Is my mum an alcoholic?

[FeelLikePants]

Not sure where to put this but Relationships seems like a good start.

My mum has always 'liked a drink'. Our whole family does, with the eventual result that I am now a recovering alcoholic and my sister is teetotal. (We must have such good genes )

So I'm familiar with alcoholic behaviour, but have never been sure about my mum because although she drinks a lot, regularly, she always stops after a few. It never gets out of hand, she doesn't behave badly or end up in blackout. She's a reasonably upstanding human being who likes a few glasses of wine of a lunchtime and evening. Maybe a bit too much, but it seems relatively harmless.

Last week I discovered that she's hiding bottles from my stepfather . They're half-bottles of wine, not litres of vodka, but still. She's hiding them. Because he likes the odd glass, but would usually rather have a cup of tea. When I asked her about it she said she didn't want him knowing that she might want a drink 'a bit earlier than he does'.

I know this is totally unhealthy, but I'm paralysed as far as knowing what to do goes.

Can anyone give me any advice?

PS Am a regular, have namechanged.

As a recovering alcoholic, then you clearly have a very good understanding of alcoholism. I am not sure that there is a hard and fast definition of an alcoholic though - it must surely be down to the impact that person's drinking has on their life and that of those around them. If she is hiding alcohol, then she must be ashamed of it, which would suggest an unhealthy reliance to me. But only she can admit that.

I assume you are familiar with AA, Al-Anon and the various support organisations for alcoholics and their families?

no one can make that call for someone else, if she does stop at a few (and doesnt go home and secretly continue) i would say no.

maybe her DH has mentioned something about her drinking.
perhaps you dont know the full extent?

why could say that you are confused about her hiding bottles, and ask if there is anything you can do to help?

you could say / why dont you say

Secret drinking or hiding bottles doesn't necessarily mean alcoholism. Could just mean your parents don't have a particularly healthy relationship with each other. My own DF enjoys a glass of scotch very occasionally but my DM is so strait-laced she makes the Plymouth Brethren look like Amy Winehouse. So he has a nip on the QT rather than risk a tongue-lashing. She once showed me the pencil marks she's made on the bottle label as proof that he was a terrible old soak ..... in the space of a month the contents had dropped by about a centimetre.

Thanks for the replies. I think it's true that what's important is the impact it's having - or could have - on their lives.

What worries me most is what he would think if he found out. Clearly she is ashamed, but wouldn't the shame be worse if it came out?

Yes, I go to AA but have never been to Al-Anon.

I'm away for a week now so won't be seeing her but I'm going to think about asking her how she would feel if my stepdad found out, and why she can't drink more openly with him.

" but have never been sure about my mum because although she drinks a lot, regularly, she always stops after a few. It never gets out of hand, she doesn't behave badly or end up in blackout"

IMO many alcoholics are less likely to get "drunk" because they are used to functioning all the time with a certain amount of alcohol in them

to me, not getting drunk can be a sign of a problem

PMSL at Plymouth Brethren/Amy Winehouse

It's a fairly new relationship, they've been together about three years. I used to feel a bit like this around people who drank less than I did - uncomfortable, not wanting to feel judged - so I understand how she feels and why she's doing it. But it's her marriage, FFS.

Stay out of it. If he would be annoyed with your mum for having a glass of wine while she's doing the cooking or whatever, then it's between them to resolve and not for you too interfere. Yes, they should be able to be mature enough for her to have a drink openly and him not criticise. But, if she appears to be happy, not dependent on alcohol and can enjoy it sensibly, don't let your own experience colour your judgement.

If she does have a problem (and this is very much up to her interpretation) and she wants to overcome it, then she will need your stepfather's support. So, getting her drinking into the open with him is a very good place to start. So what you sugguest strikes me as a very good place to start indeed. Good luck, never an easy subject to broach. What does she think about your alcoholism ? Does she know?

Well, she can enjoy it sensibly but she's definitely dependent - hence the dilemma.

We have had several conversations over the years about her levels of drinking - all initiated by her asking me whether I thought she drank too much. I have no intention of trying to make her change if she doesn't want to, but this feels like a big development and it's alarming me. After years of being on her own she's in a very happy marriage and I'm just worried.

Yes, she knows about me, and occasionally (though not recently) has asked tentatively about whether she should come to a meeting. I haven't pushed it, and it's never happened. I think she's very daunted by the idea of stopping altogether, which I also found very scary.

You are not responsible for your mum & she does not appear to have a problem. Did it occur to you that she may have asked about coming to an AA meeting as a way of supporting you... not because she thinks she drinks too much?

i think you should open a dialogue with her...primary purpose and all that, you would have the conversation with a friend, why not your mum?

Thank you all for the advice.

I am going to talk to her about why she feels she needs to hide it. Not about the drinking itself. My stepdad is a lovely man, not punitive or judgey in any way.

It sounds like she may be what's known as a 'functioning alcoholic'. She sounds similar to a lady I once worked with who always wore v strong perfume and was a short tempered and irrational, but held down a good job. Anyway, she died ( of alcohol related problems we were told). I had to clear out her desk and it was full of miniatures and a couple of half drunk bottles of wine. But from the outside, she seemed fine.

My FIL is a functioning alcoholic - there is a lot of them about. My MIL refuses to accept he is an alcoholic because he doesn't black out and/or start fights and he holds down a job (that happens to revolve around alcohol). The fact he has all sorts of alcohol related health issues is just a coincidence . He drinks enough to slay a horse but never appear drunk. My main concern with your mum is driving - does she drink and drive? My FIL did (because he didn't feel drunk) but thankfully his health problems mean he is currently unable to drive.

My DH has definate alcoholic tendancies as he doesn't seem to have an off switch when drinking. Thankfully he recognises this and is able to drink in moderation. As a recovering alcoholic you are well placed to know how much is too much in terms of damage to health even if your Mum doesn't appear drunk or out of control.

Does your mum think she has a problem? Hiding booze may suggest she does. However, I have to agree with Cogito above, some people think a G&T on a week night Will shortly lead to drinking meths out of a milk carton. My DBs partner had a violent alcoholic exH and as a result she is positively hostile to anybody with a drink in their hand. She thinks sharing a bottle of wine between 4 over sunday lunch is the start of a binge and she is quite rude about it, which makes me feel very uncomfortable, even though I definately don't have a drink problem.

DH found al-anon very helpful when trying to come to terms with his Dad's drinking.

The health issues are a slight worry but she's generally very fit and healthy. I don't think she drinks and drives but that's partly down to my stepdad's influence or the fact that he usually drives. She's pretty much in control, like I said, this isn't the type of drinking that gets out of hand.

Nor is my stepdad judgmental or controlling in any way, he just has a lower cut-off point. He'd almost always rather have a cup of tea, whereas she's twitching for a glass of wine. I can totally see why that would make her feel awkward. But hiding bottles seems a very extreme solution.

I don't know - I can see several angles to this. Maybe I'll try Al-Anon when I get back from my holiday.