First big argument since moving in together, feeling a little shell-shocked

[RainbowFishy]

DP and I are engaged and looking at getting married next year. We recently bought a house together after a relationship of around 16 months. I have two children (12 and 14) who live with us and he has two children (16 and 17) who stay with us every Saturday night.
DP has always been lovely to me and the kids, he's hard working, respectful, fun to be around and I love him. My one issue with him is that he fixates on stuff and brings them up constantly. One of these is "why did you agree to move in with me when you didn't want to initially?". I've explained this to him over and over again but he brings it up constantly. Especially after a drink. Another one is "why don't you like my kids?"

It was the "why don't you like my kids" thing that came up last night after a few drinks (he drinks almost every night, usually not many but last night drank more than usual). He started off with "why don't you like my kids?" I gave a bit of an eye-roll because I'm sick of the same conversation and yet again replied "I DO like the kids, I've never given you any reason to think I don't!" but then the questions started flying at me one after another "why don't you like them? why don't you like Saturdays? why do you always go out on a saturday night? why do you go upstairs when the kids are here? why didn't you come to pictures with us? why why why why - in the end I snapped at him and told him I was sick of going over the same old thing. He went ballistic and started shouting at me before sinking into a fit of tears about his dad dying and why do I hate his kids so much when I'm supposed to love him.

He obviously has issues somewhere that need resolving but how the hell do I get him to see that when all he wants to do is argue with me?? I can't do this for much longer :( I love him to bits but I'm starting to feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

It sort of reminds me of ex. Sorry.

It doesn't really look well for the future. :(

He sounds likea fucking nightmare! Tell him if he doesn't stop it yuoou're going to move out.

So he's a whinyarsed self-pitying alcoholic, basically. I'm sorry for his kids, yours, and you. I suggest working on ways of getting out of this relationship as soon as possible.

He sounds likea fucking nightmare! Tell him if he doesn't stop it yuoou're going to move out.

And then move.

So why does he feel that you don't like his kids? Is there anything to it, honestly?

He sounds like he needs to speak to someone regarding his Dad's death too.

Doesn't bode well though.

Put the wedding on hold until his issues have been resolved one way or another.

To me that is a clear sign of desperation for reassurance.
My ex was like that and I eventually he got too diffuclt to be arround of..It didnt end very well as he didn't want it to end, so I also used to get him knocking on the doors/windows after hours after he had 'a few'.. I cant even count the times I had to call the police as he was threatening me in different manipulating ways, the most freuqent one was that he wouldsmash my car to pieces..
He might just miss his dad and wants reassurance that you wont leave too, people deal with loss in different ways..
It didnt end so well for me but it might do for you, and I wish you all the best too xx

Sorry it sounds like you rushed into this without really knowing him and I speak as someone who moved in with my dh of 17 years after one month.

Do you like his kids?
Do you avoid them like he says or is he being paranoid?
I think the first thing to do would be to get him to cut down on his drinking as that seems to make him worse!

I do like the kids - I helped arrange a villa holiday for us all for next year, I helped decorate their own room in our house, I don't do much with them personally as they're teenage lads that want to be either with their friends or with their dad - so yes if I'm going on a night out, I try and make it a saturday night so that they can have their "man time" with their dad. I do sometimes sit upstairs whilst they're here as they like to watch movies all night and I sometimes just like to chill out on my laptop. Doesn't stop me joining them outside for a BBQ or joining them at the beach on the Sunday morning. I honestly don't believe I give him any reason to think I hate his kids. It's just a huge insecurity of his and I think he feels better about it if he has a go at me about it.
It probably was all a bit rushed, I see that now. I just don't know where to go from here. I do love him and I want to marry him. These instances don't come up often enough to throw it all away, it was just last nights that turned particularly nasty. I'm thinking trying to make some kind of compromise on the alcohol would help? no more than 2 cans a night or is that controlling??

Would you put up with this behaviour from a friend?

If not...

To be honest, that's a bad starting point.
You should not impose anything on him.

He needs to recognise that there's a problem and seek help and work at it.

It's not something you can control and you can't change him.

I wish I had left ex the moment his paranoia started. Because there's not much you can do to limit it or get around it.

Can you both discuss those issues with him sober? If he is bottling up feelings, it can only go wrong.

He sounds like the type of person who uses emotional blackmail to bully and get his own way. He sounds deeply insecure - not in the way that the love of a good woman will sort him out, but in the way that he will make sure you put him first above all else and it will still never be enough. He drinks too much as well.
Sounds like a poor bet to me - and you are posting because you know it's fucked up. Don't be trapped into thinking you just need to try harder to please him - trust your instincts and get rid of this whining, manipulative bully.

What Leverette said is basically what I think too.

It's difficult, isn't it? It must be hard for him to be with your children all week and without his own - I would find that very, very difficult. I'm sure he does love your children, but it must be hard.

I can understand, too, that his boys want to spend time with their dad on a Saturday night. Face it, these nights won't go on for much longer, will they? Where are your children then? I can appreciate you don't want to sit and watch the same films as a teenage boy. If they were your own children you'd still go and sit upstairs - lots of us have done that.

If you are friendly and welcoming to the children, surely it's really good that you give him some space to be alone with them? If I were a stepchild, no matter how much I liked my step mum, I'd still want time alone with my dad. If you sat there with them all the time, he could also say he never gets time alone with them.

Sounds like he needs to stop drinking if he wants to make it work. Dh always got argumentative when he started drinking so I purposely avoided him as soon as he started, eventually I had enough & said I couldn't take it anymore. He stopped drinking & doesn't do it anymore. Maybe not a total solution but it has definitely helped. We have been married for many years though & have a lot tied up in staying together.

If you sat there with them all the time, he could also say he never gets time alone with them.
Exactly, nothing you will do will be enough for him.

This is worrying behaviour. Being upset about losing his father, he's entitled to be unhappy or bad-tempered. That's perfectly valid - no-one's made of stone. But, instead of dealing with the emotions like a grown up, he's deliberately raking up an old sore-point and knocking back the drinks in order to pick a fight with you. An insecure man with a depressive streak, who drinks a bit too much and has aggressive tendencies is not a good combination.

The only person who can resolve this problem for him is himself. If he suspects he's depressed, he needs to seek medical help. If he drinks too much he needs to stop because alcohol is a depressant.... but he has to decide that. You are entitled to demand he addresses his behaviour - even on the strength of one episode - because IME people only get complacent when settled in a relationship and therefore worse. What you must not do, of course, is adjust your behaviour to compensate for his. Once you get into the tippy-toeing, 'musn't upset DP' situation, it's curtains.

You can't stop him drinking but you dont have to sit around and listen to his drink fuelled self pitying whining!!
I would think carefully about whether he is the sort of man you want to be around and more importantly to be around your kids!

Is he only like this after drinking? If so, he needs to stop. You need to tell him he is abusive when drunk (record him even and show when sober) and you will move out/not marry him until he is teetotal as he's an awful drunk

Has he always drank alot or more so after his fathers death? I agree he sounds depressed and should seek some medical help for this and the drinking while he's there.

Have you explained to him why you go upstairs etc for him to have time with his kids alone? If not I can see why he would think you don't like them/like spending time with them.