I know why my ex thought he could get away with trying to rape me!

[freemanbatch]

I worked it out this weekend, he has watched my family ignore my wishes and do as they please to me for years without me ever standing up to them and he thought he could get in on the act and get away with it. He was obviously wrong, at least he was eventually but how the hell do I stop people doing whatever they want even if I've said no?

I've been at my parents this weekend with the kids, I watch the football team I grew up with so I travel down and stay with them when there are weekend matches. this weekend was also supposed to be about them giving me some support and a little bit of a break after a fortnight of sorting everything out now he's finally gone. I have no family anywhere near where I live so I am without support most of the time. The whole weekend turned into people asking if I wanted them to do something, me saying no and them doing the thing anyway or them asking what I wanted them to do and then doing something different because they were sure that was what I wanted really.

Both my siblings came to visit, they live almost next door and see my parents every day, and talked about how hard their lives are and what awful things are going on and never once asked how I was or if things were getting sorted. I'm not uninterested in their lives or expecting to be the centre of the world but a bit of balance would be nice, it was much more of a 'don't forget we're here as well' thing which I could understand if they hadn't both had one disaster after another for years and had all the support they asked for.

This is getting a bit ranty I feel so I'll stop there and ask the question I need help with. How do I make people take notice of me when I say yes or no to things? If I can't make my family listen and do as I ask how am I ever going to even think about meeting new people and feeling safe with them?

You can't change their behaviour, - only your own.

You need a pen and paper.

First write down what happened just before they did whatever it was they did, then, what they did, then what happened immediately afterwards, then the consequence FOR THEM as well as for you.

If you have a go with one thing and write it here we might be able to help you unpick it.

By the way, - by saying you can only change your own behaviour, I am in no way condoning anything they have done.

There are lots and lots of little things that I have never really noticed before this weekend which would sound silly but are all signs of them ignoring my answers.

For this weekend one thing was this.

Mum asked last week if I wanted my sister to come see me while I was there, I said no thanks I want things as calm as possible for the kids for their first visit without dad and you know how she can be so next time would be better. I got very little reply.

On Saturday night sister text to ask if she could come on Sunday. Mum and dad passed phone between them reading message and decided she could without asking or telling me.

Sister turns up completely unannounced as far as I knew, never asks how I am and starts mouthing off about her ex and how the kids hate going to see him, absent dads are just evil but it gives her time to go out drinking which must be what I?m looking forward to now I can get rid of them for the weekend. All this done in front of my kids and all no surprise at all as its how she always is and is the reason I didn?t want to see her or more for my kids to see her.

I took the kids and went upstairs away from her, she stayed a long time talking to mum and dad before she left.

When I came back down they were just getting on with the next thing and said nothing about it, I got blanked every time I tried to speak to them and mum spent the rest of the day texting back and forth with my sister.

I know the answer with my family is just not to go and spend time with them but somehow I have to become more effective in getting my message across or I am never going to rebuild my confidence

Freeman the only thing I can say to you is we get sent this stuff to learn. And if we don't learn, it will all have been a complete waste of our time life.

Would it have been possible to have gone upstairs, got your kids ready and left?

Not in a huff, with a peck on the cheek for your parents, a 'perhaps we'll catch up another time' to your sister and a cheery 'See you again soon' to your mum.

If brought up refused to enter into a discussion about it. Just say that you thought you'd agreed that your sister wouldn't be there but as she turned up, she obviously needed her parents so you gave her that space, but you'll come again soon.

Go, but be prepared to leave at the first niggle of uncomfortablness. Leave politely and without argument or drama, and then you can all try again next time.

avoiding drama with my family is never easy but I am beginning to think the get up and leave quietly option is the one to go with.

I'm not sure that helps in working out how to get people to listen to me properly but it will probably help me be happier for now

Well, don't give them more than one opportunity to ignore you if you can avoid it.

You can't make them DO anything, but you can control how YOU respond.

If you had left, without drama (so they can't enjoy themselves at your expense) because they had ignored your response to their question of your sister coming, then next time you say you don't want to see her that time, they might not dare invite her.

In truth, they probably WILL do, to 'test' out the new rules and to try to get back to the status quo, but once the new rules become the status quo they'll behave.

Have you another example?

I'm sorry you went through that with your ex.

how the hell do I stop people doing whatever they want even if I've said no
'm not sure that helps in working out how to get people to listen to me properly

You can't stop people doing whatever they're doing, and you can't make them listen to you: they will do what they want to do. All you can do is state your limits clearly, and enforce them (if possible) if/when others continue the distressing behaviour - for example by leaving the room.

Given your family and relationship experience, have you had counseling? That can go a long way to helping you understand and change patterns in your own behaviour that others have shaped and taken advantage of in the past.

I think you might also enjoy an assertiveness training course. This workbook is pretty good.

I never had such an awful experience as you did with your ex, my sympathies. But I relate completely to your family dynamic.

I am the younger of 2 daughters, and my mum is convinced that older children are more special. When I visit without dh I get treated like the naughty teenager who should just do as they're told. I even got told that my niece had inherited the 'awkward gene' like me! Not sure how I passed that on.

Anyway, I find it almost impossible to deal with head on, but I do make sure that in my head I try to keep things clear. E.g. Mum is trying to make me sound awkward for visiting X on Tuesday, not because I am, but because she wants to go on Wednesday.

I at least feel I keep my sanity.

My parents are also great at helping out with looking after dd etc, I just think that in their minds I will never fully be a grown up as I was their 'baby' whereas older sis is the older more responsible one (in their eyes). They do love me, but they just don't get that I'm an adult. I'm in my 40s btw so they've had time to get used to the idea.