Just looking at the boats

[Ormiriathomimus]

We've just returned from a family holiday in Cornwall. One evening Dh and I went out for a drink and on the way back stopped to look out over the sea. It was a lovely evening. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with sorrow - all I could think of was that he was wishing he was here with her, his OW, instead of me. He asked what the matter was and I told him. He looked at me in utter confusion and said 'Did it never occur to you that I was just looking at the boats?'

Made me laugh. That two people have such different perceptions and priorities. Also taught me that we are not the hero and heroine of some tragic romance, just ordinary people. I found that reassuring somehow.

Hi Orm. In spite of what he has done, I like the sound of your DH.

It also says that whatever is lurking around in your imagination....does not make it necessarily a fact.

Glad you seem to be heading the right way.

He is certainly remarkably down-to-earth. Which is one of the reasons I found it so hurtful that he let himself get carried away. But I really do think with him it's out of sight, out of mind. So fingers crossed she'll just become an embarrassing memory for him soon.

I like that. We all impose our preconceptions and perceptions on other people at times. I'm going to remember that phrase

I've been where you are now a few years ago and I remember the devastation. I'm no longer with the cause of my devastation as he wasn't worth it. If yours is, I wish you all the best.

Do you know what? I like that response.
I also like that you told him what your thoughts were.
I have followed you threads, commented occasionally but admired you greatly. Finishing a marriage is not always the right thing.
I hope you and your family are well.
I may be wrong, but I think you will be an example of how an affair doesn't always mean the end.
good luck orm.

It's worth remembering that us men often don't have any thoughts at all. We can gaze at something and have a totally empty mind.

Thanks. What a lovely thing to say AG!

Jury is still out. I am getting better but still feel like I'm convalescing. But at least he is trying his best to help me.

Orm, I too have got a lot from reading your posts. My OH and I aren't married but we are working through things to try and rebuild our relationship too. My OH is frequently saying stuff like your dh did about the boats. He wants me to stop assuming the worst and he's doing everything he can to make every day more and more "normal" in that he wants my mind to be at peace instead of on edge all the time. I think your DH wants the same, to give you peace in your heart and mind after all the hellish trauma of late. I wish you both all the best. :)

I'm a recent one to find out DP was having an affair. He is desperately trying make things right but my heart is broken and I don't know what to think or do. He wants life to carry on as normal as if nothing happened yet I can't and want the break. I personally thinks he doesn't want to break up to save face and I want the break to make him hurt, like he has with me and to give me the time and space that I need.
Affairs suck!
Op - sorry didn't see your other posts. How did you move from discovery to now? Did you physically separate? Do many people know?

Hi solittle - he didn't go anywhere. Before he told me the extent of the affair he told me he was going to leave (not to be with her) I just reacted in panic to stop him leaving. And I was in a state of shock so couldn't see past making sure he stayed. It's been 2 months now. He has done just about everything he can to make me feel better and I there are days when it's really good but so many things act as a trigger and I'm back in all the hurt and shock again.

A few friends know, that's all.

"He wants life to carry on as normal as if nothing happened yet I can't and want the break" He has to understand that nothing is normal. And it won't be ever again - it can be OK but different I guess. Someone advised me to buy 'How to help you spouse heal from your affair' by Linda Macdonald. It's very simple join the dots way for the cheating partner to help fix the mess they broke. DH is reading it now although he is doing most of it already. Might be worth a try for your partner?

The 1% optimistic romantic in me says 'how encouraging', while the 99% sceptical realist says he would say that, wouldn't he some questions shouldn't be asked because you're unlikely to be given a truthful answer.

Life will become 'normal' again, Orm, but it will be a different kind of normality than that which you were accustomed to prior to his affair.

Orm - I watched your threads unfold and commented occasionally. I read every post - but I can't empathise with your situation because I had a husband who never cheated in 25 years.

I think you are a remarkable woman who is focussed on family values and the family per se. That is one of the numerous reasons why you are prepared to give your family a second chance. (Not DH getting a 2nd chance - it is your family.) I can't even begin to comprehend why your DH told you about the 'rumours at work' when he was actually emotionally engaged (and possibly more) with the TA. That was a high-risk strategy!

But he did try to make everyone else out to be a liar! (They weren't)
He compromised his Headteacher's support.

I don't think you have an easy road ahead - it is going to be challenging as you face all the DH's colleagues who saw things that you didn't.

Make sure that you identify yourself as a 'knowing' wife - not someone who is in the dark of the extent of infidelity. Smile gratiously and hold his hand at any staff 'do'.

And I still think you should have the biggest and best Anniversary/birthday bash that you can both manage to muster!

Oh I'm playing the gracious in-control very grown-up wife to everyone from the school. Not seen her yet - that will be erm.... Interesting

Izzy- can't help thinking that a 'well he would say that wouldn't 'he' reply would be more along the lines of 'of course I'm not, I'm enjoying being with you oh light of my life'. I thought the reply he actually gave was refreshingly ordinary and actually very like him. I suspect I have been inflating every event and circumstance with hyperbole and emotion.