Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just want to be me again. FIRST LOVES. GONE

2 replies

queenrosie · 13/03/2006 02:21

i first fell in love with my ex when i was 8yrs old. i would pass him on my way home from school and feel like a fool because i would go red and cross the road because i thought he would never look at me!!at 15 i finally got to kiss him when i did it felt like i couldent breath because of the feelings i had built up over the yrs.Now i will make our story short!! i was with mark for 21yrs we have 3 kids and he is a perfect dad. we married after 12yrs and it seemed ok at the time. my 21yrs was spent being a mother at 18yrs then 21yrs then 25, and ive loved it. BUT mark controled me by saying what i could wear where i could go or who to talk to i feared his temper and he often physicaly and even more mental abbused me to a point where i would let him do or say things to me just to make him happy and my fear of his anger at the time go quicker.i was abused as a child and i trusted him when i told him but when he was mad he would play on it never saying a word but knowing i felt dead inside. It wasnt all bad because he also showed me love and affection that i dnt think i can feel from a man again. i loved him wanted and truley wanted to grow old with him but i new i had to go because i was mentaly knocked as low as i could go i felt i wanted to die to get away from the uselless person i had become and i did try it without any feelings for my kids and im so ashamed of it now! mark is still mentaly in control of my mind even though i left him 1yr ago he knows he scares me,but i met a man 3 months ago who made me feel like i could breath and be me again, he has all the feelings on life and feelings as i do and i feel so happy and i love him in a way i never had with mark hes lovely. but why do i close my eyes when he holds me and think of my ex or hear a love song that reminds me of mark and hold my new loves hand in affection but still think and hurt because i no ive lost my true love....

OP posts:
nightowl · 13/03/2006 02:41

all i can say is that a man who mentally or otherwise abuses you is not a true love. because love means mutual respect, apart from anything else. true love is not control, which your ex obviously had. a partnership should be just that. its very easy however, to put someone on a pedestal when they arent around anymore...doesnt mean its the real picture.

even when you dont love a person anymore, a song or situation can still remind you of them, that is normal. you need to really take a look at your life and see where you are happier, how things have changed etc. its not bad to have memories..i have good ones of times which eventually turned out to be rubbish..memories can be great, but thats all they are, you just have to see them as that and move on. no-one can tell you if your current partner is "the one" but from what you say he treats you well and makes you happy.

yummimummy · 13/03/2006 03:59

Hi,
I recommend the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
It's a bit pop-psychology but is a good read and can help you to understand your feelings as well as the hold your ex has had over you.
Your self esteem and confidence are at a low ebb and this will take time to improve.
Your probably don't feel that you deserve your new guy who sounds lovely.
Understanding how you came to be in an emotionally abusive relationship also can help you to move on.
Can you see your GP to arrange some counselling for the past abuse oyu suffered?
I agree with Nightowl about memories being a bit deceptive and that they don't necessarily represent the true situation at the time.
You've got to keep on reminding yourself that you WERE NOT HAPPY.
And that you do deserve to be happy now.
Am I right in saying that you are someone who believes in having "one true love" in your life?
I don't believe that at all, I've had a few loves - all different with plusses and minusses.
My DH is a lovely guy who is supportive, kind, patient and sensitive. But, I've had my moments with the type of relationship you're describing with your ex and know what you mean.We all deserve someone who loves and truly respects us.
3 months is still early days when you are at such a low ebb and considering you were with your ex for so long.
Go with it and good luck ( sorry about the rant!)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page