terrified of ex - hand holding needed

[MzPixielated]

oh where do i start.. i think i just need reassurance and some wise words. im shaking as i write this, its a long story but here goes..
when i was 15 i met what i thought was a lovely guy, he was slightly older and seemed like so much fun, he did drugs and drank but in my naivety i thought he was so cool. we got together and after a few months i fell pregnant and had DS when i was 16. we moved out together and things quickly turned nasty, XP had always been controlling but he started to drink more and soon turned violent. i'll spare you the details but basically i ended up very fearful of him.
when DS was around 18 months he turned his anger towards him, he never hit him but i knew it was only a matter of time.. luckily not long after, XP left me, looking back i think the novelty of having a child wore off and he moved back in with his mum. i thought i was free at last and was happy to see him go but alas he kept his key and would regularly let himself in, usually when i was out, to steal my food, dvds, xbox, ect. sometimes he would wait for me to get home and just be sitting there with his brother and mum to give me a hard time, tell me the place was a mess or i was a shit mum (the whole family are bullys unfortunately).
eventually i'd had enough, my family who live 300 miles away said i could live with them and i just ran, changed my hair colour, my name, everything i started a new life. he got back in contact via facebook soon after and i stupidly let him back into my life, he said he'd changed and i believed him. he would demand to have DS when it suited him and i was expected to bring him down and fetch him back when XP got bored of him. he was civil for a few years and even started paying £5 a week into and account for him (through csa). until last summer DS (then 4) said Xp friends had been nasty to him (his friends are mostly junkies and can be horrid at times)
i feel so guilty for doing this to my beautiful son however i thought it was a one off and last Xmas i let XP have DS again. DS was a little apprehensive but i made it sound like a really good holiday and packed his bucket and spade (XP live 1/2 mile from the beach) however when the holiday drew to a close XP messed around for days, the day i was due to get him didnt suit then the next day didnt either.. i had to get my partner to take time off work to fetch him because DS had school the next day. XP didnt even say bye to DS. poor DS had a six hour journey before school on the monday and was knackerd (really i should have just given him the day off school but i didnt want DS to miss out just because his father is difficult). DS had been really quiet when i fetch him from school then eventually said "i had a nightmare about this, i dreamt granny (xp's mum) came and got me from school and took me away from you." i said why on earth would you think that? he replyed "granny said you snatched me away from her when i was a baby and im hers" . he had got mixed up and insisted granny was his mum, then had to spend hours convincing him i was his mother. that night when i put DS to bed he also said daddy was smoking (weed) outside the whole time with his friends and DS hadn't left the house the whole time he was there not even allowed to go in the garden (i know this is true because i phoned XP every day he was there and asked what they where up to) DS also said he had to sit and watch daddy play xbox alot but was not allowed to touch it. and daddy got very angry some times and threw things and one thing nearly hit DS.
soon after this i stopped contact again, me and my partner moved into our own place and we had a baby girl. we didn't leave a forwarding address and i changed my number, i hate doing this i grew up never knowing my father and didnt want the same for my kids.. i spoke to a solicitor and she reassured me given the circumstances it was the right thing to do and XP would have to go to court to get visiting rights. i know im a coward but i just couldn't say to XP i didnt want him near DS, i just ran again. im so scared of him.. i know if he knew where i was he'd be at my door trying to take DS. i dont know if he still pays the maintanence into an account but i didnt change my address on that account just incase. so here's my problem.. the fact of the matter is i am laying awake every night panicking hes going to turn up at my door or at DS school, is there any way he could find me? the solicitor said if he did manage to take DS id have a lengthy court battle to get him back. these thought have haunted me so much im now on anti depressants because i just wanted to end it all. sorry for the long rambling post, thankyou if you got this far.

OuOh poor you. I don't have much advice only sympathy as I can't return to the area where many of my friends and family live due to my ex who still poses a danger to me. Ive moved area and cut contact with anyone who might tell him where I am. Pretty sure he has lost interest now but still terrified. You haven't done anything wrong by running. Sometimes its the only way especially with his poisonous mother saying things like that. Hope you never have to see any of them again.

TBH, I suspect he could go to court and accuse you of parental abduction. What has your solicitor said?

Could you get second opinions on how best to proceed?

Personally, and if you have evidence and witnesses, I'd prefer to go to court and ask for exclusive parental responsibility and a no contact order.
Not sure how much you can do to protect your current address, but surely you could give your parent's address for proceedings, even bank account?

This man will probably stay out of your life unless you let him back in. Finding you would be far too much like hard work and bullies are essentially lazy cowards. They go for low-hanging fruit every time. Last time you escaped he didn't really have to track you down, he just got in touch via facebook.... hardly a big effort on his part. You've moved on properly now and, from the way you describe him, I'd say he won't bother trying to find you again.

You DS may have some of his DNA but I think that's the sum-total of his connection. You, your DP and your DD are DS's 'real' family... never forget that.

The second thing is that you need to find some confidence if you're ever going to shake off the mental hold he's got on you. You're frightened in part because you've never actually stood up to the bully, never asserted yourself. You're also frightened because you still see yourself as being his 15 year-old victim, at the mercy of events, rather than a mature woman in control of your life. I think, as well as anti-depressants, you'd benefit from some counselling to help you see that you really are in control of your new life and that, together with your new partner and legal representative, you are a strong team.... where he is a doped up, drink-sodden straw-man. And therefore no threat whatsoever.

thank you so much for your replys it really means a lot. i just hope its me being paranoid. XP is extremely lazy and to be honest if it was just him he would have stopped bothering when DS was born, most of the things he says and does are from his mother, i unfortunately have witnessed countless times when she has gone out of her way to hurt people, even her own family. i have never believed that people can be truly horrible right through to the core, i always think there must be a reason behind it but i learnt the hard way that XP and his family actually are.
luije yes i wanted to get a court order so we where protected against him but i have no proof as i was always 300 miles away when DS visited, the solicitor said it would be my word against his and i just don't think id have the balls to stand up to him in court.
you are completely right cogito i am believe it or not a strong, stubborn and generally thick skinned woman apart from when it comes to XP, i was beaten and raped so many times by him just the thought of him near me or my beautiful family terrifies me, i am going to have counselling in september and hopefully put some of the past behind me.
DS has not asked after his dad or expressed any desire to see him so i think he has either forgotten him or just doesnt want to be around him either(?)

Counselling will probably help you and, of course, it's never too late to prosecute for rape and assault. You might not want to go that route but it could be cathartic to report it at least, have someone else acknowledge and take seriously what happened to you in the past. You may even save his future partners by having his criminal behaviour on record.

I do belive that you are strong, stubborn and thick-skinned. :) You've had the guts to get out of a vicious situation at least twice in a relatively short space of time. You've built a new life and (my maths could be off) you'restill only early twenties. I'm confident that, one day, you'll see your ex in the street and, rather than fear, you'll feel nothing but contempt.

Your DS has grown up seeing how this horrible man behaves, seeing how he has abused his lovely Mum, been mistreated and neglected by him... . and he'd rather not have anything to do with him. Children know who they love and it has nothing to do with DNA

yes i have been to the police once or twice for various things, they know him and his family fairly well anyway
recently i have been a bit more open about why DS doesn't have contact with his father and it helped so much that my friends and partner believed me.
yes i am only 21, i have my whole life yet to live and i really want this new chapter in my life to be a good one. i just wish i could sleep at night! im racking my brains 24/7 trying to think of any loose ends i forgot to tie up or any way he could find me.
Xp did attack me once or twice infront of DS, i hope it didnt leave a lasting impression he was only small at the time..