ended emotional affair and feel suicidal

[hopefullfool]

I have been having what can only be termed an emotional affair with a work colleague for some 6 years. He initiated it and I fell, hook, line and sinker.

I have mostly been his emotional support through some very turbulent times, and have helped keep his marriage going.

But I have had enough being used, taken for granted and let down. His kids are in their late teens and no longer at school, and whilst I know family comes first, and that I have been his secret, he has not supported me at all.

He has started to put his life back on track - therapy, sorting out finances etc and I have become increasingly overlooked. I have never asked for anything, and certainly never expected him to leave his wife - although I had hoped that once the kids had gone, that might be a possibility, given the state of his marriage.

I e-mailed him after we had had a brief coffee meeting. I should maybe have talked to him face-to-face but I'm not strong enough for that. It feels like I have cut my heart out with a blunt knife as it is.

It may only have been an EA but I loved him so much; we had become very close. He has had affairs before but guilt always stopped him going too far with me.

I don't expect sympathy because I know how destructive affairs can be; my Ex-H and I ended because he had been seeing someone for years (they are now happily married). I have hurt no one (in all honesty his W has no idea and I have supported ratehr than damaged his marriage) but been hurt very much over the years by a number of guys who have let me down, and this is the final straw. Once my kids have grown and gone, I will duck out of this life...no more hurt, no more being let down, no more being the last on everyones list. I wish I had the strength to do it now, but I need to be there for my DCs until they have their exams and are settled.

I have name changed.

Hi Hopeful.
I have been where you are in slightly different circumstances. The key to why we end up being suckered in by exploitative people who seem to 'need' us is low self-esteem. We feel not good enough for a 'normal' relationship with someone who is available. If you look into your past you will probably find reassons for this. You may even have rejected more caring people who were really there for you, for this person.

This kind of relationship eats all your energy and leaves you with nothing.

Your DCs will be devastated if you kill yourself, no matter how old you are. And although you don't feel it, you are worth more than that. You may get some cruel words even on this thread about being 'selfish' for seeing a married man etc, but it is hard to understand the self-destructiveness of being a 'fallback woman' until you have lived it.It is not something that people do for the fun of it, is it :D

You need help, therapy. Get it and start by going to the GP.

Whatever age your DCs are they will be destroyed if you commit suicide. Please don't think that way.

I recognise what it's like to love and give to someone and suddenly, painfully realise that you've had nothing back.

Is there someone you can talk to right now?

Will someone be there later?

I do have an idea of how bad you are feeling right now but it will get better.

I also think you need to go and tell your GP and maybe get some counselling. Counselling helped me so much.

You will get a lot of support here and some very good advice. You have absolutely done the right thing ending it. Well done.

Thanks for this.

No there is no one there for me at all. A couple of people knew at work (2 girl friends of mine that I confided in but they have their own issues) but I have to go home soon and pretend everything is fine for my kids; I can't cry myself to sleep as they go to bed later than I do. I can't possibly tell them. It is my secret shame and guilt, and my loss too.

I know it will get better but I have been alone for a very long time (over a decade) and have no support network to speak of. I was abused my a male doctor aged 19, my ex-H was abusive at the end of our marriage, and I have only had a couple of BFs since (both ended badly for me); since then I've only had this semi-relationship...my life has been pretty much all give and little get-back...I have never really been wanted, never really fely valued and now I have ended what little I did have.

I know I have done the right thing and I do hope he continues to sort his life out. I do wish mine would sort itself out though...I really need a break because if it carries on like this, then given I'm all for quality of life and not for just quantity, there really isn't too much point to my pointless existence.

I also have been alone for over a decade (see my name) but you have so much going for you. Your children will get over the break-up! Your children will probably open up and tell you what they really thought about ex-P

This man NEVER intended to be with you full-time sweetheart. You were a convenient and willing distraction.

Phone the Samaritans if you need to sob and cry and let your emotion drain out. That is okay - that is what they are there for. You will not be judged.

Of course there is a point to your existence. You've given too much time and energy to someone else for the past 6 years, now you need to start thinking about yourself and what you can do - positively - to get your life on track.

The death of a relative by suicide is a deadful thing to have to deal with - don't kid yourself that your children will somehow been immune to the fall-out simply because they will be 'grown and gone'. You have got to stop thinking that that is somehow an option, it's not. And if you need professional help to get you through the next few months there is no shame in that (I've had counselling and CBT and it saved my bacon). Go to your GP, or phone the Samaritans.

It's a myth that children become settled after they have passed exams, or gone to college, or whatever the 'next thing' seems to be. Young people need a lot of love and support even when they say they don't. It's just a different kind of support.

They don't launch like boats and disappear into the mist.

By which I mean, your children will still need you and love you.

Do you think they are mature enough just to hear that you're upset, that you've been seeing someone and it's over? No details needed.

It's just that young people often know only too well the pain of heartbreak. It's one life experience 'older' people have in common with them.

If that's not right for you, Samaritans are there for everyone.

You have had some bad experiences, and this latest has triggered the other bad times in your life, which is why it feels overwhelming today. Don't suffer alone when people can help, and want to help.

I know it would be very selfish to just run off or take my life, but life is such a struggle, a never ending struggle. I don't have a terrible life, I know that but life without love is nothing...everyone says that. Apart from my kids I am not loved, am not worth loving.

I am middle aged and my future looks bleak...I don't want this. CBT may help in the end but right now I just want to go to sleep and not wake up

'life without love is nothing'? but you do not have a life without love. You have your DCs. And probably others who love you.

