She wants to move away with boyfriend

[lizzzy1]

My just 17 dd has thrown away her college course to follow her boyfriend to another college hundreds of miles away. She wont wait till she is 18 and is making our lives a misery.

So she has registered at a new college?

no she plans to stay here and get a job till christmas then move up to where he is and then start next sept.

I have 2 thoughts here 1) the relationship may not make it til Christmas and 2) if it does, then at least they are showing some maturity in planning ahead

Or am I missing something?

Is the bf already at that college?

Did she choose her college course herself?

How is she making your lives a misery?

bf starts next month and he found that they do the same course as she was doing here. bf called relationship of when we said she should wait saying it was too painful for him and of course she unleashed hell on us. It seems back on again.

I suspect this relationship isn't going to last, the bf will settle in the new town and make new friends without your dd.

He'll be at new uni about one month before he dumps your dd.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. First time I've posted and didn't realise how supportive this could be.

I know it's counter-intuitive but I think you should err on the side of encouragement. There's nothing like an annoyed parent to guarantee that a 17 year-old will rush headlong into a crappy decision. So save your breath, give her the 'you know best' line, and stand by with the tissues. I'm sure her college would let her pick up her course again in the future.

Very very few home relationships last beyond the first term from what I remember! There is always lots of talk about spending weekends together and moving into a lovely flat as a couple (using what for rent, exactly? ) but it rarely comes to anything.

Hmmm.... they do that sort of thing at this age.

I don't care for bf called relationship of when we said she should wait saying it was too painful for him ....if he meant well by her he'd at least think about it. Shades of my way or the highway? maybe?.... but let that pass for now.

If you think your daughter will be OK I would do what Cogito suggested. Act neutrally even if you're torn up inside...and see what happens.

Everything feels all or nothing at 17/18, but it really isn't.

...schlock I think I've heard those very words...

If she is going to go she's going to go. If you support her she'll feel more able to come back when if it goes wrong. I would suggest that she stays in the course at home until Christmas though.

Is she too late to start the course at his college at the beginning of this term.

She wants to start his college next september-take a year out

There's nothing essentially wrong with either of those things. If she takes a year out and can't be by his side Day 1 anything could really happen in the next 12 months. If she gets a job, earns some money & makes new friends between now and Christmas she may even find the independence is more enjoyable than being with Mr Clingy.

Just make sure you charge her a fair amount of rent during her year out if she's living with you - you can put it to her that 1) while she is not studying she has to contribute to the household (might encourage her to continue studying) and 2) you are helping her become accustomed to supporting herself (while secretly hoping that she sees how expensive living on her own/with him will be).

You can put the rent aside as savings for her if you want to, but don't tell her about them!

Oh and I completely agree with Cogito - I've a family member who is exactly like this and we've learnt over the years to never challenge her head on because that makes her stick to whatever irrational decision she's thinking of at the time. In fact, now that we know this about her, it's actually easier to get her to think carefully about decisions by agreeing enthusiastically with her!

Of course, rent! Masterstroke.

just nod benignly and let this run it's course

give her no money, though

simply make it clear, she has a warm bed and the prospect of a fully belly at your house but that is the extent of the support you are prepared to give if she takes this direction

I totally sympathise

my crystal ball tells me that my own dd (soon to be 17) will be moving out of my house within the year, but in her case I reckon she will be throwing college away all together and moving in with her boyfriends family who don't nag, appear to have very few rules and think she is marvellous (although currently her self absorption is reaching epidemic levels, they don't see that of course)

tbh, I wouldn't put the rent aside as savings

nobody, even my own adult children, will live in my house rent (and responsibility)-free

if she's adult enough to take this decision, she is adult enough to understand that no-one is entitled to a free ride

as long as she still applies to college there and doesnt get pregnant, it's not the end of the world

is she quite independent at home ie with chores?