if you went out.

I am a bit concerned though about how you are going to cope with this once you go back to work. If you are working FT, when are you going to have quality time with DC (i.e. just you and DH) as well as doing all the chores, and entertaining MIL? When do you get to chill out? (Not a WOHM / SAHM debate btw, just an observation).

You sound quite anxious about going back to work 5 days a week, and this is only going to add to your resentment. TBH it doesn't sound like your DH is very good about listening to your concerns. Would you have the opportunity to work 4 days a week if you wanted to?

If you think your situation is bad though, spare a thought for my sis. Her MIL has gone on every holiday with them for about the last 15 years. Even on their once in a lifetime blow out holiday - there was MIL with them.

I think you need to ue you going back to work as a way to get your weekends back. can you say to her that from the moment you go back to work you will be wanting to do things on the weekend with just you, DH and DC?

Hey Mamafoof, how are you? Have you made any progress?