I am not trying to minimise your sadness. I understand it, I too am a lonely middle aged woman but my kids need me. i know how much I need my parents these days and I am 39!!

I get it though. I get bouts of suicidal sadness myself and want to go to sleep and not wake up. I felt so lonely today I cried again over my own narcissistic abusive ex. A man whose last words to me were 'you are behaving like a spoilt child' after I got a bit annoyed because when I went to see him where he lives, abroad, I had to pay for a hotel for both of us AND all his food....Now he's stopped calling and I feel so dead inside and alone... you couldn't make this stuff up could you....

Something I've been ruminating on recently though, is that all my relationships have brought me more pain than happiness on the whole... so why should I feel incomplete without one? :D I still do in a way... but perhaps that is more because society looks down on women on their own.

And perhaps the answer to that should be a big two fingers :D

Seriously, women with low self esteem like you and me need to reconnect with ourselves. The low self esteem is the reason why we are staying stuck with twunts other more confident women would have worked away from.

It's urgent that you make a doctor's appointment hopeful. Please put that on your do list tomorrow. It will probably feel pointless and too hard: expect that, and dial the number anyway.

Everyone is worthy of love, and lovely, sensitive, giving people like you are especially worthy. You are loved and needed today. Better days will come in the future. Give yourself a chance.Please.

You don't have a life without love though, your children love you and need you!

You are thinking you have a life without the love of a man. But you really don't have to have a man on your life to be happy! You have spent all your effort and energy on your emotional affair, it is time to invest some energy on 'you' :)

And what domesticgodless said :).

OP - all that energy and emotion you have put into helping others, it is time to put it into yourself. As domesticgodless says, you have to believe that you are good enough. Get yourself a therapist on side if you can to help you along the way. Maybe a support group like co-dependents anonymous. Please do tell your GP that you are feeling depressed, first step to loving yourself, making yourself an appointment rather than supporting that man. I am sorry to hear you had a horrendous experience at the hands of that criminal GP when you were 19.

I was in a similar situation, I ended a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, because he couldn't commit to being with me, and still had feelings for his DW (from whom he was separated). It was really hard and I remember crying a lot and thinking that I would never find anyone else, and it was really only my 2 DC that kept me going.

Once I made the decision to break it off totally I gradually became much stronger, and I realised that I could live happily on my own. About a year later I met the wonderful man who became my DH, and we've now been married for 7 years and have another DC.

I realise now, looking back, that all the time I was in the other relationship, which was never going anywhere, that I was closing myself off to meeting someone else.

Keep going, invest your time in yourself and your children, and love will find you..

ladyWordy has written the most beautiful post. Please note those words OP.

There is love in your life and you will continue to have love in your life through your DC's. One day perhaps you will be a Grandmother and further love will come your way because of that.

You sound like a lovely person, you will come through this. I have rung the Samaritans before twice. They were wonderful. Dont hesitate.

I will give it a few days and then see the GP.
Thanks for all the support and advise...it is very reassuring to know I am not alone in being alone. I so hope things turn around for all of us.
My counselling restarts next week and I so don't want to continue feeling like this. It is exhausting. I want to be happy. It is so hard when you are middle aged to find even friends.
Another day...I will see how this one goes. I need to be strong for my kids, I know that but it is so hard sometimes.

I think that counselling is a good idea, but you might also consider life coaching. It's not superficial, and many coaches work with clients on difficult issues like loneliness and relationships. Coaching will give you some structure and help you identify change and how to change your life.

www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk

You are not old.

There's a whole world out there that has losts to offer- and you it.

You're going to have to make an effort- joining in with clubs, classes, volunteering ( great way to meet new people in a non threatneing way) .

But you CAN have the life you want.

Spring?thank you for your kind words.

Hopeful, it's good to see you online again. Here's another gentle, kindly prod to see the GP at least before the weekend, if you possibly can.

You don't have to fix your life, or change anything just yet. Chances are you feel too exhausted. If you force yourself to do things anyway, it can feel like chewing cardboard. :( That's a hard road.

If you can accept some medical help, the strength will begin to return to your limbs, and a spark of light and clarity to your mind.

At the moment it's as if you're in physical pain - but not getting help with it - and expecting yourself to carry on as normal. Mental pain can be assuaged quite quickly: which in turn gives you the strength to start healing.

Now, I don't want to be another source of stress?. so won't mention the doc again. Please post again if it helps you in any way. Even just to say hello.

Put yourself at the top of YOUR list Hopeful.
I'm so sorry that you feel and have been treated this way.
Please do go to the GP, get some therapy to give you the tools needed for improving your situation.
Clichéd?, yes but life really is what you make it.
You're not old and your life is not over, as others have said you really need to get yourself out to meet others and have the opportunity to enjoy life and hopefully that can be addressed when you're feeling stronger.
Hope you feel more positive soon and keep posting if it helps xxxx

Your future is only bleak if you choose to view it that way you know.

You could actually say to yourself that the last 6 years were bleak, and now you have your freedom back, and can invest your emotions into your own happiness, and move forwards.

Your kids need you now, and will need you in the future, they will always need you and always love you.

Now that you are no longer entangled with someone who was not worthy of the love that you gave him, you have every chance to meet someone else, who will be, and who will give you the love and comittment that you want.

My mum was widowed at the age of 60, and was understandably devastated, but life goes on, she met someone a couple of years later, and they enjoyed a great relationship for the next 12 years until he sadly died. But it proves that no matter what age you are, you can meet new people and start new relationships and friendships.

I know this is a very old post - but does anyone know where Hopeful went - i have tried messenging her but no joy.

Thank you