Being outlawed by the inlaws (LONG)

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

I have been happily married for three years and have always got on tremendously well with my in-laws although I have always seen them as pretty bitchy and overdramatic. About two months ago I found out I was six weeks pregnant and they came down to stay with us for a week. One day FIL had an absolute go at me for putting my son on the naughty step....really roaring at me. I roared back, apologised within minutes, gave him a hug etc and tried to carry on as normal. Except he went storming off around our house slamming doors and shouting.

ONe of the reasons I was so upset was that the last time I was pregnant I LOST the baby at that same stage so did not deal well being squared up to like a bloke.

After sitting around my shack with a face like a slapped arse for the rest of the visit, he apologised to me on leaving and then sent some vicious text to my husband about being treated with contempt......my husband set him straight but very diplomatically. Very backstabby.

Now my BIL and SIL are suddenly being passive aggressive and I know fine well they have been sitting around slagging me off (OH GOD THIS IS SO JUVENILE) and I have to go to their christening in a month. I really dont want to go. I will be given the cold shoulder. My husband will notice nothing as he only registers overt behaviour (typical man). I will be six months pregnant. To boycott it would make things worse.

I should really be direct with them ALL but just feel like a entire family is against me right now and I can do without it, wot with my enormous bump and craving for haribos and demanding job and toddler who wont sleep and ..and....and......HELP.

PS His parents were funny with me ever since i casually and diplomatically picked up on a couple of outright lies they had told me a couple of months ago. And, y´know, they arrived for visit with presents for my husband and son and gave them while I was in the wazzer...kind of ignorant and childish (and foolish given that I tend to wait on them hand and foot and am the ony reason my DH keeps in regular contact)..you know how it is.
Wish I couold change my name back right now :(

Can you just try to rise above it when you see them by just smiling and being polite but try to restrict the amount of time you spend with them?

Id try to rise above it too...lifes too short. Did DH not have anything to say about his Dad squaring up to you though?!

Great handle...where my DS got name from off to see DB in Oct!!

If you're the reason keeping your dh in touch, stop being the reason. Step away, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Spend more time with your family.

The last thing you need at the moment is stress if you're 6 mths pregnant.
It sounds like confronting them would only make things worse, especially if your FIL can be so verbally aggressive.Boycotting the Christening would escalate the situation too, which could ultimately make things worse for you.
I agree with thinkfast, if you go, stay calm and not rise to their behaviour you can show you are the better person. Make sure DH knows how you feel and stays with you on the day to support you.
In the future if you are the main instigator of regular contact maybe you should withdraw a little, see less of them without creating an actual rift and concentrate on your own lovely little family.
Good luck!

In my family there would be a post mortem then we would move on. We get things aired and resolved. They are very restrained and its hard to ever know where you stand. it goes against everything in me to smile like an idiot at people who have been so incredibly nasty and spiteful and ignorant and rude.

And yes, Im angry with my husband for being such a spineless prick.
And I always instigate the saturday morning phonecall because they live at the other end of the country yet my family is very close by.
And I know I should be the bigger person but, hell, sometimes it gets exhausting.

Your fil had a go at you for disciplining your son in your own house?!

Outrageous.

I would stop being the bridge that means DH is in touch with his family and if they manage to arrange a get together then he can do all the cooking and entertaining.

Your DH needs to let him know in no uncertain terms that he was a cunt for speaking to you as he did.

What a nightmare, and I couldn't agree more with hermionweasley with being outraged for you disciplining your own son, especiallly in your own house.

My experience with my il's is slightly different from yours in that when I first met them my husband told me they were odd. I ofcourse, being the new girlfriend, did my best to be gushing and lovely and bubbly. Until a couple of years and a few incidents past and I realised he was completely right and they are in fact really, really odd. So, now when I see them I am decidedly flat and standoff-ish because I have learned the hard way that if you give them an inch they will take a mile. And I want it to be really obvious that we are all having a rubbish time. Anyway, what I am leading up to is your Saturday morning phone call thing. Stop making it happen, honestly, maybe it is fair that they realise it is a bit ugly. And so what if they think it is your fault? I am more than happy to be the bad guy in our scenario and I figure, you are carrying their grandchild so the ball is in your court. Also, if that discipline thing ever happens again, I would wait, take a BIG deep breath, look your fil right in the eye and say 'thank you for telling me but that choice DOES NOT belong to you.' Because it absolutely doesn't. And, good luck with the Christening, go, keep your head held high and know that you have done the grown up thing.

Yes, I didnt bother to remind him to call home. So he didnt for over two weeks. When he remembered to phone them, daddy was in bed with a major depression and mummy was looking all forlorn on the sofa. And thats how it will be from now on! They are SUUUUCH divas. As Im pregnant that should be MY job, no?

