Its over. I need to stay strong.

[MySonIsMyWorld]

Hi All.
My realtionship has been awful with DP today was the tip of the iceberg. Since i was pregnant i started loosing my temper and hitting dp (please dont judge me) it got worse during my pregnancy but stopped when ds was born, for 4 weeks, then we have a massive row and dp left he has walked in and out of our lives now for the last 15 months and sometimes ive lashed out at him, i dont know who i am anymore i dont want to be a violent person i dont want this.

Ifeel like such a shit mum, my DS saw me and my dp having a row this morning over his wages as normal. He held his fist up to me as if he was going to hit me DS saw this...then he pushed the dog so hard he fell over and into my other dog (when he was walking out) he swears all the time, doesnt do any house work, and when he is around we just argue.

Do you think this has effected my son?? Do you think ive damaged him not finshing my relationship with dp sooner?
Ive told DP i dont want him here, ive told him i dont love him anymore.... and now im feeling shitty - my son is only 15 months old and i love him so much but recently ive been finding everything so hard - please can someone just tell me that im not mad? that i am not crazy?

Im left with £20 in the bank and DP has walked with a full £1400 wage but i rather be happy with no arguments than with money i guess.

When DP walked out the first and second time i did alot of crying and saying silly things - i never expected him to leave me or our son, and when it did it hit me so hard.

Will my son be effected by whats happened so far?

Will i ever be "normal" and level headed again?

When will i stop feeling like im a crap Mum?

It sound like what u need is some good anger management help, just ways to deal with whatever comes your way. Your son is young enough not to be too effected IMO , however, if he was to continue to be exposed to aggressiveness then he will prob display it as a character trait.

I doubt very much that you are a crap mum. We all have awful days and no body is perfect. U have done u and ur LO a favour by flying solo now, it may not feel like it but by protecting him for what he may or may not witness is the best thing for him.

PS What is normal anyway????

Thanks for your reply.

My DP pushes me to lash out so he has an excuse to walk out.... this is the 4th time he has gone now the first two times i literally was on my knee's begging him not to leave, yes i begged a man not too go, DP is violent to me now, he dropped me on my head i had to go to hospital and Social Services had to get involved because my son was asleep upstairs, not involved with me as such with DP.

I am NEVER violent to wards my DS which makes me think that DP pushes me to it like i say above?
I do everything in the house, he even rolls his eyes at cooking DS tea!

I'm starting to feel very wary when he is around i just want to say in bed all day and make him do things with his son, im scared, im so scared. I have no means of income, i carnt afford nursery and i wouldnt be able to get a job highly paid enough to pay the bills. I'm 20 and i feel like i have made the worst mistake in staying with DP.

I hope to god my son never ever ever ever remembers any of the bad times this is why i need to do this on my own now....but what about if DP wants to see his son?? I wouldnt trust him with him at all with my ds.....if he can do what he has done to me what can he do to ds??

You really don't have to live like this, is your name on the mortgage or rental agreement?

Can you visit/email citizens advice and your local council? The process is drawn out but you need a plan to leave.

X post. Ring women's aid and get the fuck out of there, for your sake and for your sons sake.

The house is in my name, i rent.
I'm so scared.

In my head i though it would be great, perfect everything but really its been hell, my son has been great nothing is bad towards him its my dp thats the issue.....

Im so so scared of being judged if anyone knew whats happened!

Violence is never an excuse. You need to remove yourself from your relationship and seek counselling.

Your husband hit YOU not your son, just like you hit HIM not your son. Honestly, he's equally at danger from you both as you are both unable to control your emotions. Seek help now.

Make the time to ring women's aid, they will help you (as will we)

Do you have anyone in RL to lean on?

Please listen; you and DS have your whole lives in front of you. And you are going to be fine. Do not feel ashamed of yourself, you are doing your best.
Get some help please, you and DS deserve it.
What are you scared of?

Don't worry about what other people think. U and ur child's safety are the most important things. Are you on your own now? Is it possible to get the locks changed or something to keep him away from you? U cud even go to the police if u haven't already, they will at least help to protect you from him if he is violent to u. If u have family close by could you go there?

There are people out there to help u, u r not alone in this. Does anyone know about your situation?

I dont want to get the police involved because i refuse to have social services come again.

I have minus 214 in my bank account now (he earns his wage and gives it to me for bills but he has gone and taken all his wages) i am getting 30 quid charges everyday........ i have no means of income other than benefit.

He hasnt tried to come back - he slept outside on our shared garden bench apparently last night, told the neighbour he was going to see if his wages had gone into his bank account at 7am left and he hasnt come back since.....

I feel so scared and worried

I got him a new puppy to try and make him happy and saturday night, he is 10 months old ebt cross he is very livley and i carnt walk him with the pram so now he has gone i carnt take the sodding dog out because he is too manic with the pram and i carnt leave my son to walk the sodding dog....so now the dog is barking like mad downstairs while im trying to get my son asleep...

I dont know where DP is
I dont know who he is with
I dont know what im going to do to pay the bills
I dont know how im going to do this
I have NO money
No family who can help me money wise
My Mum is saying its my fault

I am on my own again because i couldnt take it any longer and look what ive done.....

He still has the key to my house, says he will give it me back when he has the rest of his stuff... but how can i give it him if i dont know where he is? he doesnt have a mobile neither do i so how will he contact me?

Oh god.

please talk to me someone......i thought i heard his key in the door and got all excited and happy but i think it was just something outside........

I'm sorry I have nothing constructive I can say - but sending hugs.

thank you everyone..... xx

Hi OP, I'm delurking to see if you're ok today. Did you give Women's Aid a call last night?

OP, call your bank and have them freeze the charges. They will if you explain what has happened. They may extend the overdraft limit to cover what you already have, which won't let you have any money, but will stop the debt increasing further. It is important you act on this, don't let the debt grow and grow.

You can have the dog rehomed if necessary. See if one of your family can take it in the meantime.

Women's Aid can help you.

It is vitally important for your child that you end the relationship because there is violence. Don't let him back into the house.