Help write a reply to MIL's text

[littlecupcake]

Have a feeling this will be long - sorry.

Background: DH and I do not have a good relationship with his parents. Since I have stopped encouraging DH to call or email them, and suggesting that we visit them, there has been virtually no contact - they have not spoken on the phone for over a year and we have not seen them since January. DH has a brother and sister who live five minutes away, and they have also stopped communicating with us, so we are very much the black sheep (and before you ask, we have no idea why)! For a bit more background about our last contact, see my post here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1394082-No-more-contact-with-MIL

DH's sister had her second baby last week, whilst we were on holiday. She sent DH a text to tell him and he sent a message back to congratulate her. We have not visited because we have not been invited, and the last time we saw DH's brother and sister was at a wedding and none of us spoke to one another, so really, we don't feel inclined to visit.

This morning DH receives several text messages from MIL. She asked if DH could take DD to see the new baby as 'she should know who her relatives are'. DH said he would try to go at the weekend and the response was 'don't try, just do it'. Seriously. She then went onto the guilt trip about how she wakes at 5am most days because they are all so upset about it (I took that to mean about the way that the family has broken up) and that they should be enjoying their retirement. Then she finished by saying that they (DH and PIL) could meet up for a coffee next time DH is working near to where PIL live.

Gotta hand it to her, she's made it all out to be DH's fault that the family does not get on! She seems oblivious to the fact that DH's sister has not invited us round, and there are photos all over FB of the brother and sister together on various evenings out and day trips from which DH, DD and I have not been invited.

I wrote them all off after the shenanigans in January because I was so hurt, so this is purely to support DH. He has just read the entire post and said 'Hmmmm, when you see it in black and white...'.

So, wise MNers, DH has spent all evening thinking of his response, but has yet to find the right words. He has agreed to me asking for your suggestions.

She's telling him when and where to go, wants to meet up but only when he's nearby so they don't have to make any effort and it's convenient for her, and is trying to guilt him into apologising for something but has never actually said what's he's supposed to have done wrong? 'Feck off' would be my first suggestion.

Can't he just ignore!!!

He has ignored since he got it late this afternoon.

Picnicbasket, I agree with your summary and much as I'd love DH to tell his mother to feck off, I don't think he ever will (well, at least not using those words)!

wy not ignore her text and get on the phone/email to his sister to ask when she would be up for a visit?

unless he really doesn't want to see his neice/nephew in which case he should just tell is mum he's not planning on visiting and the reasons why.

I agree with DuelingFanjo.

Some people like to have the power of controlling all the communication within their family. It makes them feel important if everyone has to go through them to speak to other members of the family.

Take away her power and contact DH's sister yourselves, if that's what you want to do. If you'd rather not see SIL then just ignore the texts from MIL.

Agree with coppertop

Don't reply to her.

Contact his sister - she contacted him and told him about the bay, he replied - maybe if he were to take a step with her that would be easier.

I would have issues with the 'don't try, just do it' text.... he's not a 5-year-old anymore, he does not need her to run his life for him - he is the executor of his own decisions, decisions which must include you and your DC - personally I'd just ignore her, but I know it's easier said than done.

Hmmm, did she not ask all three of you to visit SIL? Just your DH and DD?
Personally, id not attend until SIL extended an invite to you all, after all you wouldn't want to intrude! It just seems MiL has found a perfect event to exert some control again. She really needs to hear some home truths of her unacceptable behaviour especially towards your DD and improve if she wants a happy dovey family. Rather than continualky sweeping it under the carpet. She can't pick and choose when she sees DD. I mean, what does she mean 'know her relatives' and the ones that are going to be spoilt and the relatives your mil may treat better? I'd say she'd only want to be included if she is to be treated equally!

Agree with everyone who has suggested cutting your MIL out of the equation. She is being controlling and manipulative. Your DH has his own relationship with his sister that he must decide how to manage. His mother really needs to keep her nose out.

Has DH's sister spoken to your MIL and asked her to get involved?

He doesn't have to reply to her. There's no rule that says each of her texts must be responded to. And there is no amount of well-crafted replies that will help MIL see the light, either.

If he wants to reply, he can defuse the emotions of the exchange by using only "I" statements, e.g. "I will be doing x" or "I will think about it" or "I will discuss this with sister directly".

If neither of you want to visit SIL and the new baby, it's ok to stick to your guns, without having to justify yourself.

