Where am I going wrong?

[clh08]

I have been single for over 18 months after a long term relationship. I have joined a couple of online dating sites. I have had a few dates but anyone I find interesting (there's only been a couple) backs off after a couple of dates saying they aren't ready for a relationship. I have made it clear that I want to take things slowly ... build the friendship etc. I don't consider myself as 'needy' .... any advice on where I'm going wrong???

I am guessing that you dont sleep with them, and that is their problem.

Alot of the men on those sites (by no means all, dont flame me!) are after sex and when they dont get it they move on to the next one.

Sad but true.

This isnt about what you are doing wrong, but what you are doing right. If they were genuinely interested in you then they would be happy with dating for a while before you take the next step. As it is, you have dodged a couple of bullets there.

Keep your hand on your ha'penny until a nice once comes along!

Without meeting you, I couldn't possibly say.

You are getting second dates, so you are doing something right!

I'm guessing these guys are losers out for a quick shag, and you saying you want to take things slowly wasn't their intention.

thanks bogeyface and Lynette - much appreciated - however if anyone out there has experience of using these sites please feel frre to add your comments

What site(s) are you on? Some sites are more relationship focused than others. Not knowing anything about you, my gut instinct is that you're picking the wrong men (those just looking for a bit of fun). I do a lot of dating and have had my fair share of rejection, but usually a guy will just say "you're not the right person for me" (which is what I say to men too) rather than making up something about not looking for a relationship, unless they genuinely aren't looking for a relationship.

A lot of online dating is pure luck. Luck of the draw with which men are searching for partners at the same time you are. I met my partner of 4 years on a dating site, but I have friends who have been on them for years and never had a long-term relationship. It's not you so try not to get disheartened.
FWIW I used match.com.

I don't understand why men are on a "relationship" site if they don't want a relationship. Having watched friends be very hurt by the behavior of such men, I find it quite baffling, and is one reason why I am so wary of online dating. Because I know that if someone said "I don't want a relationship" - I would read it as "I don't want a relationship with YOU". I wonder if this is the basic problem: while the woman is more likely to be open to the possibility of a real relationship, he sort of just wants a bit of ego massaging and maybe a shag if it is on the cards. Mismatched intentions, but the man is being fundamentally dishonest because I'm quite sure that most profiles on relationship sites indicate just that - that the owner of said profile wants a relationship.

I was on Match for 18 months before I met my DP. It takes a lot of effort so I know how you feel being told this so often.

You don't say which site you use, if it's a free one I would be surprised if you found a genuine guy on there! If they're saying they're not wanting a relationship, it is possibly just the easy way of letting you down. Are you being fairly open minded about your search options? I talked to a lot of guys whom I normally wouldn't look twice at/didn't like their profile/what they said when they'd email and these were the guys that I had the most fun with (one of whom is now my DP )

DP turned up in my life after I'd had a bad break with a guy I saw for a couple of months from Match and had really taken a step back, was focusing on myself and only dating for fun and to make new friends. It was my laid back attitude that DP said hooked him

Its not so much of where you are going wrong, its about finding the right person and on route kissing a few toads to find your prince charming there is a thread on internet dating, which maybe you should read/join, it is very enlightening and it is a lot of support the current thread is life challenges vs online misadventures, dating (and non-dating) thread 19

I was online dating for a while.....it can lead you into trouble though, so do be very careful. But so long as you keep safe it can be a lot of fun!! though there are a good few twats to avoid on route

Just remember - it only has to work once! It's not like you need a success rate of 50% or anything. If you meet 200 men but one is right and feels you are right for him then that's all you need!

There are plenty of men on relationship sites just looking for fun. There are more women to choose from than on casual hook up sites and women post pictures more readily so it's a better deal for them. Everyone is acting in their own self interest. Bear that in mind, don't be upset by it and just understand that it's a numbers game.

Yes, it's not you, it's them.