Am I...just cold? Friendship issue.

[AmIjustcold]

Namechange.

I have a close friend, she would say 'best friend', who I have known since school so 20 years. We are both 38 and both have three children and we still live close to each other, as do most of our friends.

The problem is she wants way more from the relationship than I do. I don't like her dh, I also find she takes over conversations and often has views I don't agree with - nothing offensive - and topics of conversation I find dull. She is a gossip and for many years I have not told her anything I don't mind her telling the world. That said she can be very funny, she is very kind and gregarious and a great person in many ways.

I just sort of feel tired of her. She was needy at school and I felt she 'made me' her best friend!! God I sound 12. She has always wanted more of me, and often still talks about our shared history. She's a hugger and an arm stroker and when she does it I feel like yelling 'You've known me for 20 years, you know I don't like touchy feely stuff FGS!'.

I have heard through other friends she feels I don't confide in her like I do in others, that I don't see much of her or make arrangements, I don't support her and I have am cold towards her. Some of this is true though I vehemently deny not supporting her.

I deeply resent being told (by email) that she was upset I had told other friends some (very minor) news and not her. I deeply resent the low level, often unsaid but felt, pressure from her.

There is a lot more to it like her h has alienated her from friends to a degree and her kids, though wonderful and much loved by me, are hard work - quite needy and in-yer-face and dramatic like she is.

Our lives are so interwoven and our friendship so long but despite all that I wish I could just cut her out of my life. It's pretty brutal of me to say that as she's not a bad person and many people she meets or knows thinks she's fantastic and she is.

I have many close and great friends but on the other hand keep myself to myself emotionally and don't 'need' anyone.

Thanks for reading. Anyone know remotely how I feel?

I think you should do her a favour and leave her alone. You sound very judgemental....and a bit nasty.

Just stop seeing her if you don't like her. Let it fizzle out, or tell her why honestly.

To me she sounds rather insecure and as you said, needy. I think she needs you more than you need her for the same reason - she is insecure (for whatever reason) and your loyalty seems to fill the hole - that's why she gets so upset when your behaviour is disloyal.

I am sure she has some issues perhaps going back to her family as to me she still seems to behave like a 12 y/o. Having said that it's not your responsibility to make her happy and to fill whatever hole she feels inside.

Is she aware of her neediness at all?

How difficult. You're not unreasonable at all, it's one of those situations where one can see both sides.

Having said that, it sounds like cutting her out altogether would be impracticable given that you have lots of friends in common (and to be honest it would be a bit unkind too). Could any of your mutual friends help out by making helpful comments to her - nothing dramatic, just along the lines of 'well, friendships change', 'amijustcold is very self-sufficient, maybe she's just not made for the sort of friendship you want', etc? She would still be hurt but you might be able to get a more casual friendship out of it in the long term?

Oh yes... especially the gossip part. Well done for keeping your private life private because that's not something you want a person like this to have over you. If she was really upset about you being cold and unsupportive why would she pursue you so much?

I always think that mates are more difficult to dump than partners. You meet someone when you're 11 years old and even if you have very little in common any more and don't like each other much, there's this weird obligation to stay loyal. If the e-mail you mention is current you could always reply back with a ... 'I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe our friendship has run its course? Adios'

she sounds nice though, insecurity aside

I'll be her friend :)

Agree with Strike, be honnest with her. Long lasting friendships fizzle out eventually. The people you were 20 years ago are long gone. This is pretty common really. Especially friendships made at school are kept up usually on a pretext of I've known her / him for so long but actually poeple don't really get on anymore because they've changed so much or don't like the partners, best to to go your own way. Just be honnets with her and tell her hwo you feel.

I don't think you're cold, just private. There's nothing wrong with that, don't her or anybody else say there is.

I hate touchy feely stuff, except with dh and the kids. I've been like it from a young age. As you have too and your friend knows this, she should respect it.

Can you just withdraw from her a bit?

Thanks so much for replies, it means a lot to me because I've not faced up to this and cannot voice this so fully to anyone in RL.

Yes Mooncup - cutting her out is not just impractical but impossible. It would be like me saying to anyone in a relatively close family to cut out a sibling. Our friendship circle is tight and we do lots of stuff together (this is one of the issues really - I do see her and speak to her quite a lot - but she wants more).

And actually you are very astute because our mutual close friends have actually kind of said what you've said above about me being more self sufficient and her needing to just accept it for what it is. But she seems so angry like it's a personal affront, it really isn't - well it's become one but it wasn't!

Not to drip feed, but when I say I don't like her husband, he is (in my opinion) emotionally abusive. That's maybe where my extra resentment comes from - I have supported her and listened her to and asked her if she wants to stay with him (we put her and kids up once, just for two nights) without ever actually slagging him off. I felt I'd done the right thing, been as honest but supportive as I could.

Mozerela - yes, my other friends often say that it's like she got stuck as a 15 year old emotionally. Though in other ways she's extremely emotionally intelligent and perceptive.

Thanks Heath - and yes I have withdrawn from her but it's causing her pain I can tell

Alameda - she really is very nice and many people regard her as a very valued friend who is great company most the time. I do or did until the pressure I feel she's put me under kind of ruined that iyswim?

Its a common proble.

You need to communicate more opening with her.

Tell her when she offends you, but kindly. You need to take responsibility for that.

Offer her what you want to and can, but not more.

Tell her you like her etc but that you have other commitments and friends you a also want to cultivate, as does she.

She may not like it, but that isnt your issue , its hers- she can have more than you want to give, and giving too much causes unspoken resentment.

I would also invite her out soon after this conversation so she knows you value her in practice- which you do.

I mean she cant have more of you than you want to give

Yes Five that's very true (your last post).

I suppose I have wanted to avoid The Big Conversation or too much openess. Because in a way that's the whole point - I don't want to be embroiled so emotionally in this friendship. I don't have to manage my other friendships, I don't have to explain myself or have discussions about our friendships iyswim.

She doesn't offend me, she just stifles me so that's quite hard to say to her. What I have done is keep her at arm's length and withdraw a bit over the years..the problem is it's come to a head with her talking about it to our other friends and feeling hurt. She feels absolutely entitled to know my news or entitled to see me, and if that isn't offered she feels angry and snubbed.

I don't envy you one bit, do you think you will go on to have The Conversation? Or keep gritting your teeth, or what?

Yes, it is hard and a bit gruesome to have Big Conversations about friendships... and in my experience it often just makes things worse as the things said hang in the air unspoken for years afterwards.

Has she spoken to you directly about this, or is she just talking behind your back? If it's the latter then you can wait for it to die down and her to accept (albeit grudgingly) the situation. If the former, then maybe you could say something direct but without criticising her personally - e.g. 'I'm sorry, but we're just very different sorts of people, I don't mean to be hurtful but I need much more space than you do'...?

Just be smiling and polite and keep your distance. Let her make a dick of herself or grow up. There is nothing wrong with you not wishing to let her into your life, no one is entitled to more from anyone than the person wishes to give.

Thanks you lovely lot

Mooncup - I think that's what I'll do, try to let it blow over, keep keeping my distance (soo weird though when she feels like we're best friends who are going through a terrible time - whereas I feel like we're just old and sisterly friends) and if something has to be said keep it about me needing space rather than about her.

I don't want it to be The Big Conversation, no, Alameda. It feels even more dishonest - having a big emotional pow wow is the opposite of what I'm trying to achieve which is a more even-keeled, straight forward friendship.

SGB, thanks. It's nice to hear that so emphatically you know. The good thing is our other friends do sympathise with me and have gently but firmly tried to tell her she is being OTT and a bit silly.