Morning all, thanks for your replies. Seems the best thing to do is ignore completely. That'd probably upset the old bat even more

Someone asked if SIL had asked MIL to get involved. Have no idea, but we suspect PIL visited at the weekend and the first text messages started at 9am yesterday - probably once they were certain that DH was not visiting over the weekend. Have a feeling that the entire family got together at some point over the weekend, but of course we have no proof so we can't say anything.

SIL ignored us completely at a wedding we went to a couple of months ago, so neither of us is inclined to visit. I have asked DH numerous times if he thinks he ought to send a card or take a gift round, even offered to get something because I know he is busy, but he has just avoided the topic altogether.

Helium - her message was carefully crafted so it wasn't clear if I was to be included in the visit. However, given that she suggested meeting up with DH for a coffee whilst he is working nearby, I strongly suspect that she did not mean that I should go, too.

Given that SIL couldn't offer any congratulations when DH and I got engaged (she just told us what a waste of money it was), neither of us really feel inclined to offer our congratulations. Instead of sending a congratulations text message when she announced the birth, we should have just said 'ok, we'll update the family tree' (DH keeps the master copy). Oh, I wish I was a quicker thinker sometimes!

Thanks again for all your replies, I will pass your suggestions on to DH.

Honestly, I would use the birth of a new member of the family to make one last bash at reconciliation with everyone. I don't mean your DH should take any blame AT ALL, but all this isn't the new baby's fault. Arrange to meet the baby (ignoring MIL, as everyone suggests) and then if the others still seem unprepared to make the effort, stop worrying about it.

Sometimes a birth in the family can mean a fresh start (and sometimes, not).

Plant sitter, I completely agree. When DH and I had our DD two years ago, the family was already at loggerheads and we used DD as an opportunity to build a few bridges. However, it was very short lived and everyone was son back to their old ways. So in a sense we've been there and done that but it didn't work. Very reluctant to put us through all of the heartache again (especially if it would just be to keep MIL happy).

I think too much has happened for a reconciliation to be possible

I think at the very least your DH should send a card. I don't like suggesting that a wife do the leg-work and mreso in this case where the SIL has been rude but ... if you want things to change then you might need to make a little effort and popping to the shop for a new baby card is so little effort that I think you should just do it.

A nice new baby card with a nice message to welcome the new baby (Who is after-all an innocent in all this) and saying you look forward to meeting her/him. Send it and then see what happens. If your DH is ok with that of course.

I have a question, completely up to you if you answer, obviously.

When you said you caught up with SILs but then found out they had caught up 'behind your back' - why did it upset you so much? If they are more compatible, why would it upset you so much that they saw each other without you sometimes?

If your DH has spent his whole live making the phone calls and the contact, then your ILs aren't just going to pick up the phone and make the calls - just won't happen.

I think its a shame that you can't come to some sort of mid ground. Contact occasionally, see them occasionally, INVITE them occasionally (ie ring them with a specific time). You don't have to be friends with them, you could just try to be amicable.

If they're not actually mean or hurtful, just a bit distant and haven't welcomed you into the family as you think you should have been (and how your DH has been welcomed into yours) then I think your relationship would be similar to that of LOTS of other people.

I suspect your sil has her hands full with her new baby and probably isn't pondering the niceties of family politics, which is why you haven't received an invitation. Call, offer your congratulations and say that you'd like to visit and ask when would be convenient. If they don't want you to come, send a gift and a card and simply say that you're sorry that the relationship between you all has soured and hope that it can improve following the birth of a new family member. You don't need to be best friends but as long as you behave courteously then you know that you've done the right thing and have nothing to regret in future.

The MIL question is a bit trickier, I think that one can only be resolved by your dh. I'd suggest he goes and sees them as they suggest and just ask what would have to happen for the situation to be resolved. Ask them to be honest and then listen - it's possible there may be some unresolved greivance from the past or a simple misunderstanding that can be fixed. If it's just a stream of viciousness, grumbles or petty nonsense then you know you're better off without them in your life.

What does your DH want to say?

I would either totally ignore MILs text and if he does want to see the new baby then at some stage text his sister saying something along the lines of:
"Hope all is ok with you and the baby? We can't wait to meet him/her, let me know when it's convenient for us to pop over"

Or

text MIL back and say " I'm sure sister will invite us all over when she is ready". End of. Ignore any other texts she is definitely using the birth of the new baby as a means to manipulate and control you.

No more texting, pick up the phone

Conversation 1 with sister with new baby. "When can we pop round to see my new neice/nephew?"

Conversation 2 with MIL. "Would you like to join us for Sunday lunch?".... When in doubt, get the protagonists around a table with a gravy boat.