can I trust him with dd? Opinions please!

[sunrise65]

hello ,
Mumsnet has helped me a lot over the last few months. Firstly, opened my eyes to the abusive relationship I was in and continued support on the emotional abuse thread. I am living in refuge with my 17mo mo daughter. I broke up with her dad 7 months ago now. In that time he has continued to bully me, say that it was me that was abusing him , sworn to me that he no longer takes drugs and that he should not have supervised contact because he has 'proven he is a competent father' . The last few weeks I moved away from the area that he is in and he has been making an effort to travel over a hundred miles every week to see dd. He h however started to see dd on his own rather than the supervised contact.communication has been improving between us and this weekend he opened up to me saying that he now admits he did abuse me, that he is still taking drugs and did so while we were still in the relationship even tho he had completely denied this in the past. He also told me that he sexually assaulted a girl when he was 16 and that he cheated on his ex gf lots which he never told me before. So now I am thinking, can I trust him to be on his own with dd? is he serious about changing? What do you think? Xx

Supervised visits or nothing err on the side of caution I say, my ex has supervised contact with my kids he has never hUrt them but not a risk I'm willing to take

I guess it depends what drugs he is taking? Will he be out of it? Leave needles around when high? Fall asleep on dope? etc

I would not not leave my dc with anyone who is unfit to take resonsibility if it be drugs/alcohol etc

Now he has admitted to still taking drugs...was this a 'child safety' concern that also led to supervised visits? If so ask for drug tests from CAFFCASS to see what drugs he is taking.

Was he ever charged for sexually assaulting the girl? What age was she? What I mean is was she young ie pheodophile tendencies?? re you have a dd?
NO WAY!

thank u for your replies. The supervised contact was mostly due to my concerns over his abusive behavior and bad temper. He smokes cannabis and has on occasion used cocaine . I only have his word for it tho and he is a compulsive liar... The girl was the same age I think, and no she never reported it to the police.
Do u know how I would get him to do drugs tests?

thank u for your replies. The supervised contact was mostly due to my concerns over his abusive behavior and bad temper. He smokes cannabis and has on occasion used cocaine . I only have his word for it tho and he is a compulsive liar... The girl was the same age I think, and no she never reported it to the police.
Do u know how I would get him to do drugs tests?

He would need to contact his community drug team to ask can he have test (refer himself for help to stop...usually counselling) or GP to refer if he cant self refer. They do weekly/monthly drug tests when the person goes for session it gets sent to lab. He can ask then for photocopy for you.
If he is serious about being a df he will get clean for dd!
Do not rely on private one through post as he could ask anyone (clean) to wee for it unless you supervised...eeek!
I don't know if you refused contact and it went to court then they would make him do the tests? It is the main carer ie the mother they would worry more about tbh than NRP.
Or can he promise not to do drugs within 48hrs before and during contact to ensure not under influence?
Is he under influence when he visits to see dd now? How does he get there if stoned/high etc

thank you for that, I think I am going to speak with my solicitor tomorrow just to make him aware of what has happened and see if he advises anything. I'm also considering telling my ex that I will be seeking legal advice re the info he has given me and that we may need to put measures into place while he deals with his problems (supervised contact, drugs tests etc) because if like u say, if he serious about stopping his abusive behavior and being a good dad then he won't mind. What do u think? Or is this a bad idea?

I wouldn't tell your ex you're seeking legal advice. Be careful he's not reeling you back in with his "honesty". People don't just stop abusive behaviour.

I wouldn't be happy with unsupervised visits, certainly not yet.

thank u for your response, I understand what you mean about not trusting him and maybe better to not tell him my plans. I think I thought it might be good to let him know as we have been communicating much better which ultimately is better for our daughter and I worry that if he revives legal correspondence regarding the stuff he has told me in private then he could see me as being 2 faced and turn nasty.

Are you voluntarily allowing contact or is there a court order in place? If you are voluntarily allowing it then my advice would be to continue to only facilitate supervised contact. Given his background there should be an assessment by CAFCASS about what form of contact is in your dc's best interests. If you voluntarily allowed unsupervised access, knowing what you know, and something did happen to dc then you would be seen as an unprotective parent to have put her in that position.

By the way, does he know your new address?

we haven't gone to court to sort out contact , only sorted it between us through solicitors. How do I get cafcass involved ? I have only become aware of his background this weekend after he has already been seeing her on his own for about 4 weeks now. No he doesn't know where we r as we r in refuge .

Nope under no circumstances would I leave my child with someone who has sexually assaulted someone. I don´t care who they are - sexual assault? Not suitable for looking after a child. Combine that with the drug use and its a no brainer, surely?

You need to have a chat with your solicitor and let them know everything he has disclosed to you. They will advise you on how to proceed. Who supervises the contact atm? I hope it's not you. They may tell you to withdraw contact. The onus would then be on him to issue a court application to have contact with dc. Given his background of abusing you and all the other issues a CAFCASS officer would make a welfare report recommending what type of contact should take place.

thank u neurotic , I am waiting for a call back from solicitor today. I have really wanted to avoid going to court but am now starting to accept it may be the best route.
Caramelised : I know I have asked for peoples opinions and thank u for posting, but I think it is a little harsh to say its a 'no brainer' because abusive relationships and being the victim of a relationship is so much more complicated than just seeing clearly what is right and what is wrong.