If I was in your situation I would disengage from them completely. I wouldn't go to the Christening or any other family events and if they said anything I would tell them I have no intention of going where I'm going to be treated like shit and they could bitch all they want but I won't smile sweetly while they do it behind my back and want nothing more to do with them. also adding that if they weren't such nasty, two faced cunts that they would have friends to turn up and not have to rely on people they hate to make up the numbers - saddos

You're under no obligation to indulge their horrible behaviour toward you. Fuck them. The most important thing right now is keeping a healthy stress free body so you can protect and nurture that little baby inside you.

They can't cause shit with you if you're not in their life. Stay away from them and don't let them in your space. They can see the grandkids when your dp brings them to them, they should not be welcomed to bully you in your own home.

The most powerful weapon against people like this is pure indifference to them, they rely on your concern for your relationship with them to keep you fearful of the consequences of not indulging them and accepting of their bullying. Don't play their game. With no relationship, no concern, there is no power.

Hi Fergus,

What bobbledunk stated earlier. You play their game otherwise if you participate, you have to detach.

re your comment:-
"Yes, I didnt bother to remind him to call home. So he didnt for over two weeks. When he remembered to phone them, daddy was in bed with a major depression and mummy was looking all forlorn on the sofa".

Typical toxic parent type behaviour this. All designed to regain power and control. This is what this is all about. You need to read up more on such types, they have also done the divide and conquer thang on your BIL and SIL. Again typical of such people. They will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. It will give you more info as to how and why such dysfunctional families operate as they do. Also such toxic inlaws often show their true colours when the grandchildren come along. Your relationship with them before children was not great really but you did not see them very often so it was manageable. BTW you did not make them this way, their own birth families did that. Your DH has had a lifetime of conditioning at the hands of such people and can thus find it very difficult to break away. Its not an excuse though, his primary loyalty is or should be to his own family now, not his parents.

I can see why you have acted as you have (because you are both kind and reasonable) but please stop as of now being the reason your DH contacts these people. You have come from a family unit that is reasonable and emotionally healthy, your DHs family are the complete opposite to this.

I agree about backing off. They are bullies so stand up to them and show through your actions you won't be treated like
That! It is outrageous that he spoke to you like that over disciplining your son. Stop making the effort and leave them to their dramatics.

I actually think he IS depressed and he seemed depressed when he arrived. I think knowing he has been an asshole to a previously adored daughter-in-law has flatterned him. Good. He literally cannot face me (we skype)

Also, my family has very complicated dynamics and while we are not shouty, we dont take much shit off eachother which means that outsiders get perturbed when things get slightly feisty. My husbands family are so so polite but they are really nasty. My husbands godmother is a lovely woman but cops a disturbing amount of flack behind her back and has no idea. And thats just cos she has more money than them.

Utimately the problem with inlaws is that, what are we? Not chosen as friends, not family, but that means that you should be treated slightly more detached than you would your own family. Its all so forced. I have their name and their son and that´s where it ends. Thats why its such a minefield.

Ok he may be depressed but equally too he may be a toxic arse of an inlaw without any forms of depression. He is still responsible for his own actions here and he has behaved abysmally in your own home. Small wonder you've pulled him up on it finally and now he has resorted to skypeing. Stop communicating with him in such a manner, you must disengage and show these people that there are consequences for their actions. Playing along with them keeps you in their game.

I meant we always skype rather than phone and these days he is hiding from the camera - not seen him since he left my house. Have decided if there is any shit at the christening that I will take them aside and av ay word cos taht´s how it goes. have told my husband if i am given the cold shoulder they will never see me again.

I couldn't agree more with all the advice you have been getting about ignoring your IL's. I have promised myself that I absolutely WILL NOT fall out with my IL'S, purely because I know that they would thrive on it. Say nothing. And honestly I wouldn't put yourself through the taking aside thing. You have spent enough time on them, honestly trying your hardest to say nothing and therefore they wont have any fuel for their fire.

Thankyou everyone, feel so much better. They had a total meltdown yesterday because we didnt call them right after our scan - 2 hours after the appointment they were howling doen the phone that they had thought "the bayby was dead" which was very bad form since we lost one last year. ten missed calls ffs!!

So now we realise they are just going down that old folk senile paranoia route and we dont really care!!

and my hsband admits they are, in general, being knobs (as he charmingly put it)

I think it must be the same with ALL in-laws.

My MIL is a nightmare, and my DH can't see bitchyness - typical. She actually tells my DD things (DD is 10MO) that she doesn't agree with! Fuming!

I caught her one night slagging me off to my DD about how "mummy shouldn't be weaning you this early, no wonder you have a bad tummy" FYI, there's nothing wrong with my daughter's tummy and she was 10kg at 8MO (time to wean!)

I have to sort of bite my tongue. If she ever gets in my face though (which she has) I wil stand my ground. All due respect I'm a grown woman and a mother myself!