DH shouting at DC

[eggshellwalker]

I've name changed as DH knows my normal name on here. Just reposted from Parenting section as others thought I'd get better advice here.

I could really do with some advice on what sort of help might be out there for DH who is really grumpy, moody and snappy with our DC (9 year old DD and 7 year old DS), as well as with me. He has always had a temper and lack of patience, but recently it's been directed more and more towards the children. For example, if they need telling two or three times to do something, he shouts and snarls at them in a really loud and harsh voice, gritting his teeth and only just keeping himself physically in check. He is particularly wound up by DS's whining ? I agree it is infuriating; DS does need to grow up a bit, but shouting at him like that isn't the answer. DH has unrealistic expectations of how the children should behave sometimes, and he keeps telling them to shut up.

He's been snappy and rude to me for years, ever since he was suddenly made redundant along with half his office in a previous recession. I was pregnant with DD at the time and basically just rode it out. He improved when he got another job, but the latent temper has remained. When he's in a good mood, he's lovely, plus he doesn't seem to be like this at work so he can keep himself in check when he needs to. I've put up with the moods for the sake of the children as I don?t want them growing up in a broken home (I did and it affected me terribly, but then so did growing up with a stepfather with a quick temper).

The DC keep saying how grumpy Daddy is. They prefer it when he's at work, and it's just the three of us at home. It just makes me so sad, and I can see it will seriously affect their relationship with DH as they get older. I've told DH several times what they've said about him, and how his anger isn't right.
This morning, I raised the issue again after a particularly shouty weekend, and I asked him to make an appointment to speak to somebody by the end of the week. He just put the blame everywhere but at his own feet. eg the children should do as they are told/stop whining; it's better to shout at them than hit them; and I shout too sometimes. Hands up, I'm not perfect - I do shout on occasion, but it's a small fraction of the shouting he does, plus I do'?t shout with the venom.

I don't really want to split up with DH but don't want to ignore this any longer. I'm fed up with walking on egg shells. The wake up call has been seeing the effect on my DC.

I don't think DH will arrange to see somebody on his own. He's not speaking to me at the moment, and will probably try to let things blow over and do nothing. Where can I find out about getting him some help? The GP surgery isn't really an option, as our neighbour is the receptionist and recognises my voice every time I phone.

Broken home?? Sounds like you are in one already... Or were you referring to a lone parent family? If so, there is nothing 'broken' about them at all!

Video him, or record his voice. Might make him realise what a monster he has become.

I'm assuming you're in the UK eggshell?
Try looking on :
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/angermanagement
It has some very general advice and links to local sources of help.
Unfortunately whatever help there is available is of no use whatsoever if your husband will not avail himself of it.
You can't do this for him.

what kind of home is it where the dc are only happy when their dad is out of it? sounds pretty broken to me.

make it a healthy happy single parent home and dad living elsewhere with his anger where they only see him when he is up to it...

you should make a gp appointment for you and discuss it - you dont need to ell receptionist what appt is for and if she asks just say its gynaecological and none of her business!!...ie the stress it putting you under. but they will tell you that he needs to go in and ask fo help. you cant do it for him.

If your husband doesn't recognise that there's a problem then there's very little you can do. If he does attend anger management or counselling it has to be of his own accord and with a willingness to change. Being pushed into it is totally pointless.

It seems to me like you have to issue an ultimatum - either he accepts he has a problem and does something about it, or you leave. If you do issue that ultimatum though you have to mean it. It sounds as if he thinks you're complaining over nothing and that if he just gives you the silent treatment you'll back down. You need to make him see that that's not going to happen.

I do think recording him might make him realise quite how scary/awful he really is - but ultimately you can't make him ackowledge the need for change; he has to see that himself.

Change GP first and foremost - regardless of anything else, you shouldn't ever feel inhibited re getting medical advice. But that won't make him walk through the doctor's door. All I can say is that you're absolutely right not to ignore this any longer - it is affecting your DCs, whether you can see it yet or not, and the whining may well be part of that. You can't just suck it up - if he won't accept help or the need to change then you need to think long and hard about your future.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Walking on eggshells is another way of saying living in fear.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Your shouty stepfather that you grew up with did play a part in you now picking a shouty, bad tempered man for a husband. What lessons on relationships do you now want to impart to your children?. Currently they are being imparted damaging lessons by you both.

Your home is already broken now; this is no sanctuary for them is it?. Their home should be a place of sanctuary. Listen to what your children are telling you properly, they are and are becoming profoundly affected by his actions. Having been both shouty and rude towards you for years, you learnt to put up with it and now he is starting on the children you are now realising just what harm he is causing here (the same harm as he has caused you).

You have a choice re this man, your children do not and your future relationship with your children is at real risk if you were to put your H before them. They will ask you why you did that and why you stayed with your H if you were to choose to. They won;t thank you for staying with him, they really will not. Did you at times want your mother to leave your shouty stepfather?.

Emotionally abusive men like your H do and can keep themselves in check; this is not about anger management and never has been. AM won't help him as this is not the reason why he acts like this (it is often learnt behaviour from their own childhood). This is also about power and control and your H wants absolute over you and your children; his now silent treatment of you is further proof of his abusive behaviour. He wants you to back down just like you have done before.

If you want help you need to change your GP surgery practice for a start. The help I would advise is actually not the GP but instead in the shape of Womens Aid who can and will help you here. You need to call them and today.

You cannot help your H but you can save your children and yourself from further misery by divorcing your H. I do not say that at all lightly.

You do not have to put up with his ongoing moods for the sake of the children. That action has also taught them damaging lessons.

You can help your own self by calling Womens Aid. It will have nothing to do with the GP and the GP will not be contacted by them.

Many thanks for your replies. You're right - he has to want to change, and at the moment he just doesn't see there is a problem. I will definitely record him shouting so he can see what he is doing. If he doesn't realise then what he's doing, then I'm going to have to make plans to leave. Thanks for crystallising everything.

Playing him a recording of him shouting at you/the children will likely make not a jot of difference. He will probably accuse you of all sorts following such a move and it could end very badly.

You've already tried talking to him and he like many abusive types has blamed everyone else but his own self for his problems. He certainly is incapable of taking any responsibility for his actions and playing him a recording is not going to change that particular mindset.

So what do you get out of this relationship now?. Your silence on that question speaks volumes.

I think this is an instance where the threat of divorce may lead him to realising how awful he's been. He sounds like he needs to speak to a doctor and get counselling or CBT or something like that.

How can you bear to be in a surgery where your neighbour is the receptionist? You shouldn't have to live like that. Can you change surgery?

Our next-door-but-one neighbour was our GP's receptionist and one of my mum's closest friends when I was growing up and living at home. When I was 18 and went on the pill, I was worried about her seeing me at the surgery and mentioning it to my mum (although I was 18, and later married the guy I was dating!). I mentioned it to the GP and he was horrified at the idea that she would say anything, patient confidentiality extends to ALL staff, not just the doctors and nurses in the practice. You should have no doubts at all about visiting your own GP.

I do realise that this isn't the big issue here, but have been in the same situation re neighbour/GP.

He's a bully who exerts control over you all by using his 'temper'. He does not have anger management problems - you point out yourself that he can keep himself in check whilst at work. He has respect problems, he doesn't respect you or his DC. Living on eggshells around a parent is extremely damaging for children. I very much doubt your H will change. I wouldn't recommend filming him as that could provoke an unpleasant reaction from him.