Relationship breakup with a baby - practical advice/experience/sticking to guns/making a decision please.

[britmodgirl]

Ok Hi, would appreciate any advice.

I am living with an overgrown teenager, he is 32. I have been with him 10 years. I love him but think I have outgrown him. We have a 6 month old ds.

He is a placid but sulky guy, I take most of financial responsibility he pays me a token £150 per month as is at college, this has dipped below the originally agreed £300 prior to going to college. He rarely takes shifts at his part time work (2 in the past 3 weeks).

We had decided to move house which means that I would extend my mortgage to better where we lived. My parents have swept into my house to max. its value/quick sell. P has acted like stroppy teenager throughout over not getting a lie in/getting paint on clothes despite being warned. He was rude to my mum today which I found upsetting.

He is emotionally draining, constantly complaining of being tired/ill/put upon. This is starting to grate as I am often up 3x per night and had a bout of PND.

We havent had sex or any hugs since baby arrived.

He is ok with baby but has to be pushed to do practical things, does not volunteer.

Heres the thing, I know he will be devastated if we split up and I think we definately have some codependency stuff going on. I depend on him just because I worry about being by self. He relies on me for financial etc. I'm sure that the breakup could be acrimonious. I feel that I lack the energy to see it through. I also feel ashamed of my relationship failing for my baby.

Please spare me the 'why did you breed with him' 'leave the bastard' we are where we are and I need to consider my next move.

I could do with some solid life experience/practical advice to come to a decision ( yes I know it does look plainly obvious what I should do but in real life it isnt as easy to act) and practical steps towards a harmonious future.

Is there any way you can talk to him about it in an adult non-confrontational way? Is there any chance you could get some relationship counselling from Relate? With a 6 month old, sleepless nights and PND, you both have a lot on your plate right now. Can you get away for a night e.g. with grandparents as babysitters to have some time together to talk?

Bumping for you. There are lots of people out there who've been through similar and can give the practical advice better than I can.

You sound utterly fed up and out of love with this whining manchild, so I'm not even sure counselling would work for you? Do you think there's any hope of him growing up a bit?

Or to put it another way, have you ever had the conversation about how his moaning gets on your nerves/how he doesn't pull his weight financially/how you have co-dependency issues together?

Agree with bigtrousers is this not worth salvaging? It's telling that you said you still love him. Surely that has to be worth something.

MMmmm I think we are beyond counselling, I am a therapist myself (dont laugh :) ) so try to do the adult talk thing to manage problems - it makes me feel x when you do y etc. I have also done the shouty boot up the bum, we have also done cold sulky resentment - I am getting tired.

My mum said that he is like a millstone and will never change (however he had just been rude to her).

I just had a thought today that I am moving to a new house and this could be my opportunity to end things if I felt that it was the end.

The problem is no one can make that decision for you and it is very hard to make a final one, stick to it and see it through.

Also no one is all bad and I just tend to see good in people which means that I end up putting up with crap - I want my baby to grow up without his crap.

Sounds like you might have already made your decision. How about getting away for a night/weekend solo or just you and baby to have some space to think if it is the right one?

I think you know you've had enough of this man, it certainly sounds like it from what you've said here. Frankly, being rude to your mum when all your parents are doing is helping you both out would finish it for me.

He sounds immature and deeply resentful. Unless you can see some glittering career ahead of him which will help put a rocket up his arse, you must know that this is a situation which will only get worse as he gets older. He'll rely on you more and more, and become increasingly resentful of your independence.

You're not married, so in those circumstances I'd definitely tell him he's no longer part of your plans when and if you move and he should start making arrangements to find somewhere else to live.

You might have to fork out some money to get shot of him so that he can get a bedsit/student accommodation, and put on hold your plans to move for a while. It'll be worth it in the long run.

Have you checked your income against the child tax credit calculator?
taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

There are only two choices really. Stay or go.

Staying is the relatively easy option, of course. You've managed everything for 10 years and I'm sure you're resourceful enough to manage his laziness and immaturity (because that's not going to change) for another 30. You would still have a partner, your baby would have a live-in Dad and, from time to time, things would be better rather than worse and you could sweep your concerns under the carpet as you continue to see the best in him.

Leaving - or rather, getting him to leave - is more of an effort. You'd be single, which is always daunting but not necessarily as difficult as it looks on paper. There's a great deal to be said for emotional and financial independence. You'd feel guilty for a time because you seem to see yourself as responsible for this man's happiness - whereas, in reality, he's as responsible for himself as anyone else. But you'd probably find any problems with depression would magically disapper... after all, how much of PND is biological and how much environmental? Your baby would grow up with a happier mother & still know their Dad, he just wouldn't live in the same house. Lots of kids are quite happy with that.