Sad and about marriage

[stillworriedaboutthis]

Hello
I have posted before, but name changed for this.
Sorry for this very long post.

I am very confused and sad about my marriage and would appreciate some impartial views. I have been married to my husband for 6 years, we have 2DCs who are 5 and 3. We have always bickered to some degree, had problems communicating etc. Also, we have never been particularly compatible in terms of interests, although I always felt we shared similar values and my husband is caring, thoughtful- did all the night feeds for example when my 2nd DC was born as I was ill with anxiety and insomnia.

Things have deteriorated very badly between us over the last 6 months or so. We are constantly bickering- but this escalates rapidly now to full blown screaming matches. It very often centres around trying to establish who is 'right' about a given, often very trivial issue. For example Me ' The time was 6:15' He ' No it wasn't it was 6:02' - Often I know perfectly well this is not true because I have seen the clock ( God this sounds pathetic). At any rate, I get angry and frustated because I feel that his desire to be correct at any time stymies any chance of having a neutral conversation. On the other hand, I am probably guilty of the same. No matter where the blame lies, it is EXHAUSTING.

There are two other issues I need to mention so as not to drip feed. I feel like I do not trust him- I feel angry and I don't know why. Again, - I am doubting myself as to why I do not trust him. ( not related to infidelity). It is mainly to do with these small tweaks of the truth which he makes on an ongoing basis.

There are two incidents which, in the context of this are preying on my mind.

1- 2 years ago I had a birthday party, we had a lot to drink. When we came home we argued. The next day I had a HUGE bruise on my upper arm. When I say huge, it was about 3 inches across, and incredibly painful for weeks. He said he did not hit me or push me. I do not remember what happened.... and I know that if I do have a lot to drink I can become aggressive and I suffer from black outs so I have no memory of how this argument unraveled. However, I cannot get past this....I cannot see how I could have inflicted this on myself. I could I suppose, but it was never resolved and after this evening I had a horrible sick feeling.

1. A couple of months ago he was trying to get one of the kids to tidy up and she started crying saying that he had hurt her. She was holding the front of her neck. She said he had held her neck , by the front. He became very angry and accused her of lying and denied doing anything. Then he said he had held her by the back of the neck to steer her to pick up her toys. I was furious, and told him that no matter whether he was steering her or not he should not be doing these things. I did not believe him. He is generally gentle with the children although I have been angry with him in the past for the way he has spoken to them- for example telling them to 'Shut up'

There are a lot of issues here- mainly lack of trust which I recognise could be as much down to me as his actions. I do not know what to do or how to proceed.

Sorry that this is so confused.

I think you've reached that stage a lot of long-term relationships descend to which is that you simply don't like each other much any more. You find each other irritating. You say you had little in common to begin with and difficulty communicating, and relationships built on such shaky foundations are not going to withstand very much at all. When you're constantly rowing and can get into a point-scoring argument about something as trivial the time of day, it's bad. When you'd prefer to believe that a 'gentle' father assaulted a child or hit on your birthday than look for other explanations.... like you blacked out and fell over, perhaps?... then it's even worse.

How to proceed? Do you both actually want to stay married? If so, you're going to need to get in a situation where you can talk to each other without it turning into another argument. If not, for everyone's sake I'd call it a day.

Well its not healthy on either of your parts. He clearly needs to be right, so do you.
I am may sound judgy but judging him because of a mystery bruise when you were that drunk you don't remember anything is pointless.
You admit you get aggressive when drunk, so why get that drunk? Whether the marriage is shit or not.
He also sounds aggressive. It perfectly reasonable for you to have done it yourself, especially when you black out.
He sounds very similar to you.
Tbh you both seem intent on being right and blaming the other.
I am not blaming you, I am saying its both of you. but that's only my opinion.
I think you should seriously think about splitting.

This sounds terrible. You dont sound compatible at all. Do you really want to stay married?

I come from a different culture where screaming and shouting at each other is a part of life in my home country. No one would bat an eye lid if they saw a couple row, even in public. However, the rows usually end because people recognise that being right is less important than saving the relationship. Usually one or both will back down simply to save the relationship and restore peace, or a point will come where laughing about the hysterics is the right thing to do. If you no longer have the ability to see that the exact time is not important, or being right is not that important either really than perhaps you no longer love your partner? You say you don't trust him, but do you actually love him enough to want to go for example to couple counselling?
If you don't have the desire to save your relationship than it's pointless, granted, so you should perhaps decide if you actually want to find a way out and are blaming him for your unconscious choice?

Thank you all for your honesty. It is very helpful. A lot chimes with what I have been thinking especially Cogito and Olive. Time for me to take a hard look at myself here and my contribution to this situation.