i am worn down by this

[singinginthesun]

It is probably my fault for being oversensitive. But I cannot cope with DP's negativity. It is fairly constant, not directed at me but of the whingy/moany variety. I would do anything to see him happy and I don't mind him venting but I hate this negativity for effect. I suffer from anxiety and depression and my automatic response is to internalise it. I could be as negative as him if I wanted but the way I see it you only have one life and there's enough real sadness in the world as it is. I have twice tried to talk to him about it and he makes the motions of listening and then doesn't change. I have thought about dragging him to counselling. I feel so shallow and guilty for wanting a partner with a better attitude.

It's not shallow. Negativity breeds negativity, and it's really easy to get dragged down if you spend a lot of time with someone like that.

I think it's really hard for those people to change though

It's not shallow at all to want someone to have a more positive attitude but it tends to be a vain hope that someone's core personality is going to change. It is extremely draining to live with constant wining and moaning. My main concern would be that, if it's affecting your mental health and he won't even acknowledge the problem let alone make an effort when he's around you, it doesn't sound like he cares all that much. Selfishness is not a great quality in a partner.

Hi, I thunk that would get anybody down, you're not being shallow. My DH has always been prone to thinkibg negatively, pessimism, bitterness about others' good fortune. He bought and read a couple of CBT books a few months ago and said they have literally changed his life. He has recommended them to members of his family with similar -but worse traits. He is generally more relaxed and content, and doesn't feel so negative.
May be worth looking at?

Difference is aftereight is that your DH took the initiative because he realised he had a problem. That's the approach of a self-aware person that is prepared to adapt. If the OP's DP doesn't even want to talk about it I doubt he'd agree to read a book.

I have got him to read my cbt books in the past. He reads them but he doesn't absorb. He loves me deeply I am sure of it. I think he has a blindspot because his parents are like this and because he thinks it is witty or amusing.

But it makes me so angry. Last night after I posted I told him I wanted counselling to discuss it. And he made it this big negative thing about him "oh I'm so scared its such a big step what if we can't sort it. What good will counselling do anyway." It twists to become something he can be negative about. So I lost it, just shouted see the positive that I want to make this work and just give it a go for my sake. We can afford it and if its crap well try something else.

I have told him I want him to say one positive or at least neutral thing for every two negative things he says. He replies I'm not negative I just see the world as it is.

Work is the worst bit. He is a total workaholic martyr does far in excess of whats needed and then moans about it all night and weekend at home. Either he secretly enjoys it but has his cake and eats it cos he enjoys the moaning too or he hates it and he should find something else.

He wasn't like this when I met him (we were at university). I have begun to think that if I can manage not to be a miserable mucker with anxiety and depression he can make the effort to. I am starting to think I would rather be alone and miserable on my own account than in a relationship and miserable on his.

Thank you for listening.

How he sees the world is entirely up to him and if he wants to put a negative interpretation on everything that is his choice. What you can do is tell him you no longer want to hear it and that you are not prepared to be dragged down by his constant negativity.

Tell him you are not able to absorb any more of it and he can either take some steps - such as counselling - to learn new behaviour or just keep it to himself.

You are not responsible for his happiness but you are responsible for your own so you need to take steps to make things better for yourself. It's extremely wearing living with someone like this and you have to make it clear to him that you can't carry on like this.

" I'm not negative I just see the world as it is. "

Implication being that your approach is delusional? Yes he does enjoy complaining because it gets a reaction. Rather than trying to change him, which sounds like you'd be wasting your time anyway, I would simply treat the moaning as attention-seeking behaviour and either change the subject, leave the room or ignore it completely. If he finds himself alone in rooms whining to the air a few too many times he might get the message quicker than if you press the point.

Aftereight - what were the books please?

Part of the problem is that it makes me as bad because I then moan about his moaning.

Some of the time he doesn't get how it sounds. Yesterday when I was cooking dinner he asked me if he could play his game for an hour, so that he could pretend that the thing he is fighting is his colleague and 'shoot his face off'. The colleague in question had asked an annoying question, that's all. When I said I don't think that's a nice thing to say he started with ffs can't you take a joke (I don't think violence is funny, sorry) and then this whole you have no idea the day I've had thing. He's spoken about the colleague before. I get it. But he doesn't get that he winds himself up and makes it worse.

Cogito, for years after this behaviour started I tried that approach. It got me nowhere. He will literally save it up until I'm there again.

He's starting to sound less like he's 'negative' and more that he's just 'nasty'. That's quite an agressive exchange you just described. Do you actually like him?

my exh was exactly like this.... he would come home from work and it was like a black cloud had come in with him. In the end I said what would you like me to do about it?? and told him that he had to deal with things, ie if he thought they were putting on him at work, tell them... NOT ME as i couldn't do anything about it... but to be honest he was like that with everything..
I do understand how emotionally draining it can be, does he have any idea how negative he is? the books sound a good idea, I hope he'll read them...

Cogito no I don't when he says things like that. That one is an extreme example.

When he isn't like this he is wonderful.

They all are, unfortunately. Wonderful until the next aggressive/nasty/miserable outburst, that is. I'd fight shy of sticking the 'emotional abuse' tag on this one and sometimes the optimist/pessimist combo can be a good relationship. But if you find you're getting upset, not saying what you think because you're worried about his reaction, having your concerns dismissed, or if the whining and moaning starts to be specifically about you... then be careful.

singing how long have you had the anxiety and depression? I am wondering if being with your DP has actually triggered it.

Also, has DP always been like this? If not, when did it start?

Resurrecting this thread to let you know that DH has agreed to counselling. He finally understood that taking the step because it would make me happy to give it a go, not because there was any carrot or stick attached was a good thing.

Progress.

On another note, we have just had DH's mother staying for the weekend, and I think I am starting to appreciate how far this is family influenced.
One example -
MIL - why do parents carry babies in outward facing slings? They look horrid and really uncomfortable?
Me - My friend's baby really likes it. She's just got to the stage where she is interested in the world around her but still likes being close to her mum.
MIL - Must be autistic then.
[gasp].

That was the most extreme. Rest of the time just a steady stream of isn't the world crap. I decided to retaliate in kind with a calm but relentless optimism.

So the next question is whether counselling and any amount of willingness to change can in fact undo a lifetime's maternal influence on DH. Because while I love him with everything I have I'm not willing to let this rule my life.