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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I broach this touchy (ahem) subject?

19 replies

SlightlySquiffy · 20/08/2012 20:31

Hello all,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

DP and I haven't been together all that long (coming up to a year) and I want some advice on how to talk to him about our sex life.

It's quite fantastic, it happens often enough for both our liking (a couple of times a week/whenever we see each other as we don't live together) he always waits for me to finish first, or lets himself go when I tell him I'm there.

But, it's always the same :( I can almost set my watch to it, with very few variations. He has only once used his mouth on me, and despite me mentioning my longings, he still hasn't been forthcoming.

Any suggestions? Every other part of our relationship is fantastic, he always pulls his weight and is considerate so part of me thinks maybe I should be happy that everything else is just as I want?

Thanks ladies

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 20/08/2012 20:37

Um what did he say when you mentioned what you wanted?

Does he mention things he wants and what do you do then?

TheFidgetySheep · 20/08/2012 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SlightlySquiffy · 20/08/2012 20:50

He didn't say much, I know his ex was very insistent (she is the only other person he's been with) and has said it was a very unpleasant experience for him. He said he would keep it in mind & try to remember to initiate it, but didn't want to feel pressured or expected.

I do ask sometimes but he says there isn't anything

OP posts:

ElizabethX · 20/08/2012 20:53

this may be requesting TMI and I'm aware that not all men are keen on this, but...why was it unpleasant?

Original poster

SlightlySquiffy · 20/08/2012 20:57

Both a combination of it being expected of him, so it was chore-like, and her being less than fresh

Sorry to drip feed :(

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 20/08/2012 21:20

Have you asked him recently (outside of the bedroom) how he feels about the idea of it now?

Original poster

SlightlySquiffy · 20/08/2012 21:28

Has just said he wants to make me happy but doesn't want to feel coaxed (nor do I want to coax!) so I think he forgets when the opportunity arises. I feel like it's checkmate.

Have never had this problem before!

OP posts:

JustFabulous · 20/08/2012 21:30

Is it a deal breaker?

Original poster

SlightlySquiffy · 20/08/2012 21:45

Not a deal breaker at all. At the moment I just want to set a good foundation for open dialogue on the topic of sex for our relationship, so that in the future if we do start experiencing problems (with stress from various angles, children etc) we know where to start, iyswim? It's not just about the oral...

OP posts:

JustABitLost · 20/08/2012 21:47

As a man who has had relationships where I was the initiator, and some where I was the.. Initiatee (?)...
It's sometimes difficult to switch... especially if you are already in a set pattern?....

He may want to be more dominant, more spur of the moment... But if he's not had to do this, then he may be finding it difficult..

Ask him to do more.... dominant things... Like getting to tie you up..
As he plays, he'll see he doesn't need to be frightened of being in charge.. Especially when he see's how you react when he takes charge (don't be all Oooh, aaah fake though. ;)

When his confidence grows, so will his ability to be more spontaneous, be able to take charge....

Hope this helps... :)

AKissIsNotAContract · 20/08/2012 21:49

If you suck him off and he doesn't return the favour then that's pretty crap really. The 'my ex had a smelly fanny' line is pretty crap too. I sucked a rancid cock once but it hasn't stopped me sucking DP's pleasant tasting cock.

Original poster

SlightlySquiffy · 20/08/2012 22:02

Thanks, Just. He is naturally more dominant, though because of some bad experiences I've had I think he's been reluctant to go down that road. Maybe I need to reassure him that I feel safe enough with him to do this sort of thing, and the rest will fall into place?

Kiss, I do, and I enjoy it and would not like to shy away from that, in order to get what I want. I want it to be given freely, not so he can have it returned

OP posts:

likeatonneofbricks · 20/08/2012 22:14

ironic that only recently there was a thread from a woman who didn't like doing BJ and refused with her H/P - the chorus was 'you shouldn't do anything sexually that yoou don't like, partner should not pressure you'. Best to leave him be, maybe with time he will want to try.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 21/08/2012 00:08

Likea, that occurred to me too and I think if the DP had said he didn't want to do it then OP would handle that. It seems he is maybe interested in doing it but never quite gets round to actually doing it and it's fair to look for advice on that situation. OP definitely doesnt come across as pressuring.

solidgoldbrass · 21/08/2012 00:41

I think he doesn't want to do it; doesn't like it for some reason but he has read, or been told, that men who won't lick labia are woman-hating bastards so he's making excuses. Is he generally nice and prepared to do other things that please you, or is sex always all about gratifiying his willy?

Claire2009 · 21/08/2012 00:55

I had a similar issue, he took me asking him to do things a certain way as me telling him what to do and he really didn't like it! I was telling him what to do because what he was doing wasn't pleasing me

It has took a while (months) but he nown mostly listens to what I want!

I would be gentle with him, sounds like he's had a rough time with an ex, maybe she was a bit too dominant in te bedroom department and scared him a little

runamile · 21/08/2012 09:07

Some men like oral, some don't! Some love it, fortunately, but you can't make a man enjoy it. I spent years with a man who only ever did that for me in the very first session. But I have recently met a man who loves doing it. Yay!!

Original poster

SlightlySquiffy · 21/08/2012 10:17

Maybe I need to ask him if he wants to doit to me, rather than me saying it's something I very much enjoy & would like for him to do.

And respect him if he says he doesn't want to and leave the subject alone and suggest some other things instead

OP posts:

ElizabethX · 21/08/2012 18:39

well assuming he's being straight and had a bokeworthy experience but is otherwise up for it...try kneeling astride him and playing with yourself (or getting him to do it unless he'd rather watch)...then when you're wet transfer some of it to your belly button, nipples, ear lobes etc, and have him lick it off. and have him lick your fingers too.

this should convince him that you actually taste quite nice. so then see if he'll go down on you if you keep your knicks on. believe me it is entirely possible for you to come this way. he can't really lick you through knickers obv but he can do everything else...if you keep your trollies on till the very last seconds then move them out of the way the sudden flesh to flesh contact is, er, quite impressive...

you need to be on a sofa with him on the floor, or if both on a bed then you need a pillow or something under your bum. otherwise he may rick his neck.

good luck...

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